Posts tagged Gwyneth Paltrow
Goopy Poop
Mar 16th
Anyone who’s galloped over to that boring horsey peice of trash Gwyneth Paltrow’s shitty lifestyle “e-zine” known as “Goop” will understand perfectly the following LA Deli creation.
Click to enlarge
Sarah Jessica Parker is slipping her golden sugarcubes.
Aug 10th
You know what I'd say to Gwyneth Paltrow if i met her? I'd tell her to change her fucking name to Gwenyth so I could fucking spell it, then I'd high five her for calling her kids Apple and Moses and then i'd ask if she'd sign an autograph to see if her signature is boring enough to simply blend in with the paper itself.
Gwyneth Paltrow and world-renowned photographer Steven Klein hosted a benefit For Hamptons Amaryllis Farm Equine Rescue in New York on Saturday.
The 35-year-old actress has been helping AFER in their mission of saving horses. Since 2005, Amaryllis Farm Equine Rescue has saved 72 horses, mules, and donkeys primarily from abusive slaughter.
Duh of course she is saving horses, she is eyeing a role for Sex and the City 2 and she is getting mad notes slipped to her from Sarah Jessica Parker, Hilary Duff and Hilary Swank. Those bitches do NOT want to go the glue factory and can't obviously turn up at the event themselves for fear that people will connect the dots.
I wish someone would ask Sarah Jessica Parker on the red carpet what her feelings are about glue. I'm sure you'd see the fear of god in her horse eyes. She'd shit a brick and grab her assistant, that would be a spooked horse!
Gwyninator
Apr 16th
The May issue of Vogue will just sell like hot cakes. I mean what the fuck? Did Anna Wintour just take a dump on Gwyneth Paltrow's career or was she too busy throwing bricks at her secretary to realize what the fuck she let out.
Wait, hold on. After I've had my dick chopped off I want to look like a Final Fantasy character. Thanks Gwyneth, you're so inspirational.
Splitsville for Chris and Gwyneth
Sep 6th
Rumour has it that the D word is rotation between Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Divorce. They've been out of circulation as a couple for months now and we've been noticing.
Now this may seem like a coincidence but how do you explain the recent four hour hair appointment and only a couple minutes with any mention of the other Martin. Now this may be so much time dedicated to talk of the kids, but the fact that she quickly changed the topic from him to them?
Staff on the site also took note that she seemed quote unqoute vague and unenthusiastic when his name was mentioned. Sure doesn't sound like a happy couple to me. If they decide to stay together and try to make it work it's only because of Apple and Moses.
Gwyneth Paltrow uses snake venom to stay evil.
Aug 6th
Gwyneth Paltrow uses snake venom ingredients in a mosturizer to help keep her face looking boring and stiff it has been claimed. She probably milks her very own snake fangs into a tub of lard and rubs that shit in.
The Oscar-winning actress swears by an anti-wrinkle skin cream made from serpent poison to keep her skin looking young and vibrant. Gwyneth is said to regularly visit the Beverly Hills Sonya Dakar Skin Clinic where she buys a wide range of Ultra Lux 9 products – including one cream which contains the venom.A source told the New York Post newspaper: "It's not Botox.""It is just a cream that has the venom of a snake in it. The cream is part of the facial treatments available at the spa."
I don't get why people keep referring to her as 'The Oscar winning actress' because I believe 'Skanktroll she-demon' is a more contemporary description. I wouldn't be surprised if she mosturizers her meaty lips with pure spider baby juice. Satan sends her a beauty basket once a month. God, I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I liked Sliding Doors though. Probably just because of the different hairstyles and the Aqua song though. Don't judge me it was a gay year for me.
Gwenny Paltrow probably keeps her Oscar in her cooter.
Jul 30th
Gwyneth Paltrow decided that she suddenly likes America enough to fly on over to Comic Con and whore some movie or some dumb shit to do with her career. Gwenny is the most insulting bitch in Hollywood. When asked how she felt about COMIC CON bitch said the following
I really hate Americans and I hate fat geeks even more. Seriously why don't you fat bastards get a life and lose some weight! Look at you, how the christ are you going to get laid if you cum in your pants at a fucking movie trailer! God I hate you all you pathetic sacks of shit!
Just kidding, but that's what she was thinking and don't pretend it wasn't. God she is just such a boring ass bitch! Look at that pic! She is judging you with her eyes and has her Oscar stored in her vadge in case the occasion calls for it. Like when your having a conversation about global warming and Gwyneth Paltrow walks up and just pulls out her moist Oscar and is all like.
I am Oscar winner Gwyneth Paltrow and my opinion on global warming is that it is very bad news. I do enjoy debating it with my friends in England. My best friend, Madonna, is also against global warming and we are planning to have a jamming session in which we record some tracks for our own global warming record.
Then she puts the oscar away and just walks off and pulls it out again and is all like
I am Oscar winner Gwyneth Paltrow and my opinion on cocktail sausages is that they are very bad news. I hate all pork based products as they have pig in them, and killing pigs is very bad. My friend Stella McCartney and I are planning to hold a fashion show in which we protest cocktail sausages and poor treatment of pigs.
Bitch rinses and repeats until her Oscar has gotten her off and someone has slapped her in the face. Probably Jerry Hall because she is angry that way.
England doesn’t want Gwyneth Paltrow either.
Dec 4th
All Gwyneth Paltrow ever seems to do is bitch about how awful America is and how awesome Britain is. Here is her latest tirade against the US.
Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent comments branding Americans not as civilised or intelligent as their English counterparts has sparked fury in her homeland.The Los Angeles-born actress made her remarks to a Portuguese newspaper last weekend and almost immediately radio stations across America were besieged with angry callers regarding the Shakespeare In Love star’s comments.
She says: “I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilised than the Americans. I love the English lifestyle. I’m not as capitalistic as America.”
One caller blasted back, saying: “If she feels that way we are far better off without her.”
Well, I have it under good authority that Britain hates Gwyneth Paltrow and her dull tits too. So let’s look at alternative places for Gwynny to base her bitching and preaching from.
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