Scandal
The Pube and The Pony split
May 30th
Speidi, also known as the most beautiful, natural and raw celebrity couple the world has ever seen, have called it quits after Heidi was worried Spencer’s pube beard would give her a rash on her new ultra-sensitive chin.
Heidi dumped that pube-sock asshole because, wait for it, she was tired of him controlling her life and she wants to focus on her ‘acting career’. It’s funny this all comes at the final season of the Hills, some would say this unholy partnership was all one big publicity stunt; but not me – i know that you can’t deny a love like that.
Some are also saying that Heidi’s divorce from Spencer is ALSO a big PR stunt to highlight her forthcoming reality show with her friend. I am saying this: Saint Heidi of Beverley has been EMANCIPATED today, we should all be joyously celebrating with our loved ones in large street-party events. Or we should all just pluck a pube to pay homage to what Heidi just did.
Perez’s injuries are severe
Jun 22nd
After viewing Chris Crocker Perez Hilton’s testimonial about the “Will.i.Am punched me, twitter friends to the rescue” drama, his injuries are severe.
As you can see there a huge gigantic major big sizeable minor cut just under his right eye. Naturally this is enough to make any queen cry uncontrollably for a few hours before finding the courage to yell at the computer screen for 11 minutes, digging a deeper hole compared to the one he was in prior to the testimonial.
Perez you said that Will.I.Am punched you on twitter, now you are saying it was the manager, you are the fucking liar here. Leave Fergie alone and none of this would have happened to you. Yes violence is wrong, but I enjoy a good downfall. Seriously if you find the time, view the testimonial, quite possibly more laughs in here than a summer comedy.
It has many gems, including “VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWEERRR”, ”I will let people have their (air quote) MOMENT (/air quote)”, “I like writing about other peoples DRAMA, i dont want DRAMA in my OWN LIFE!!!”
I guess what’s so ridiculous about the whole thing is that Perez Hilton is the hugest bitch in all the land and is so outraged about being smacked in the face when the stuff he says and does is far more hurtful than a slap on the face. He is just a ridiculous disgrace.
Evan Rachel Wood knocks back Mickey Rourke.
Jan 30th
YOUR SHOULDERS FEEL LIKE CLOUDS AND STAHDUST.
To commonfolks, being “knocked back” when flirting can be one of the most embarrasing social situations one can find themselves in. Men will go to great lengths to disguise the failure of flawless pick-up techniques like spilling beer all over women to tell them “Your eyes look like a FOUSAND STAWRS!” and then maybe being a little bit sick in the mouth. Many women will fall for this, because they love flattery, but the select few with actual working brains will not.
Whilst this can be embarrasing for people like us, celebrites see the knock-back as the most damaging thing that can physically happen to a person. You see to a celebrity this suggests that they are not god, and do not have automatic control and desire from every person alive. Obviously this is hurtful since celebrities believe that when they fart the wind changes direction.
Mickey Rourke wont be thrilled to hear Evan Rachel Wood saying “IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOUR PENIS HAPPEN, MICKEY!” in Rolling Stone magazine, then.
“”I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions. I’m not attracted to him, he’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will.”
In Mickey Rourke’s mind he’s still a 31 year old banging Kim Basinger in sub-par erotic thrillers. In Evan Rachel Wood’s mind, he’s not the beautiful visage that Marilyn Manson is.
Mickey needs to try to tap that wood with some other starlet. Evan Rachel Wood is a SEEEEEEREEUUUUS ACTRESSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Heres a hitlist for Mickey’s relevant penis to try and smack who would definitely let it happen.
1. Lindsay Lohan
Why not? Sure she’s rug munching these days but she sure does love a tasty pole.
2. Paris Hilton
This is a double win, since Paris Hilton is talented an actress as she is a singer.
3. Haylie Duff
Haylie, like Mickey, is no stranger to being very, very ugly. This said she has an acceptably attractive body, probably down to that small cocaine habit. ALLEGEDLY!
4. Bai Ling
Bai Ling will pretty much fuck anything if you tell her it’s a unicorn angel from the 9th heaven and give her some free batteries.
5. Joss Stone
She fucks for tracks, so she can fuck for fame, right?
Mickey needs to move his ass because he’s only going to be relevant until he loses at the Oscars then hes dunzo. Get the fishy snatch as quick as you can Mickey.
A Pink Scientologist?
Sep 12th
According to the world's most unrealiable gossip magazine, Star, superstar P!nk has turned to Scientology in order to cope with her split from her husband Carey Hart. So is that how Xenu got Carey to be in that So What music video?
The pair's two-year marriage ended earlier this year (08), and friends reveal the singer has sought comfort from pal Juliette Lewis, who is introducing her to the controversial religion, popular with superstars like Beck, Lisa Marie Presley, Tom Cruise and John Travolta. A source tells Star magazine, "Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved.
Apparently being friends with Juliette Lewis has no redeeming value. While we think this article is full of shit, the reaction by her fans on P!nk's own message board has made the story worth it.
Pink fan "1'n'onlyMrPINK!" wrote
Just cause Tom Cruise is wierd doesnt mean anything.. just cause theres one bad apple doesnt mean they all are. Thats pretty close minded and putting people in a box. Thats like saying all gay guys are fem, or all drinkers are violent.
"» Dani" wrote
Really. I like her music and her personality and if she's muslim, catholic or buddhist or whatever it really wouldn't matter, as long as it's her choice I think any religion is ok. But I'm against people being born into one and forced to believe in something.
As a reminder please don't believe everything you read.
Image: Reuteurs
Darling, don’t forget your anal beads!
