Posts tagged Paris Hilton
The Bravest Soldier in LA
Jul 16th
All in the name of a few thousand dollars, one brave man had a family to feed, and he decided to try and get a Paris Hilton upskirt.
I know, I know. It’s ridiculous isn’t it? How could someone be so stupid, with such reckless disregard for their own safety; sure to become victim to a certain grisly and painful demise. What he does not know is what he has captured is like that movie The Ring. Paris’ Ring will keep killing. it wont stop. That camera will spread it like the fungal infection it is.
Images: WENN/ONTD
Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend: Finale Recap
Mar 23rd
I knew this day would come. I prayed for it to arrive. And here it is. The finale. Sorry we are so late, we spent the last few days not giving a flying twat.
Tonight, Paris kills three birds with one stone and takes herself, Emma and Squirrel’s Fart out of the country and back to Los Angeles. I hope they feel really really fat about that.
When the twats all first go to the National Television awards we see basically how this is going to roll – Queen Paris and her court of fanny flaps.
It pains me a great deal to say this but the BBFs all actually look kind of hot. I wouldn’t go as far to say i’d sleep with them, but i would let them graze against my penis a few times. Even this fart.
Too much of this show in a short evening can fuck with your mind you see.
Paris decides shes going to save an airfare and leave one of the BBfs behind. Please don’t let it be Squirrel’s Fart. PLEASE. When Tragic Gay Sam gets through he just starts mouth queefing. The words don’t even make sense together. It’s like seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt’s bobble head on her wide-hipped body, the things don’t make sense.
Fuck no. Squirrel’s Fart gets eliminated and therefore LEFT IN THE UK. Ugh. Noooooooo. Take her away . Squirrel will now go back to the Sussex countryside and graze on the fresh meadows and sing magical songs about being a Duchess one day. Wonky doesn’t even try to act upset. She just makes sad lips when Carrie exits STAGE FUCKING RIGHT.
Paris invites her trifecta of evil into her home, and everyone is wondering why Emma is still fucking there. Of course they all queef over the ridiculously tacky decor. It truly is a Hilton.
Paris reveals shes invited some of her L.A Friends (See: Skanky Drug Addicts) to greet them for drinks. Sam is candid about how he’s “FUCK the PHDs of the world, i just want to be in Paris Hilton’s house. I am THAT shallow.”
Anyway the trannies are invited to a premiere for a new Paris movie (See: Shitty Flop) in Vegas. The movie is called “Crabs: And other STI’s you may not be aware existed.”
Tragic Gay Sam, 19, gets turned away from the afterparties because America is retarded and still living in the century where you have to be over 21 to drink. So Sam walks the streets of Vegas all alone, a lone woman in a big city trying to get by. A penny for a pauper, govnah?
Basic Instinct Kat gets her ass taken to a pet store and Paris basically wants to lock Kat in a cage. This would be wise for that guy she met on the streets of London in the last episode. He just wants to live!!!
Paris takes Emma to a trashy lingerie shop. She greets friend Nicole Richie there.
Nicole Richie
Emma becomes excessively excited about everything and Paris just sort of wants to punch her in the face to make her shut up. You know that when Paris Hilton want’s to smack you in the face you’ve reached a new level of irritatingness. Even Squirrel’s Fart is rolling her eyes at this from a barn somewhere in Surrey.
Paris decides to show Tragic Gay Sam the gay scene of L.A, im expecting it to be slightly more attractive than the Preston, Huddersfield or Sunderland gay scenes for example.
Basically Sam bitches about everyone and reveals he split with his ex because his ex had no friends apart from him and his friends. Uhm, call me crazy but doesn’t that leave him ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD? Nice! Then Sam compares her to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. Theres two graves with a middle finger sticking out right now Sam. The bleach blonde has seeped into his head and FUCKED THE SHIT UP inside his brain.
Paris ends the episode by having a friend of hers quiz the queefers. Kat, who is crazy, but i like her, calls Angela, the friend ”a bitch”. Kat you dont mince your words ho. And i like that. Basically Angela gives them all shit because her dried up face is BEAT and shes threatened by losing out on a potential coke share to one of the’s ho’s.
At this stage evil skank #2 Nicky Hilton shows up to spread her shit seed at a Hilton birthday bash.
I hate Nicky Hilton. Paris may have the ostrich feet, but Nicky has the gigantic man hands.
She is evil. Look! Look at her evilness. I don’t forget your racist rant videos Nicky and Paris. If anyone asks me why i hate the Hilton’s I just link them to that video.
