This sounds like an Alanis Morisette impersonator recorded a demo which was then lost in the hair of Robert Pattinson for a few months before it was rewritten in fake blood on a tree.

HATE.

Heidi Montag’s new face has been hiding after the world saw it and then hissed/recoiled, but she’s finally going to try her famewhore parade once more. Heidi and her waxy ass hemorrhoid face took to Pure nightclub to shake her titanic titties for a little publicity, and looks like it worked!

Heidi still looked like she’d been attacked face on by an 18 wheeler and crawled out of  Madame Tussauds, but at least her eyebrows have descended a few inches since we last saw her.

She needn’t worry about falling over and bursting her face, since her gigantic orb titties will definitely take the brunt of any damage.

Today, while you are stuffing yourselves with 100% fat pancakes that will fatten your thighs, you may wanna check out the new Black Eyed Peas music video. It is so 3008. Seriously guys, it’s two music videos in one.

http://blackeyedpeas.dipdive.com/tv/#/~/videoplayer/0/5394/112845/~

The best thing about this 10-minute technological experiment, is that we can see the great Fergie in her true expressive form. We can see the future of where Fergie’s vagina is going to take us. Urinating in 3008 will be a cluster of sonic booms which will save the world. Wes Anderson eat your heart out.

On a personal level, after Fergie touched me with her sweet urine soaked hand in October last year, it’s a shame she will turn into everyone’s favourite Alaskan dildo, Sarah Palin.

Since Saint Heidi’s face is scaring the children, we are unfortunately being deprived the Annual Heidi & Spencer ‘Paparazzi Candids’ of their true, raw, unbridled love giving to one another.

However, never one to disappoint, Heidi decided to open up her other talents to the world and fortunately for us this didn’t involve her caterwauling like she’s trying to have sex with a cactus or wriggling around a stage like she’s got a case of tapeworms.

Unfortunately for the more sophisticated amongst us, Heidi turned her attention to the written word, specifically – poetry. Heidi decided to address her husband, so It’s sort of some weird satanist poem.

“Now that i found you it make me always want to sing” – Another reason to murder Spencer Pratt.
“My heart melts for you like the lava of the earth!” – If only magma would consume you.
“We are as free as the wind and dolphins!” – DOLPHINS!!! Like the one Jennifer Garner masturbated!!!

I managed to hold back the vomit for long enough to decide the following

1. Down with this filth
2. I’ve definitely become less intelligent for reading this
3. SPENCER PRATT MUST BE DEALT WITH.

If Spencer is the reason Heidi is singing then there is something that must be done asap. ASAP.

I don’t want to be an asshole, but since it’s genetically imprinted in me to be so, I will just go right on ahead and say what everyone is thinking – Just what in the fuck is happening to Craig David’s face?

He’s allegedly 28 years old. ALLEGEDLY!

Things I can believe more than this:

Paris Hilton is a virgin
Brooke Hogan is on the path to a successful pop career
Heidi Montag has a high IQ

Kevin Smith, director of ‘Jersey Girl’ and ‘Clerks’ was recently booted off of a SouthWest Air flight because the captain saw the payload triple and asked the flight attendants to check the cabin for any elephants or houses that might have snuck onboard.

After Kevin squeezed his thighs into an economy class seat (which he points out he did “with the arm rests down”  and “without a seatbelt extender” just incase you were wondering) an air hostess walked on up to him and told him “Sorry sir, we are concerned for the safety of those sitting on the aisles during the event of a bathroom break”

Okay she didn’t say that, but she did tell him the Captain wanted his jigglypuff ass off the plane. Of course Kevin has probably never flown with Ryanair because in fairness he wouldn’t actually fit on a Ryanair flight, but he should probably give it a whirl if his entertaining backlash on Twitter is any precedent.

If Ryanair was a person, it’d be Ann Coulter. They have no soul and hate life. Ryanair are bastards for a number of reasons. I will now list them so read on…..

