FUCKASEDIF9WEFR9WEFWEFNWEFWEF UGH

Sorry fans, it’s Mimi here, and my usually glorious composure that I get from my inner butterfly has departed today because that SKANK and TROLLFUCK Toni Braxton is bringing out a new song. BITCH PLEASE DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO? No one gives a damn fuck about your beat face any more, go home before I smack you with my butterfly empress cane. Meanwhile I have a new album on the way which is OBVIOUSLY going to blow Toni’s shitfest OUT OF THE WATER. Plus she is looking fat on that cover.

Ugh. Okay with that out of my system, I have a really really HUGE announcement to make. Hold on whilst I put this donut down, it’s making my hooves hands (sorry, my ghost typer Chi-Lung gets a little cheeky! No dinner for her this month!) sticky!

People have been calling me fat again lately, and that is really hurtful to me because I’m just a real woman, and we put on weight sometimes, you know? I’m no different. Im real and normal, I like to sit around some nights with 30 bags of Frito-Lays and a gateau just like any other girl.

Anyway, the reason I’ve put on a little beef (is THAT why people call me Moomi? I still don’t get it!!!) Is because i’ve got a muffin in my oven! Mmm delicious muffins! I wish i had a chocolate muffin with a creamy centre right now. God that would be great.

Oh wait, yes my announcement is that IM PREGNANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!1111!!

There is a little pupa inside of me right now!!!!! I cant wait for it to hatch into the beautiful Emperor Butterfly i know it is! Anyway with that out of the way, lets talk about some really important news – People are saying i’m due an OSCAR nod for Best Supporting Actress for my role in the amazing new movie Precious. It should put to rest any haters who think i can’t act as I am really a multi-faceted performer and human being.

I mean, I can’t say I hear of Toni Braxton getting any Oscar buzz. That’s because I am the greatest actress of my time and I’m glad people are finally realizing that I am not just an incredibly and beautiful pop singer, there is a depth to me not many people know about.

Anyway, guys, I need to go now, because Jack needs to be combed with his diamond brush and then I have to go eat some food – I might waste away! BYEEE FANS

P.S Buy my new album out soon.

Everyone knows Moomi had to stare at the charts for many years and visit several counsellors to accept the news that The Beatles had more number ones than her. After extensive research to prove the Beatles weren’t just a practical joke from Toni Braxton’s people Mim’s finally publically admitted that The Beatles existed on last night’s America’s Got Tubbies.

Of course this was only after Mooms half-sung her way through her new track and fake-loved up Nick Cannon on stage. Girl was just wondering where the carbs be hiding. WHERE U AT CARBS. COME OUT, FOOL! IMMA EAT CHOO!

Uh, the answer evidently is YES YOU CAN. And if Mariah’s message is being read right, she is Obsessed with herself. Which is brand new information to the world.

Dear World,

I am writing to tell you that whilst i am deeply saddened by the passing of Michael Jackson, I also would like everyone to remember that the world must go on. We cannot let this tragedy consume us, and what better way to move on than to buy my new single Obsessed. In many ways, it relates to what has happened here with Michael, because you know the world was Obsessed with him. I can understand what that is like, as i am the only person alive whom has ever been as famous as Michael was. He was the ying to my yang. The Moth to my Butterfly. The Sausage to my Dress.  What im trying to say here is one of the great ways you can support Michael now he has passed is to support me, Michael’s good friend and also the number one selling female artist of all time.  You guys know I hate blowing my own trumpet but I have been told more than once that I am a living legend. Michael used to be too and we are similar in that sense also.

I am SUPER lucky that the Unicorn King poked me with his Immortal Horn that time in the Garden of Divine Creatures. SUPER lucky you guys.

Anyway now that i’ve got that out of the way lets talk about that bitch Whitney Houston. (more…)

PULL! Just kidding, Like most mythical creatures, Moomi, Queen of the Butterflies only emerges at certain times.These times are known as “Buy My Album”  months in Mariahs calendar, they are clearly marked with an orange marker.

The eating months are marked with a green marker and gold butterfly stickers. The purging month with a red marker and images of a sad unicorn with a broken horn.  Moomi Album Season is a time of giving, namely where Mariah gives the world an abundance of LOLS and we buy her shitty albums as a thank you. Anywhore, Mariah is recording the video for her new trash-hit Obsessed.  Basically this song is all about how Eminiem is apparently obsessed with her, a story brough to light ala Gwen Stefani .

Here is Mariah doing her version of Eminiem for the video.

Tyra and Mooms should team up together and they can make a whole series playing dress up and eating. It would be a glorious smash of ego titans and it would end in tears, torn weaves and salsa dip.

Mariah Carey is many things, but she isn’t perfect. So what’s a girl to do whilst chowing down on her mac’n'cheese? Make an album about it. Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, she truly is a gift from God. According to her twitter, a special update will arrive at 3:27pm, I’m guessing the time after she throws a grammy at one of her maids for breathing. Or maybe because she wants to fill herself up with endless amounts of Mac’n'cheese to cure her 3:30itis.

MooMi is at it again. No not clearing the buffet table before 6pm, but trying to act! It’s well known fact that Mariah Carey is an actress of caliber and prestiege built from a strong filmography littered with roles in such cinematic classics as Glitter and…uhm, well that’s more than enough! So it should come as no surprise that Mariah is getting rave reviews for her performance as a stuffed sausage social worker in the new movie Push.

Somehow though, it is a big surprise. It really, really is. I am guessing these critics also enjoy german sausages and that is why they appreciate mimi. I will happily pay full admission for this movie to see this bitch crumble without makeup. Fabulous Butterfly Divas should never be without makeup. It’s like Anna Wintour and animal cruelty. The two should not be kept apart!

Kelly Clarkson - All I Ever Wanted CD

Mimi must have had a quiet word with Kelly Clarkson about killing her airbrush artists because Kelly pulled out of the photoshop awards a little for the cover of her album.

Of course when Mimi has a quiet word with someone it involves her staring them down across the room and snapping her fattest finger.  A minion is sent across the room to inform the other half of the discussion that “Mariah would like you to know she is most displeased, and would like you to ask yourself whatever happened to Toni Braxton (*spit*).” and after giving Kelly a swift moment to think about that, the minion would add gently “She ate her. She ate her.”

Mariah Carey’s voice has been sounding like a beat down cat trying to drag it’s half-ass off of a motorway for quite some time now. Mimi just stands there like a big tired sad Wurste and lets her backing singers try to cover for her. Well Mimi’s worries are all over because a dedicated fan of the Butterfly Princess herself has taken the time to record her own Mimi vocals, and to call them spectacular would be an understatement. Milli Vanilli that shit pronto Mimi, know one will know. This truly is the voice of angels. 
 

More after the cut! Dolphins are coming!!!!
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As we’ve already documented, Mariah Carey routinely sets the standard in sheer elegance, grace and understated beauty each and every Christmas. Like a grandfather clock through the years, you can always rely on Mariah Carey to bring that extra touch of grace to any festive occasion. 

There are only two things more genteel than Mariah Carey at Christmas, because Mariah is the patron saint of Christmas. In no particular order those things are

- Pink Tinsel and/or Pink fibre optic trees.
- Tampon Christmas Angels

Oh shit sorry did i say classy? I meant offensively ugly. I’m not good with the words. It’s why i have a blog. You don’t need to be good at writing to blog! If i were in a room of bloggers i’d shoot those bitches, starting with the one who brought the camera to document our blog-meet for Youtube.

 Merry Christmas from Suicidal Jack, Nick Jr and MooMoo