Tomorrow, our lucky American readers will be celebrating their Independence Day. We thought Jessica Simpson’s rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner would be an appropriate way to forget their are two wars, Perez Hilton getting bashed, an uprising and a military coup happening in our world at the present moment.

Celebrity

• Hairspray's Nikki Blonsky has been arrested and charged with assault, after her and her father had a run-in with America's Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden. All 3 could face jail time in a Caribbean prison. Sounds like a great getaway retreat. Do you think it involved a fat taunt?
• Cher, Kelsey Grammer, Shia LeBeouf, Lindsay Lohan, Bernie Mac and Amy Winehouse all attended a medical center in the past 7 days. I'm gonna throw myself off a roof now so I can be a victim too.
• Sean Bean and Balthazar Getty are rumoured to be opening a Club Med for men who are too retarded in relationships.

Movie News:

• The new Harry Potter film trailer premiered. Film buffs have been orgasing all summer and they will be doing much the same this winter.
• RottenTomatoes.com told us something we already knew, the new Mummy film looks like shit.

And we end with the album cover for Jessica Simpons' new CD. The crabs are safe and sound.

Image sources: TMZ, SonyBMG

Hey it's Steffi Aniston reporting from Hicksville, Tennessee and we've just received word that a Jessica Simpson's new single "Come On Over" has just entered the Billboard Country Radio Charts and as expected the Simpson camp has gone wild. It seems Jessica's pursuit of the Deep South has paid dividends.

Joe Simpson is delighted and he can't wait for Jessica to get home where they will celebrate by urinating on each other and playing Joe's favourite game, "Daddy Does Daughter". Since Joe has sold off Ashlee to the Wentz family back in May, it's been relativey quiet around the household and Joe is really desperate to beat Dina Lohan at the parenting stakes.

In keeping with the country theme, Jessica Simpson will film the music video in an abattoir in New Mexico. It will basically be a "FUCK YOU" video to PETA as she dances around dead carcasses of pigs as a native family from the local Baptist church perform their own version of The Aristocrats. 

This is Steffi Aniston, reporting for LA Deli.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Jessica Simpson wondered into the sun last week and emerged alive. A friend close to Simpson, Coco the Clown, said that she was “doing fine” and would be “back to her old self in no time.”

Despite being a scientist trained in sunology I have no real explanation for her survival, I can however say that she now makes airport officials nervous and is a mention of Mohammed away from arrest.