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Dolphins are pretty smart creatures, so when Jennifer Garner decided to chill out with a male dolphin one day, that man-dolphin showed us just how smart he was by using her to jerk him off.

When on David Letterman, Garner said of filming “Fantasy Island” a show she was on at the infancy of her career

“When I played a dolphin I did research and I spent the day with that very dolphin, who was a male. So I was on the side of the tank talking to his trainer and the dolphin was swimming very close to me and I was trying to reach out ‘cos you wanna feel that skin, you know? it looks so cool,”

All going fine and dandy, right? Because it’s a Dolphin, and dolphins are kind of cool, so she was just hanging with her new dolphin buddy and she just wanted to cop a feel for the memories. The Dolphin as it turns out also wanted to cop a feel, and then some.

“So I had my feet dangling in the water, and the dolphin came and swam right over my foot. And I thought that was so cool! I said, ‘Look he likes me, this dolphin is swimming over my foot!’  I really wanted to feel the skin again, because it has like this cool, kind of leathery feel. So I had my foot as far in as I can go, and the dolphin came again,” she laughed.

“And it was so fun, it felt like we were playing a game. And he started swimming faster and faster right around my foot and really rubbing against my leg, and I thought this dolphin really is into me… and then the dolphin does something. And I said to the trainer, ‘Oh, I think the dolphin just peed.’ and he said, ‘No, Ma’am, no.’”

Jennifer went on to say that she further pressed the trainer of the Dolphin who said that the dolphin was saying “Mahalo” (thank you in Hawaiian)  before saying ‘That’s so weird, I didn’t feel anything.’  to which the trainer replied ‘That’s often the way it is, isn’t it Ma’am.’ ”

MAHALO! I am using that one in future! When people wake up with me stroking their hair dazed and confused from all the rohypnol, they’ll be all like “What happened last night? Where am i? Who are you?” and i’ll be all like “Mahalo!”

This dolphin is pretty much my hero. On my list of things i’d do if i met Jennifer Garner, using her to aide in my sexual fantasies is a close second to “passing out and vomiting”.

Tila Tequila took to her twitter (when is she never on twitter? does she tweet in her sleep?) to tell the world that she’s fallen off her chair and smacked her crazy head off of a wall.

Tragically, this is 99% likely to either be a way to ‘abort’ her fake-baby and 100% likely to be another cry for attention.

If you would like the satisfaction of seeing Tila Tequila the world’s Anal Wart falling off a chair, then JUMP

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THIS JUST IN:  Madonna is still a fucking bint. In her latest bitch move she took a break from injecting steroids and human souls into her veins to instead move 200 Malawians out of their houses by paying them all around $600 because their village was kind of a problem for her since it is located on the site she wants to build her school for girls at.  Local chiefs told everyone to “accept reality” and get their asses out.

Like 200 Malawians are totally fine having to completely restart their lives so Madonna can experience that little warm feeling only rich white people can get from “saving the poor Africans”.

Somewhere, Angelina Jolie is laughing heartily as she turns to Brad to say “Haha, Oh Brad, saving the world, she’s doing it WRONG!”

Saleeeen Deeeooonnn (also known in some cultures as Celine Dion) only comes down from her home in the clouds once every few years, usually when theres a large Kayaking event on or for Renee Charles’ haircut for the decade, but this time Celine is heading back to her home on earth known as Las Vegas!! Celine will play for 3 years in an all new show according to BBC which will probably involve a lot of tragic clowns and if we are really lucky maybe a unicorn.

Celine lived in Vegas and basically made a circus act do a lot of wierd shit for a few years and everyone loved it. LOVED it. No seriously it was sold out like always. There is no telling what middle-aged vaginas will do for a little audible caress from Celine Dion. She also released a tour DVD that showed the world just how magical, wonderful and heavenly Celine really is.

Celine is also in a theatrical documentary out this year. It’s kayaklicious.