Never thought the names Ron Howard and Heidi Montag would be seen together in any context other than ‘Who was within 50 feet of each other at a red carpet event’ but Mr Howard upgraded from directing Angels & Demons to create a FunnyorDie.com video with Heidi Montag basically taking the piss out of her new face. Now i say new face, but i mean her old face, since she looks ollllllllllllllld, but its new.

Heidi Montag’s new face has been hiding after the world saw it and then hissed/recoiled, but she’s finally going to try her famewhore parade once more. Heidi and her waxy ass hemorrhoid face took to Pure nightclub to shake her titanic titties for a little publicity, and looks like it worked!

Heidi still looked like she’d been attacked face on by an 18 wheeler and crawled out of  Madame Tussauds, but at least her eyebrows have descended a few inches since we last saw her.

She needn’t worry about falling over and bursting her face, since her gigantic orb titties will definitely take the brunt of any damage.

When your daughter gets a huge plastic surgery transformation from normal, reasonably attractive human being to something that looks like a blown up used condom stuffed with sausage fat, you kind of have every right to be a little concerned.

This is something that Heidi Montag was not aware of, and so when she returned home to unveil her mugging-victim face to her mother as the “sexy new her” she was dissapointed and shocked when her mother gave her a look that would have verbally translated to “Please, don’t come any closer or i’ll vomit.”

“I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did,” Montag said of the homecoming which was filmed for “The Hills.” “She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”

“I think she was most upset that Spencer was there for me and she wasn’t,” said Montag of her husband and “Hills” co-star, Spencer Pratt.

“She was saying how sad it is that my confidence is gone because of the music industry I’m trying to get into.”

Well it makes total sense that the one person with a shred of common sense in Heidi Montags life is now repulsed by her. I mean i’m surprised her mother made it this long  with the  crimes against music her daughter has committed time and time again. I’m not going to say it must be sort of like parenting Hitler, because that would be overly dramatic and cruel, but i’m going to strongly hint towards that notion.

I am happy with the mental picture of Heidi’s mother laying breadcrumb trails around the house at dinner time for Heidi before running to her room and locking the door, saying to her husband “Jim, it’s feeding, don’t go out there”

This Picture

Leads me directly to this video.

They are like starcrossed lovers, destined to be together despite many billions of pages seperating them in this mad place known as the interweb.

And by this question what im really asking is what work did she exactly get done, because sister looks shit all like this woman.

I’d like to imagine that steph took a kick in the face from  St Heidi Montag Princess of Ponyland when she was nibbling on air (and dust). Her face was so fucked up she was RUSHED to the hospital where corrective surgery was done where her nose was slimmed and her lips were filled before the doctors realized that the only damage from St Heidi’s pony-punch was to her ear. Oh wells!

Amanda Bynes’ career hasn’t been on fire lately, so the obvious solution to  a lack of roles is new lips!

I totally get this logic. When im not performing at work i just stuff a sausage into my top lip and suddenly my career hits new highs. Everyone thinks bruised housewife is a sexy look. If that doesn’t work then i lick my top lip lusciously, then everyone gets the REAL look i was going for, that being person with lips most likely to give great oral sex.