I don’t know the answer to that question, but all I do know is that IT’S COLD IN THE D.

Well, according to weather.com it’s actually humid with light rain and a chance of thunder in the D, but I’ll let it slide for metaphorical purpose in the context of a lyrical masterwerk.

Ah BBC3, once a promising new network for youth comedy, now what i like to call a “hot fucking tranny disaster zone”. In line with giving the world high quality entertainment, BBC shoved a camera in the hands of some failed film graduates or something, who came up with  ’Britney Spears Saved my Life’ a painful hour long process which was an exercise in not only torture, but also delicious awfulness. This was all provided by some crazy fans, but credit should also be given to the complete bumbling idiots behind the camera;  intent on transforming fans into a freakshow for public heckling… which we have kindly edited together for readers of the site into a succinct five minute summary! We are good to you guys.

To say the show was inept would be a gross understatement.  The cheap title sequence clearly designed in Paint gave way to an hour of journalistic questions like “Wait, this was in Tehran, so like, why weren’t you like stoned to death? LOL” and “Im thinking you are gay?”.  There were several awkward interludes with fans sitting infront of a sheer metallic curtain listening to Britney songs whilst being forced to stare into the camera as it slowly zooms in. One of the most amazing/disturbing moments in television comes from a young boy in glasses staring into the camera during My Prerogative.

In all the programme was an absolute disaster in every sense of the word, and that is exactly why we should never let BBC3 live it down. Remember, British public, this is what you pay £130 a year for! Hurrah!

Ugh. I know, I KNOW. Adrien Brody attends BOSS Orange’s fashion party and a small part of himself must admit he’s gay for that alone. I can only hope, since apparently i’m attracted to guys who look like they’ve been woken up by the sound of another hobo pissing on THEIR spot. I am not even going to begin to discuss that outfit, but suffice to say I’d hop on that train and honk it’s crookedy ass nose until the sun comes up!

Images: Just Jared

Well if this doesn’t make you feel massively uncomfortable then try watching this directly after three hours of watching The Hills. Theres sure to be a little vomit in your mouth by that stage.

Mr Mac needs to be careful with his paint. And his molesting.

So please make this all stop and leave it to the professionals. Heres Lindsay at her 23rd birthday party. Oh you thought she was older? You mean like 24? 25? 63?

Zachary Quinto struts around LA with his shoulders about four inches further back than the should be. Whenever i see Zachary Quinto walking i feel like he’s going to stop half way, round snap his fingers and shout “Hay gurl why you weave be so fabulous?” but unfortunately this is yet to happen. I will settle for him falling over his dog though and having a piss-fit about it all.

Oh and yeah, he’s being followed around by a giant steak and a butcher. He then helps his giant steak friend who manages to get stuck on the sidewalk in a bush.  I am not high enough for this.

I would say i’ll have what Mr Gaga’s having but i don’t want to be coming out of the situation looking like Mon Mome after a stable orgy.
 

There are no words for this epic fail. Oh wait, yest there are and those words are “fucking” and “mess” and “disaster” and “tranny” in any particular order. It’s a fun game.

Fucking mess disaster tranny
Fucking disaster tranny mess
Disaster Tranny fucking mess
The list goes on!

Here at LA Deli we've compiled this weeks celebrity news and added our own special style of vagina juices to make it go down better.

• Madonna, 49, and Guy Ritchie, 39, are headed for divorce. Rumors are circulating it was about Kabbalah (which is so 2004), a dried up vag and too much air humping. We think its a combination of the 3.

• You know it's sad when Lily Allen wins a fight.  Perez Hilton was saying some not so nice shit about how Capitol Records isn't Lily's favorite artist anymore and no one talks about her because Katy Perry is the new king-dick because of her single I Kissed A Girl. Lily retaliated by saying I haven't made a new record in two years, and Capitol Records only distributes her music in the US, and Perez wants to fuck her up badly because she's the only person that knows that only 7 people went to Perez's fashion launch and that Perez is only saying bad shit about her because she dumped Mark Ronson as a producer, who Perez has a crush on. Anyone who knocks Perez is a good friend of mine.

• Anti-Perez comments are always appreciated at LA Deli. During the week Perez used Katherine Heigl again as another chance to spread his vendetta on celebrities who smoke, or maybe just Katherine. Perez used a Fergie approach, i.e. smoking causes L-U-N-G C-A-N-C-E-R and E-M-P-H-Y-S-E-M-A. Ask any adult who smokes and they'd be the first to say "N-O S-H-I-T". But the best anti-Perez comment of the week came from user "Posh" who summed it up perfectly. O-V-E-R-E-A-T-I-N-G. Remember guys, if you betray us and see that fat turd make sure you say something cruel and nasty.

• You know its a quiet week in Hollywood when Uma Thurman's wedding plans is news. I wonder what accent she will use at the wedding to say her vows. I heard Polish-Chinese is in.

• Paris Hilton is back in the recording studio. Guys! I know what you're thinking. But she's writing songs with part-time lover Benji Madden. I can't wait for that shit to leak out when I'm sitting on a toilet.

• Kathy Griffin uses more gay people for more personal gain in her reality show My Life on the D-List.

• The star of the week goes to Mary-Kate Olsen. Who's David Letterman interview pretty summed up the hot mess that she is.

Michelle Williams is kind of like the cousin who tagged along with the hot twin sisters and didn't get as much attention and also didnt get half the pooty-tang because her ass was too busy being inadequate.

Who was to know that she would become the least annoying Destiny's Child member and actually go and make a good CD rather than wailing into a microphone like Christina Aguilera was beasting her with a strap-on! Her new song We Break the Dawn is what the gays and Christian Siriano would call "ferosh" and Tyra would call "fierce" and some other gays would call "a hot mess". It's not actually a mess, it's just all hot. P.S Can i have the Destiny's Child plastic surgeon and airbrush artist in my house pronto. There is work to be done.

Despite looking and acting like the lovechild of Marilyn Manson and a bipolar hyena, Britney Spears' new single 'Gimme More' has taken off in a huge way. After going to #68 in airplay alone, a format Spears has never been particularly popular on, shes finally released the track for digital download, and despite mass piracy of the track since airplay debut – it's on track to be the fastest selling digital download ever, beating Fergie's Fergalicious if she sells the projected 300,000 digital downloads, if all goes well, Spears will make the largest Billboard jump ever – from #68 to #1, which will be only her second US #1 after Baby One More Time. So i guess the only thing the American public enjoy more than an under aged schoolgirl is a troubled twenty five year old with dodgy hair extensions. HOT MESS is now a valuable commodity.

This should be an inspirational tale to all the crazy bloated twenty-somethings in the world. You too can have a #1 selling song, but it will be a long and winding road of head shaving, vagina flashing and shockingly embarrassing performances.