Mel Gibson really wants to be blown.
Jul 14th
One of the things that have emerged from Mel Gibson’s quadrology of epic audio tapes is that he really, really want’s to be blown. Like whilst Mel may think Oksana is a cunt/whore/slut/bitch/ whatever else, he still needs her to know that he deserves to be blown. So she can be a cuntwhoreslutbitch all she likes, as long as she’s doing it and not falling asleep. Because Mel really has earned this blowjob he keeps babbling on about.
Additionally, the tapes have kind of given an evolving supporting character role to The Jacuzzi which has more depth and honesty as the saga continues than either of these tools. Whilst Oksana is clapsing her hands together and laughing internally saying “my precious money” under her breath, and Mel is basically being Satan incarnate, the Jacuzzi is just minding it’s business, but having a subtextual evolution from inanimate outdoors bathing device to the glue that kept these twats together. Whilst these bitches are inside shouting and smashing teefs, the Jacuzzi is outside in the cold lonely dark just trying to keep warm. Who’s the real victim here?
Also tragically for the jacuzzi, it became the site of any sexual activity between the two, which involves Mel basically walking up to Oksana and saying ‘BLOW ME BITCH BECAUSE I DESERVE IT’ and Oksana seeing Mel as a giant dollar sign that she has to lick every now and then. Licking dollar signs is fun. Blowing a fusty racist sociopath is not. So they make an appointment to “go to the jacuzzi”. Why not in the kitchen? What about the bedroom? Hasn’t the jacuzzi been through ENOUGH ALREADY?
Jacuzzi is not a hot tub! Leave jacuzzi alone!!!
I wish Askars would drunkenly molest me too.
Jul 13th
Let’s not lie. The idea of Alexander Skarsgard drunkenly and perhaps otherwise stripping and trying everything in his power to have raw sexual contact with you is pretty much the image you’ve always wanted to imagine, but never quite been able to get over the obvious disparity between the way he looks and you look to do it. Fear not, fuggo – as we bring you a video of Askars doing all the bad things to a very lucky curly haired man that he should do to me.
http://www.dailymotion.com/videoxdyuv5In other news though, peddle pushers are never okay. Not for cycling. Not for anything. Not even on Askars. No dice.
Mel Gibson is as pleasant as he is kind.
Jul 12th
When you’re trying to woo the heart of your standoffish wife, what better way to do it than to call her a whore, cunt, and tell her she’s a piece of shit and that she show blow you because you deserve it whilst your crazy cool wife is just like chilling out watching Days of Our Lives on the other side of the phone. Finish it up with telling her she has no soul and you’re going to kill her.
Oksana is some crazy relaxed cucumber. She’s just doing her nails, chillaxing all cool whilst Mel is literally having a heart attack. Until the end then she gets a bit shouty and starts plying her hands together thinking of all the sweet nectar shes going to make out of this crazy fucking lunatic
SHUT IT DOWN. SHUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
Jul 11th
It’s bad enough that Jordan pranced her orangutan ass into a sound booth to let autotune haul her ass over a song as it sweated and strained violently, but this fuckery is too much.
Alice Deejay called from 1999 to say “You can keep my reject song, bitch!” and the British public called to say that we’ve heard you sing live already ho, so let’s not go there.
Someone else who called was Heidi Montag, who took to her twitter to praise Jordan’s mass attack on eardrums, because you know, one generic autotuned talentless dance music whore to the next, it all perfection to her ears. In Heidi’s mind, autotuned vocals of a plastic skank sounds like the soothing Cello, and random beeps and blips sound like the piano and double bass. Now, praising the song is one act of mental retardation, granted, but Heidi went on to suggest a remix with her on it.
After i stopped shaking and crying and my flatmate coaxed me down from the balcony with some Oreo’s I can firmly say that my response to this idea is negative. I am not interested in this collaboration, and I feel it’s important for the world as a whole to not have this happen.
Edward Norton gets the side-eye from Marvel
Jul 11th
After being dropped from playing Bruce Banner in any future Incredible Hulk incarnations, Edward Norton got a nice little dose of “Fuck You” dropped in his press box today, as Marvel went public to sassback him for being kind of a dick.
