Why do celebrities and people in positions of power never think this shit through? It’s like “Oh give me a camera and i’ll say a lot of racist shit then dress up like a pony slut and get ass raped by a tranny wearing a nappy….that’ll NEVER hit the internet!” These bitches need to learn that going down on someone is a private moment. I don’t want to see Chyna’s penis sized lady-area and i most certainly don’t want to hear Prince Ginga Harry calling people “ragheads” and “pakis”

Y’all need to step away from the cameras. I understand that as celebrities that makes you about four times less intelligent than the rest of us, so I mean i can expect stuff like this from Paris Hilton but Prince Harry? Oh wait, that’s the same guy who get’s wasted all the time and squeezes girls tits and stuff? Never mind.

Sick kids need rest, tender loving care and complete serenity, so of course Spencer Pratt and Saint Heidi Montag decided to bring a dozen photographers to use them for publicity.

Actually, Spencer and Heidi probably wouldn’t even have posed with the sick kids but Ryan Seacrest was doing a special broadcast of his shitty radio show from the hospital. Spencer probably cried with joy when they got home, because this was the PERFECT STORM of publicity in his mind.

If i was a kid in hospital I can think of only a select few things that would cheer me up more than posing for dozens of pictures with two z-list celebrities icons of a generation. And when i say “only a select few things” i of course mean “a list so long that it would deforest Brazil in one fell swoop”.

Someone needs to stop assaulting these poor children! Paris Hilton! Nicole Richie! Speidi! Whats next? Bai Ling dry humping their heart monitors or posing seductively with a catheter?

When I get up in the mornings now I have to rush on the internet and blog rake to see if there's any new raw candid moments of Heidi Montag's life documented for us all to see against her will. Of course im always disappointed, but heres a load of photos of Heidi celebrating her birthday for the two paid photographers she keeps harrassing. 

 

This fart turns 22 today. 22?! Seriously!? That bitch has had cosmetic work done your supposed to leave until your 48! Spencer probably bought her a labia tuck for her special gift. She wept, he wept, then her vagina started laxly exhaling again causing a rift of queefs which underlined the practicality of the gift.

I can't wait for her to cover this smash hit with her own unique style.

Of course, Heidi's video would cheaper.

Pictures Courtesy of Just-Jared.com

 

Yes! Christmas has come early! Lindsay Lohan is already a world famous writer for her deep and intellectual musings on the whirlwind celebrity culture we live in. However, Lindsay has been quiet as of late because she is busy munching out Samantha Ronson's muff. I am dissapointed in her lack of multitasking abilities, you don't need your fingers to munch rug!

Anyway, Lindsay Lohan has wiped Samantha's fishy scent from her hands, cracked her knuckles and got down to work doing what she does best – bitching and whining via her blog, of course!!!! Anyone can blog!!! Thats why this website is still here!!!!!!

To read the full blog, click below.

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Karrine Steffans would be a hotter ho if her every hole wasn't crusty with old jizz. But her mouth is all cracked from the dried jizz. She wants the vaseline but her body rejects it because it isn't semen! The Steffan's openings only crave semen! Anyway Karrine has decided to fight back to ex Eddie Winslow by making a youtube telling his bottom ass that he forgot to take his anal toys with him when he left!

Uh call me crazy but fighting back at my exes doesn't involve me admitting to being nasty enough to do the brown circle pie. Karrine doesn't give a monkey's titty. She just wants fame and fortune and will fondle anal beads to get there!

Ugly Betty has been known to not enjoy Gossip Girl and I had assumed that was because Gossip Girl is a steaming pile of dog shit, however it turns out America Ferrara doesn't like Gossip Girl because it encourages bitchiness in society. Maybe she should get together with her wannabe Jordin Sparks and they can both gush over muffins about how everything is burning and we are going to rot in hell!

She told Seventeen Magazine

"Like, if you're watching The Hills or 90210, all the backstabbing shapes the way we act," the Seventeen cover girl says in the magazine's October issue. I mean, I love Blake (Lively); she's a wonderful friend of mine, but shows like Gossip Girl kind of condition us to be mean."

I say hell yes to shows that make dull stupid people shaped by tv into dull, stupid bitches. But i say hell no to Gossip Girl which is always going to be about as entertaining as frying your testies with eggs whilst profusely bleeding out of their vacant hole left in your beautiful nutsack. Mmm delicious eggs and testies. A

Jessica Alba has opened her miserable BJ mouth to tell the world that child birth is really not so bad, in fact it is like meditation.

Jessica Alba obviously didn't give birth right because I saw that birthing video shit in sex ed and I know for a fact that a torn vagina does not a meditation experience make. 

She said: "I didn't scream. It was really Zen. The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused. I ate a lot of soul food before she was born."

