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We all know Denise Richards hate the powers that be for royally fucking up her face, but shocking new news reveals she also hates old people, and I think it's safe to assume she hates mediocre plastic surgeons too.

Richards flung a Paparazzo's laptop over a balcony in Canada on Wednesday, which was enough to "Slightly bruise" an 80 year old woman who was hit by the laptop. Richards is unlikely to have thought that balconies actually have things underneath them, instead opting for the theory that balconies overlook black holes. After the event, the 80 year old who can only be identified as Madonna spoke of the slight bruising as an "inconvenience" and commented on how fucked up Denise Richards' nose is right now, saying "That nose is mighty fucked up is it not?".

Where Denise Richard's might ask why her face is so disgusting to me, I might ask Denise Richards why she feels the need to repulse me with her face and kill Madonna.
I'm just saying!  When I was 13 I used to have a boner for this bitch, then I discovered the optician.

Whilst some celebrities might like to indulge in calling people cunts, other celebrities like to tell the world that our infatuation with celebrities is disgusting and we should be focussing on issues that we look to celebrities to forget.

Justin Timberlake was spotted over the weekend at the Mondrian Hotel in West Hollywood. While picking up his black BMW from the valet, a photog asked the pop star, "Do you have anything to say about the recent divorce of Britney and Kevin?"

 Justin shot back "Yeah, there's a war going on in Iraq."

Really!? A war in Iraq?! When did THIS happen?! Was it between the time where L.Lo got her fifth tit job and her sixth one!? It must have been, As I remember accidentally changing the channel from E! one day to CNN, It was a dark few seconds and there was definitely something about guns and Iraq. Justin must be extremely confused to think that a tiny Iraqi war is more important that this kind of thing. Really.

I really love how Justin Timberlake thinks hes some sort of profound intellect these days, it cracks me up more than Fergie singing that line about how she's not easy or sleazy. It's just not true, Fergie, It's just not!

P.S - The image of Countess Vaughn with her legs up in the air has nothing to do with this story. I just really find it quite amusing.

I don't know. Did they die? I'm pretty sure they released an album sometime in the past few years, although these new pictures of Britney Spears are making it extremely hard for me to remember.

Extremely hard.

Tara Reid. She gives three for the price of two blowjobs on Sundays, she will fight women to the death for a $2 tank top and she uses empty bags of cheetos to collect any surgery related seepage. All in all she's definitely a classy kind of girl who you certainly wouldn't worry about catching any nasty venereals from. And whilst we are all used to her being so classy and elegant, I must say that this new image of Tara is particularly outstanding.

I can't even spot one pubic hair or semen stain. Bravo, Miss Reid.
Maybe next week she'll actually think about taking out that tampon she lost in her crusty cooch on her 13th Birthday. But let's not get ahead of ourselves yet, baby steps, Tara, baby steps...

In the biggest development in the history of mankind since Hiroshima, Britney Spears has reportedly filed for a divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. Across America, a collective cheer of celebration could be heard as teenagers and adults alike finally burned "Back to Basics" and spat upon posters of Kelly Clarkson in celebration of Spears' freedom from slavery from Ugg.

TMZ.com has the papers which cite irreconcilable differences. I'm guessing that difference might be that Britney Spears knows how to actually work for her money, whilst Kevin Federline is not quite so keen on that front. Another difference might be that Spears likes Herbal Bath Salts in her bath whilst Federline likes 'Beer, Bitchez n shit' in his bath.

Spears wants custody of both children, and yesterday,the day of separation, was the same day she unveiled her new look on Letterman.  Spears apparently has an iron clad prenuptial agreement with Federline, but Britney is waiving her right to spousal support from Federline. Which is not surprising considering Federlines spousal support is likely to amount to pocket change for Britney Spears to give to homeless people on the street. Spears is said to be interested in retaining all ding-dongs, whilst Federline will get all Cheetos and copies of his first album.

Coincidentally, Federline was recently pleading for the public to see him as something other that Britney Spears' Lazy Assed Husband. Which is funny because now we will see him as That Douchebag who was married to Britney Spears when she was younger.

Thanks to Britney for finally ending this annoyance, heres for hoping she's as happy as we are about it.

Whilst Faith Hill might very well understand the art of being a sexy older lady who i'd like to place my penis inside of, she clearly does not have the same grasp  of the concept behind music awards. See, Faith, when you actually make a good record that people buy then you actually stand a chance of winning a country music award, much like this years winner Carrie Underwood. However, if your being lazy and still cashing in on that mediocre record you made last year then you are possibly not in the best position for expecting an award.

Therefore it is my sincere duty to award you with the Stupid Spoiled Bitch Award 2006 for being a stupid spoiled bitch. Perhaps in future, instead of throwing a hissy fit at the moment where your younger rival wins the award you wanted, you should actually save your energy for making a good record.

It's been a long time coming but Britney Spears chose David Letterman and a surprise one minute apperance to unviel her killer new body and style after the birth of her second child.

Bitch ain't toxic no more!

So I was on myspace for the first time in a while and I was hit with an internal conflict I didn't expect after masturbating...

I get the feeling that Jesus wont take kindly to me hitting on him and complimenting his boobs in those pictures he took when he was drunk.
The Church really need to look into a better alternative for spreading the word, like flinging bibles tied to bricks at ethnic minorities.

Really.

Just to remind you all, there is a reason that columns like this exist. Not because we are all sinfully horrible people with boring lives, which is also true, but because celebrity and fame is all more or less a big lie.

The way we all attack the "fugly" of the famous is interesting because the majority of the famous have had extensive cosmetic work done and have spent hours on their appearance on a daily basis, there is also an extremely high standard of even basic beauty in Hollywood, but at the end of the day, what happens is beautiful people are made utterly perfect thanks to the wonders of the lie. Lighting, Makeup, Camera processes and digital manipulation all enhance the apperance of the famous. Dove has a slightly hypocritical, slightly wimpish campaign which sees itself as a bold innovator in promoting a realistic body image for women, it's still a step in the right direction, to see just how much every image you see in a magazine is enhanced, check out this video.

Well I'm pretty sure I am

Why is it that there are so many good songs coming out at the same time after a wave of just utter waste? This is a positive trend people.

I guess this shouldn't be surprising considering Reese Witherspoon makes like 20 times a movie what Ryan Phillipe will ever make. I have a fair deal of money on the idea that Ryan did not think the dumb blonde from Cruel Intentions would become Hollywood's top paid actress any time soon. Also, I have a fair deal of money on the idea that Reese Witherspoon knew deep inside Ryan Phillipe was secretly screwing Jake G. Which may or may not be true, But then again what on this website actually IS true? Heres what: Jennifer Garner is fucking great!!!

One relationship tip: When your husband is a prenentious idiot who spends more time pouting than you do then subtract 18-30 years of marriage away from your life plans. Putting cigarettes out on your arm should lop another five years off too.

I guess not everyone is fussed about becoming an object of sexual desire on their 12th Birthday. Meanwhile, 22% Of Americans went to boarding school and are used to being beaten by opressive nuns, and 72% of Americans have a healthy sex drive and a worrying oedipal complex.