Never thought the names Ron Howard and Heidi Montag would be seen together in any context other than ‘Who was within 50 feet of each other at a red carpet event’ but Mr Howard upgraded from directing Angels & Demons to create a FunnyorDie.com video with Heidi Montag basically taking the piss out of her new face. Now i say new face, but i mean her old face, since she looks ollllllllllllllld, but its new.

I don’t want to be an asshole, but since it’s genetically imprinted in me to be so, I will just go right on ahead and say what everyone is thinking – Just what in the fuck is happening to Craig David’s face?

He’s allegedly 28 years old. ALLEGEDLY!

Things I can believe more than this:

Paris Hilton is a virgin
Brooke Hogan is on the path to a successful pop career
Heidi Montag has a high IQ

It’s like looking death in the eye. If Death had sexy times with a giant spider-horse and gave birth to a baby born in a house made of ugly sticks. Everything about Trace Cyrus makes me think of this video.

He should get together with TomKat and Speidi and they can all go on a triple date together for a natural and intimate time with similar people.

Sharon you take the kids and I’ll hold it off. If you hear four knocks on the cellar door you’ll know it’s me, otherwise, don’t open it. NOW RUN.

Several Hours later, Sharon hears four knocks on the cellar door. Her tear stained face lights up with joy as she runs to open the hatch. However, that joy soon turns to terror when…

Since living in the shadow of Beyonces weave, Cassandra, is difficult, a girl has to find a time and place to shine – and what better time and place to shine than the most shiny, glittery time of all – gay pride! And what better way to shine than to dress up like a giant rainbow? And what better way to make people remember your shine than to show off your puffy vagina and the rough area of the pubic hair that surrounds it?

Wait..what? Solange is asking for a double dosing of scissor-me-timbers from Rosie O at this shit. Flaunting vagina infront of gay men is dangerous enough, creating a mass hysteria of flailing and tears since to gay men the vagina is of course on the same plateau as Satan. But shimmying your snatch in shiny material infront of a pack of horny lesbians? That’s practically like offering to fix their broken drain with your toolbelt after you’ve hit the barbers.

Amanda Bynes’ career hasn’t been on fire lately, so the obvious solution to  a lack of roles is new lips!

I totally get this logic. When im not performing at work i just stuff a sausage into my top lip and suddenly my career hits new highs. Everyone thinks bruised housewife is a sexy look. If that doesn’t work then i lick my top lip lusciously, then everyone gets the REAL look i was going for, that being person with lips most likely to give great oral sex.

Chris Crocker took a break from deeply intellectual video blogging to tell us he’s definitely not a joke and is a fine picture of sanity. He really is an excellent role model.

Can someone make a Tyra versus Chris Crocker GIF now? I think his purpose will then be complete.

I’m not going to say Kevin Federline has become a fat bastard, beacuse that’s really rude. What i will say is Kevin Federline should be kept away from African safaris, because if someone doesn’t try and shoot him for game then some mother elephant will probably mistake him as her baby. You know he’s the sneaky bitch who you invite round for Christmas who then eats all your festive biscuits. 

Pictures: X17

No it’s not spitroasting the turkey when no-ones looking, its MooMoo’s Christmas Trips to Aspen!!!
 

Yes thats right, as we’ve seen for many years, Mariah is one of the rare rich people who embrace the snow around Christmas, and rich people do this together in a town called Aspen. MooMoo squeezed her fat sausage ass into a red and black lycra and christmastoe combination that makes me eyes weep but my ass miss the sweet smooth feeling only lycra can give. Moom’s also looks beat like a mormon hooker. Moom’s needs to ask Nick to go a little easy on the cum facials because they aren’t working out for her.

You know Madonna and Gwnney Paltrow get together to lez off and talk about how they can save the world? Or how Bono and Bob Geldoff do exactly the same thing? Well those are examples of annoying people coming together to at least try and do good for their own grattification.

Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale, however, probably have conversations more like this.

Ashley Tisdale and her Fug Nose: Omg i saw your photos on the internet again. How does that keep happening?
Miley Cyrus and her Fug Teefs: I DONT KNOW! (In a Monica Gellar impression. Die, bitch!) I just know that it's really, like, annoying, now the whole world knows my big secret that I was dating Nick Jonas. It's so embarrasing. i just want my privacy, you know?
Ashley Tisdale: I totally know, it's so difficult, especially with my giant ugly nose and all. I'm so ashamed of it!
Miley: Your nose is cute. You should just rock it. Or get more work done.
Ashley: I was thinking tha…oh my god look at that dress, isn't it cute. It's like, totally my colour too!
Miley: Oh my god i love it. And those shoes are so, like, AWESOME.
Ashley: Let's buy them!

Later that evening.

Ashley: I'm bored.
Miley: Do you want to go shopping?
Ashley: No, i've already spent like twenty grand today! Maybe again tomorrow. I need to scratch my snatch.
Miley: I have an idea. LETS MAKE A YOUTUBE VIDEO. Everyone loves us and you know people on youtube would love to see us on a video together, how awesome would that be? Like, really awesome!
Ashley: Can you light it so people don't see my nose so bad?
Miley: I have professional lighting in my youtube video room! Don't worry girl!
Ashley: What would we do?
Miley: LOL!!!! You don't have to do anything on a youtube video. Just talk a lot about yourself. It's awesome!
Ashley: Yay!

Later that week.

Ashley (On Phone): Miley, i've been reading some of those youtube video comments. People notice my nose! They are being really horrible about it!
Miley (On Phone, using other hand to awkwardly hold a camera above her head and pout intermittently at it, before checking the LCD to see if it needs deleted and reshot) : Uh…oh….like,  what did they say?
Ashley: Well here's one.. "That bitch has one fucked up nose! It looks like shes shoved eight spades and two carrots in there! FUG!" , like can you see how that hurts my feelings?
Miley: Uhm, yeah. That's a shame.
Ashley: Heres another. "She is so fucking ugly i had to turn to vomit, then I looked back at the screen and i threw up again. It was like two girls one cup, except two girls one fucking ugly nosejob!"
Miley: Like, woah, that is like, totally un-necesary.
Ashley (whinging): This one is like the meanest of all though.  "Her nose is the visual representation of satan and offends my eyes more than anything i've seen thus far in my life. Also, that Miley slut has fucked up toofs!"
Miley: Hold. On. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT. THE . FUCK. Like, how DARE they? Who do these NERDS think they are. DAAAD. DAAAAAAAAAAAD COME UP HERE. CALL THE LAWYERS.