Sep 11th
Karrine Steffans would be a hotter ho if her every hole wasn't crusty with old jizz. But her mouth is all cracked from the dried jizz. She wants the vaseline but her body rejects it because it isn't semen! The Steffan's openings only crave semen! Anyway Karrine has decided to fight back to ex Eddie Winslow by making a youtube telling his bottom ass that he forgot to take his anal toys with him when he left!
Uh call me crazy but fighting back at my exes doesn't involve me admitting to being nasty enough to do the brown circle pie. Karrine doesn't give a monkey's titty. She just wants fame and fortune and will fondle anal beads to get there!
Miley Cyrus overtakes Britney as top Pedo Icon.
Apr 28th
Miley Cyrus is 15. This is her Vanity Fair cover.
Now I remember back to when I was 15, the girls were sluts then too. Short skirts, boob squishing bras and blouses that showed them off. English Lit was basically a brothel. Some things never change, like child prostitution!
Everyone knows that Miley Cyrus is on the fast track to becoming the next Lindsay Lohan. Miley loves the attention and she actually says stupid-retarded things about how everyone loves her all the time. I don't love you Miley!
Miley's camp are trying to pin the blame for it all on Vanity Fair, as are Disney, who are no doubt pissed off with Miley and will have her vagina sealed for this. Vanity Fair are saying that Miley was totally hyped about the picture and loved it until the backlash.
Meanwhile, the Paedophile Corporations' stock rocketed 284% at yesterday's close on the Dow Jones.A spokesman for the Paedophile Corp said "Miley's Vanity Fair pictures have been very good for business. Not since the days of Britney Spears in a catholic schoolgirl outfit have we seen such a huge jump in our assets."
The recovery comes at a desperate time for the corporation, who had seen signifcant losses recently as Lindsay Lohan, Emma Watson and Hilary Duff all passed puberty.
This shit isn't right and Annie Leibovitz and her lesbo ass shouldn't get away blame free for ending the Hannah Montana brand! She's just bein Miley! And bein Miley means being a child prostitute!
Crack Tears
Apr 25th
Amy Winehouse was sent to the police station today after she basically beat the shit out of two guys in a pub. One because he was playing pool and Wino decided she was ready to play and his ass better step aside, the other because he was hailing a cab for her and Wino decided he was trying to molest her sexy body and hit him. She is such an elegant lady. I remember at my etiquette training, that is exactly what they told us to do too. If you want something from life, beat a bitch down! Okay maybe it wasn't so much etiquette training as crack-dealer training, i can't remember really, i was high throughout.
Heres Wino out last night partying her ass off. She is a funny crack clown. Just like the one at my 4th Birthday party who showed me his hoohaa.
Would you wank off a pig?
Apr 5th
Rebecca Loos, also known as the bird David Beckham cheated with, upping her already high class quota of wanking off a pig on British TV's reality flop The Farm.
David Beckham. A pig. A natural progression which totally makes sense. And no the pig ISN'T Mariah Carey. Rude!
Britney the new Milli Vanilli?
Mar 24th
According to Henry Rollins, Britney Spears isn't quite singing all of her own songs.
Rollins was talking about how it always is a good idea to befriend the sound engineers at any music studio, because they're the ones with the best stories.
"They have the black chick come in and sing, and Britney sings over it, and they mix them together. She gets her phrasing basically from this older R&B woman. I found that out talking to an engineer. Britney apparently isn't actually the worst singer, she just has no feel. So they bring in this older black woman who sings the song, then Britney sings to it, and they kind of make a mix of the two voices, and that's what you hear on the records."
This might explain
A) Why Britney didn't leave JIVE records after her contract expired and she could've signed a very big deal with another label
B) This blind item which has been floating around for a while.
C) Why her voice has changed from croaky screaming to basically sighs and groans ever since her first album. Maybe they are phasing the black chick out?
But doesn't explain why
A) The bitch still sounds like a prostitute frog on cat-nip throughout all of her songs.
B) Why she clearly sings some of her shit live (and we are talking super rarely here) and it sounds like her.
C) I still will buy her stupid ass CDs. Dumb ho.
Heres some crazy ass Britney fan's youtube video of her "live" wailings. YOU decide wether the voice you hear is the same voice that you hear on her cds. I really don't give a rats ass and I'm so confused right now. I'm just going to pop open this bottle of wine now.
Bai Ling arrested for stealing tabloids, batteries.
Feb 14th
Bai Ling can't even do public celebrity arrest normal! Whilst Paris and Lilo know the score and do crack off of hookers then drive their cars into pedestrians, Bai just doesn't have the composure and decides to steal tabloids in which she probably found a collective 4 sentences about her in, and not positive sentences either.
TMZ.COM reports: Law enforcement sources tell us Ling walked into the gift shop around 4:30 PM yesterday — and walked out with the goods; total value around $16. She was placed under citizen's arrest by a shop employee. We're told that a "cooperative but crying" Ling was taken by Airport Police to the station, where she was booked for theft.
A court date has been set for March 5.
Bai should have tried the "Don't you know who I am?" line to which the employee would have replied, "No, Bitch!" and smacked her down with a right hook to the eye. How dare they arrest Bai Bai? Don't they know she is a gift sent to us by aliens from outer space? Bai is going to take advantage of this to try and get herself a page 34 in People.
She still had time to share this amazing insight with us from her blog though
"Delayed the flight, wondring [sic] again in the airport like a ghost, why can't I just be the sun smile? My heart is a little sad now, casted by the melody of life …"
Bai Ling is truly a library of profound thoughts on life. Her heart is a little sad now! It kills me! I love her so much. I want her to be my pet. I'd care for her.
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