Posts tagged Mariah Carey
It’s just the elastic giving way.
Jun 2nd
Radaronline has an EXCLUSIVE! GROUNDBREAKING REPORT! EXCLUSIVE! That Mariah Carey is holding a baby bratwurst inside of her weinerstraussen aka THE BITCH GOT PREGNANT.
Now, Radar Online are of course a reliable source of hard-hitting journalism, albeit journalism done by an army of retarded geese, so I have no reason to doubt them other than the fact that there are abused pieces of over-stretched elastic lying all across the country’s yachts, oyster bars and sausage vendors. If there was a PETA for elastic and lycra, then Moomi would be their Anna Wintour.
Think about the fabric mimi!
It’s obvious that Mimi is on off-album season also known to her as GRAZING SEASON. Mimi has taken to the pastures of malibu and her Spanx friends have quit her to go write a country song about how she abused them and they hit rock bottom one night in a bar called Cracky Joes with a gun in one hand and a half-drunk whisky in the other. Spanx have feelings too Mimi!
So don’t hate because Mimi is grazing on a few hundred wild Bison, it’s just the beauty of nature, and a natural predator like Mimi is entitled to mass-consume an corn-syrup factory if she damn well wants! Let Mimi eat Cake! But only the first 400.
The Diary of Mimi: Toni Braxton should just give it up.
Apr 1st
Hi fans! It’s Me, Mimi!!
I’m on a yacht somewhere and I thought i’d update my fans on all of the amazing things I’m doing right now.
I’m mainly eating, which feels great. I graze on whatever I want, and because I’m married it doesn’t even matter! Isn’t that great! I haven’t worked out in my heels for weeks and i guess I must have just an amazing metabolism because my body looks as great as ever. All i do is vomit everything up every few hours and I seem to actually be getting in even better shape! It’s the best diet ever.
Anyway I know a lot of you have been concerned since my amazing remix album was cancelled, but let me assure you that the ONLY reason we canned that project was because my butterfly guide from the heavens told me it was a bad idea. I always trust my butterfly guides as they are never wrong. Look at my blistering career!!!
Now I know it looks like my last album hasn’t sold so well, but that’s only because those figures don’t take into account all of my unicorns and butterfly’s buying the CD in Narnia, where my label tells me it’s a huge hit. I am bigger than whatever that Lady Gaga creature is in Narnia. They love me there. Mimi never fails!
Unlike that skanktroll hoslut Toni Braxton. Which brings me to something that I found on my hourly google search of Toni Braxton my label forwarded to me recently. Toni is trying again and again to have a career. It’s not going to happen Toni, but here’s a video of her making a DAMN FOOL of herself trying anyway…..
Video Post: How did i miss this?!
Mar 27th
After Rich from FourFour so elegantly highlighted both the greatest things about Celine Dion and Beyonce in video form then its remarkable that our favourite Butterfly Princess and Fette-Wurst Mariah Carey has her own and it slid past us! Probably using all that crisco she sources to fit into her dresses. But thanks to Dlisted, we are all now more aware of it than ever.
The Diary of Mimi: I have an announcement…
Oct 10th
FUCKASEDIF9WEFR9WEFWEFNWEFWEF UGH
Sorry fans, it’s Mimi here, and my usually glorious composure that I get from my inner butterfly has departed today because that SKANK and TROLLFUCK Toni Braxton is bringing out a new song. BITCH PLEASE DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO? No one gives a damn fuck about your beat face any more, go home before I smack you with my butterfly empress cane. Meanwhile I have a new album on the way which is OBVIOUSLY going to blow Toni’s shitfest OUT OF THE WATER. Plus she is looking fat on that cover.
Ugh. Okay with that out of my system, I have a really really HUGE announcement to make. Hold on whilst I put this donut down, it’s making my hooves hands (sorry, my ghost typer Chi-Lung gets a little cheeky! No dinner for her this month!) sticky!
People have been calling me fat again lately, and that is really hurtful to me because I’m just a real woman, and we put on weight sometimes, you know? I’m no different. Im real and normal, I like to sit around some nights with 30 bags of Frito-Lays and a gateau just like any other girl.
Anyway, the reason I’ve put on a little beef (is THAT why people call me Moomi? I still don’t get it!!!) Is because i’ve got a muffin in my oven! Mmm delicious muffins! I wish i had a chocolate muffin with a creamy centre right now. God that would be great.
Oh wait, yes my announcement is that IM PREGNANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!1111!!