Some marvel bigwig named Kevin Feige decided that they’d basically like to have some sort of control over the actors in their movies, rather than let them, oh you know, totally fuck up the film to give themselves better lines and more screentime. Kevin had a few choice words as to why Eddy wont be back for future Marvel films.
“We have made the decision to not bring Ed Norton back to portray the title role of Bruce Banner in the Avengers. Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members. The Avengers demands players who thrive working as part of an ensemble, as evidenced by Robert, Chris H, Chris E, Sam, Scarlett, and all of our talented casts. We are looking to announce a name actor who fulfills these requirements, and is passionate about the iconic role in the coming weeks.”
Translation: Hi meaty Chandler Bing; the door is over there. Don’t let it hit your ass on the way out. OH PS FUCK YOU.
If we were in a disco club right now there’d be a dance off between Ed Norton and Kevin Feige and unfortunately for Ed the shank eyes of Kevin are too powerful for him to compete with. He can bust out big box little box all he likes, but Kevin Feige has moshgirl moves.
MOSHGIRL MOVES WIN EVERY TIME.
Mel Gibson’s career just died on a pavement.
Jul 10th
Well Mel Gibson already made slurs towards the most powerful people in Hollywood; so why not against half of the world? Yes the above clip is the much talked about ‘Mel Gibson being racist and evil towards his wife’ clip. Listen as he calls her a whore, marvel when he says her fake tits look like a Vegas slut’s, swoon as he says she’s asking to be raped by ‘a pack of…’ well, i think you can get where the N-Bomb drops from there.
NEWSFLASH: Lindsay Lohan a trainwreck and bitch.
Jul 8th
Yes this is the Lindsay Lohan Burning At the Pyre brigade, but look at this video of Lindsay Lohan and people kissing her ass.
The Lioness is coming out to search for some CRACK and then smoke some SHIT whilst she flings things at some dude and tells him not to touch her hair.
Well, you would do, wouldn’t you?
Jul 8th
If you were Lindsay Lohan’s Lawyer you’d either
A. Be cutting yourself at night.
B. Be high as a kite.
C. Run for the hills! Man the harpoons!
Well, not even a week after LiLo got her ass handed to her by a judge, her lawyer decided to quit that tragedy.
Shawn Chapman Holley decided that her figure couldn’t tolerate the booze she had to ply into it to get her through each day any more and told Lindsay to take her ass down an alleyway and hope a homeless crackhead has a history in legal because their relationship is OVER.
Lindsay is already being represented by a new lawyer; although the only person crackie enough to stand Lilo would be Courtney Love and Whitney Houston. Now theres a case i’d like to see. Whitney and Courtney both using big words like “Objection!” and “Conclusion” whilst they randomly punch the air and fart in LiLo’s mouth. Courtney wouldn’t stand for any of those crocodile tears, and Whitney would tweak out and start shouting BOBBY! BOBBY! BOBBY! until they tazed her. My life would be complete. It could be made into the motion picture comeback event of the decade.
Lindsay Lohan should win an Oscar
Jul 7th
I never thought i’d say that, but watch the video in this post to see what i mean.
That heart wrenching performance was followed up with the Judge saying “Good, but your no Meryl Streep! Off to the chokey you bitch!”
Lindsay Lohan is going to the chokey!
Jul 6th
Oh holy night, the stars are shining brightly, and that dumb drunk whore Lindsay Lohan is finally getting what she’s bloody needed for the past decade in a nice hefty 3 month jail stint!
Lilo’s drunken nasty ass will be up for business soon as a judge ordered Lilo to 90 days prison and 90 days rehab for violating her probation a number of times,
Lilo of course tried to blame her hectic life of not working as a movie actress and instead being a dumb drunk ho! Lilo got weepy in the eyes when the judge decided FUCK THIS SHIT and sent her to jail for making a mockery of the justice system.
I would say this is the beginning of a new start of Lilo, but since Paris Hilton is still as much of a stupid drunk bitch whore as she always was i dont think we should get our hopes up!
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