Yeah and we all know that soul food = regular food with 18 capsules of valium and a goblet of morphine ground in. Her vagina probably just opened up after all that shit like a venus flytrap spitting out its food.

Actually forget that, it's Jessica Alba, her vagina has worked the rounds. That baby just crawled out.

You know Madonna and Gwnney Paltrow get together to lez off and talk about how they can save the world? Or how Bono and Bob Geldoff do exactly the same thing? Well those are examples of annoying people coming together to at least try and do good for their own grattification.

 

Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale, however, probably have conversations more like this.

Ashley Tisdale and her Fug Nose: Omg i saw your photos on the internet again. How does that keep happening?
Miley Cyrus and her Fug Teefs: I DONT KNOW! (In a Monica Gellar impression. Die, bitch!) I just know that it's really, like, annoying, now the whole world knows my big secret that I was dating Nick Jonas. It's so embarrasing. i just want my privacy, you know?
Ashley Tisdale: I totally know, it's so difficult, especially with my giant ugly nose and all. I'm so ashamed of it!
Miley: Your nose is cute. You should just rock it. Or get more work done.
Ashley: I was thinking tha…oh my god look at that dress, isn't it cute. It's like, totally my colour too!
Miley: Oh my god i love it. And those shoes are so, like, AWESOME.
Ashley: Let's buy them!

Later that evening.

Ashley: I'm bored.
Miley: Do you want to go shopping?
Ashley: No, i've already spent like twenty grand today! Maybe again tomorrow. I need to scratch my snatch.
Miley: I have an idea. LETS MAKE A YOUTUBE VIDEO. Everyone loves us and you know people on youtube would love to see us on a video together, how awesome would that be? Like, really awesome!
Ashley: Can you light it so people don't see my nose so bad?
Miley: I have professional lighting in my youtube video room! Don't worry girl!
Ashley: What would we do?
Miley: LOL!!!! You don't have to do anything on a youtube video. Just talk a lot about yourself. It's awesome!
Ashley: Yay!

Later that week.

Ashley (On Phone): Miley, i've been reading some of those youtube video comments. People notice my nose! They are being really horrible about it!
Miley (On Phone, using other hand to awkwardly hold a camera above her head and pout intermittently at it, before checking the LCD to see if it needs deleted and reshot) : Uh…oh….like,  what did they say?
Ashley: Well here's one.. "That bitch has one fucked up nose! It looks like shes shoved eight spades and two carrots in there! FUG!" , like can you see how that hurts my feelings?
Miley: Uhm, yeah. That's a shame.
Ashley: Heres another. "She is so fucking ugly i had to turn to vomit, then I looked back at the screen and i threw up again. It was like two girls one cup, except two girls one fucking ugly nosejob!"
Miley: Like, woah, that is like, totally un-necesary.
Ashley (whinging): This one is like the meanest of all though.  "Her nose is the visual representation of satan and offends my eyes more than anything i've seen thus far in my life. Also, that Miley slut has fucked up toofs!"
Miley: Hold. On. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT. THE . FUCK. Like, how DARE they? Who do these NERDS think they are. DAAAD. DAAAAAAAAAAAD COME UP HERE. CALL THE LAWYERS.

Heidi Montag is set to record her own Christian album. She's not just the new Madonna , but she's also the new Jesus! Christian prayers have been answered all over the world. I can't wait 'til they start jamming this shit during communion.

She revealed the comparisons she has with Jesus to USA Today.

"…There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn't matter to me."

… Montag identifies herself as "kind of non-denominational Baptist" and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. Montag even planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa.

"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God," says Montag, who grew up in Colorado with Holly, brother Sky, 15, and her since-divorced parents, Bill, a rancher, and Darlene, who runs a restaurant with Montag's stepfather.

This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to "feed children and help build things." Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills [...] Montag likes to think she and the Jonas Brothers are part of a new wave of positive role models. "As a parent, I would not want my daughter looking up to someone throwing money away, on drugs or coming out of rehab," she says.

While we here at LA Deli think its admirable St Heidi & Spencer Douche-Pratt are going to help starving Africans, we just don't think the Africans should be used for personal gain. They've been through enough. Why can't they just do what they normally do? Have a picnic in the middle of Times Square.

[Image: USA Today]

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Justin Timberlake has admitted he has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder) and DFS (Dick Face Syndrome).

He told Collider.com

“I have OCD mixed with ADD. You try living with that. It’s complicated.”

I'm sure the hundreds of millions of dollars cushion the fucking blow. He is like a lemur. Like a dildo lemur. I don't know what crack i've been smoking today but i know that calling Justin Timberlake The Dildo Lemur is like 98% better than any other name I can come up for him. Maybe thats why Madonna felt the need to dry hump him like he was going out of fashion. Because hes a dildo, and an endangered animal!

The saddest thing is i can almost smell the douche and want to do sexytimes with it all over.