Anyway at the final they all look hot. Twice in one episode. New makeup artist? Wonky looks like a stringy devil though.
Sam wins! His life is complete. Basic Instinct Kat jumps from the rooftop and offs herself. Lie tell. But she is like whatever.
His prize is a plane ticket to LA to visit her and the invitation to stay in touch by phone and email. That shit will last for a sweet minute and you’ll be the next Brittany Flickinger . I like how they downplayed the overall end to the show since it was such an anticlimax. No three month residency in LA, Tough luck Sam! Now name drop the SHIT out of that bitch for all the free shit you can get. Im serious, this amazing friendship wont last long. MILK MILK MILK it before she stages a fallout for a second season.
Paris Hilton British Best Friend: Episode 7 Recap
Mar 23rd
Used Broke Tampon Alert! No, it’s not your sister’s “heavy month” it’s Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend! And in this back to back post special we cover not one but two episodes!
Opening Slug: “Tonight. You see me as you’ve NEVER seen me before.” I’m guessing fully clothed and without your fanny out is just too obvious of a joke to make, but i just did it anyway.
Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend : Episode 6 Recap
Mar 11th
Princess Shitminge is back later than expected this week. Basically, if you were sane, you’d put watching and writing up this shit off too.
Last week saw the tragic loss of the two rays of sunshine that made this waking hell bearable. Ola who didn’t know what Hummus was and Fatal Attraction Laura, the ginger actress with a little too much Calpol in her system said thank fuck as they got their asses booted by Wonky Mantis. Unfortunately, Wonky enjoys torturing the public more than I gave her credit for and kept Squirrel’s Fart Carrie in.
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Paris Hilton BBF Recap: Episode 5
Feb 27th
My life is in a bit of a sad place right now, and when things are getting you down, nothing can lift your spirits like Paris Hilton’s BBF !!! Yes, i’ts week five, and i’ve lost the plot.
This truly is insulting bad television to the nth degree. I of course, would love and worship such a shitfest if it was free of the Giant Used Tampon formerly known as Paris Hilton.
That said, i’m looking forward to this episode largely because in the ads Emma lays it down on Squirrel’s Fart aka Carrie. I want to see Squirrel’s Fart’s spirit broken, because I’m awfully suspicious of her haircut. It’s hiding something. Probably a bag of Skittles knowing this bitch. She was the kid at school who you couldn’t give blue skittles to but you did anyway in the hope she’d O.D on skittles. No such luck.
Paris Hilton’s My British Best Friend: Episode 4 Recap
Feb 20th
Since we are gluttons for punnishment, here we are again. I have a weird feeling that Paris Hilton being in the UK had a lot to do with our sudden recession. Her cooch just sucks in everything, even the economy.
Sing it with me “All of my life i’ve been waiting, for my best friend, could you be the one i want? My best friend!” No you can’t kill yourself now. If i’ve suffered, so will you…
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Paris Hilton’s British BBF: Episode 3 recap
Feb 13th
Herp Alert!
The “I’m Paris Hilton, businesswoman, socialite, singer and brand” opening slug is getting smugger and more ridiculous by the minute. It’s like listening to Mary Alice on Desperate Housewives sing Baby Got Back. The two things don’t fit! Anyway, we’ve made it this far, so I guess we are stuck in this hot tranny mess for the whole hog, or until a bitch dies of shame and they shut the whole thing down. I nominate Carrie.
If you’d like to watch this shitstorm online, you now can!
After that, read on!
Paris Hilton’s British BBF: Episode 2
Feb 8th
God help us all.
Because for some reason, we are all paying attention to this tramp.
Paris starts the episode with a text to the house telling them all to cook her some food because shes coming round. The one who wins is the one who slips the most cyanide in the mashed potatoes. I wish i was there, I would have served her a shit pie with extra herp.
Chrissie the Annoying Asian finds her “career” revealed in an embarrasing caption.
Uh-oh
Jan 30th
It’s important when you are trying to get famous, to be the perfect people pleaser. Then once you’re the shit, you can be like Bono and Madonna and use your maids as human shields when dissing colleagues. So what happens when Lady Gaga is being interviewed by Paris Hilton. Little did Gaga know, that her niceness came back to bite her.
Paris: Aww…I’d love to do a song with you.
Lady Gaga: Uh-oh!
That’s what happens when you compliment Stars Are Blind. At least their IQs are parallel.
Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend: Episode 1
Jan 29th
God help us all.
“I’m Paris Hilton. I’m in the UK”
And so it begins. The mass exodus to America, that is.
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