There is a little pupa inside of me right now!!!!! I cant wait for it to hatch into the beautiful Emperor Butterfly i know it is! Anyway with that out of the way, lets talk about some really important news – People are saying i’m due an OSCAR nod for Best Supporting Actress for my role in the amazing new movie Precious. It should put to rest any haters who think i can’t act as I am really a multi-faceted performer and human being.
I mean, I can’t say I hear of Toni Braxton getting any Oscar buzz. That’s because I am the greatest actress of my time and I’m glad people are finally realizing that I am not just an incredibly and beautiful pop singer, there is a depth to me not many people know about.
Anyway, guys, I need to go now, because Jack needs to be combed with his diamond brush and then I have to go eat some food – I might waste away! BYEEE FANS
P.S Buy my new album out soon.
Acceptance is the first stage.
Aug 7th
Everyone knows Moomi had to stare at the charts for many years and visit several counsellors to accept the news that The Beatles had more number ones than her. After extensive research to prove the Beatles weren’t just a practical joke from Toni Braxton’s people Mim’s finally publically admitted that The Beatles existed on last night’s America’s Got Tubbies.
Of course this was only after Mooms half-sung her way through her new track and fake-loved up Nick Cannon on stage. Girl was just wondering where the carbs be hiding. WHERE U AT CARBS. COME OUT, FOOL! IMMA EAT CHOO!
Can you be Obsessed with a Salamimi?
Jul 14th
Uh, the answer evidently is YES YOU CAN. And if Mariah’s message is being read right, she is Obsessed with herself. Which is brand new information to the world.
The Diary of Mimi: My New Single is out!
Jul 7th
Dear World,
I am writing to tell you that whilst i am deeply saddened by the passing of Michael Jackson, I also would like everyone to remember that the world must go on. We cannot let this tragedy consume us, and what better way to move on than to buy my new single Obsessed. In many ways, it relates to what has happened here with Michael, because you know the world was Obsessed with him. I can understand what that is like, as i am the only person alive whom has ever been as famous as Michael was. He was the ying to my yang. The Moth to my Butterfly. The Sausage to my Dress. What im trying to say here is one of the great ways you can support Michael now he has passed is to support me, Michael’s good friend and also the number one selling female artist of all time. You guys know I hate blowing my own trumpet but I have been told more than once that I am a living legend. Michael used to be too and we are similar in that sense also.
I am SUPER lucky that the Unicorn King poked me with his Immortal Horn that time in the Garden of Divine Creatures. SUPER lucky you guys.
Anyway now that i’ve got that out of the way lets talk about that bitch Whitney Houston. More >
It’s Moomi season!
Jun 29th
PULL! Just kidding, Like most mythical creatures, Moomi, Queen of the Butterflies only emerges at certain times.These times are known as “Buy My Album” months in Mariahs calendar, they are clearly marked with an orange marker.
The eating months are marked with a green marker and gold butterfly stickers. The purging month with a red marker and images of a sad unicorn with a broken horn. Moomi Album Season is a time of giving, namely where Mariah gives the world an abundance of LOLS and we buy her shitty albums as a thank you. Anywhore, Mariah is recording the video for her new trash-hit Obsessed. Basically this song is all about how Eminiem is apparently obsessed with her, a story brough to light ala Gwen Stefani .
Here is Mariah doing her version of Eminiem for the video.
Tyra and Mooms should team up together and they can make a whole series playing dress up and eating. It would be a glorious smash of ego titans and it would end in tears, torn weaves and salsa dip.
Moomi to make an album about her imperfections
May 21st
Mariah Carey is many things, but she isn’t perfect. So what’s a girl to do whilst chowing down on her mac’n'cheese? Make an album about it. Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, she truly is a gift from God. According to her twitter, a special update will arrive at 3:27pm, I’m guessing the time after she throws a grammy at one of her maids for breathing. Or maybe because she wants to fill herself up with endless amounts of Mac’n'cheese to cure her 3:30itis.
My kind of steak.
Jan 20th
MooMi is at it again. No not clearing the buffet table before 6pm, but trying to act! It’s well known fact that Mariah Carey is an actress of caliber and prestiege built from a strong filmography littered with roles in such cinematic classics as Glitter and…uhm, well that’s more than enough! So it should come as no surprise that Mariah is getting rave reviews for her performance as a stuffed sausage social worker in the new movie Push.
Somehow though, it is a big surprise. It really, really is. I am guessing these critics also enjoy german sausages and that is why they appreciate mimi. I will happily pay full admission for this movie to see this bitch crumble without makeup. Fabulous Butterfly Divas should never be without makeup. It’s like Anna Wintour and animal cruelty. The two should not be kept apart!
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