Push is a movie with Dakota Fanning in it, which usually means it’s going to be good. Push is also a movie with Chris Evans and Camilla Belle in it, and as attractive a team they may be, it’s probably not the best signifier of movie quality considering their combined filmography reads something like this.

- When a Stranger Calls
- Fantastic Four
- Not Another Teen Movie
- 10,000 Bc
- The Nanny Diaries (Which we can probably offload as Scarlett Johansson’s fault purely because i hate her.)
-  Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The moral here is whilst you might want to stick your penis inside of someone, that does not necessarily mean good things for the quality  of a movie. By that same token people who you legally cannot put your penis anywhere near unless you’ve always wanted to have a chat with Chris Hansen can sometimes mean very good things for the quality of a movie. Push is a wildcard in between this disturbing analogy. 

So in this wildcard situation we look to the marketing materials to judge the film by. On one hand we have this trailer.

So essentially this movie is Heroes come Hot Tranny Movie Mess. I’m there, right? Well, if the next two posters are anything to go by then Push is actually a movie about Chris Evans‘ power to detatch his head from his body, which is significantly less interesting to me than the hot tranny mess trailer i just watched.

The idea in the red poster of there being some kind of Toucan-hybrid bird trying to get it’s ass into the left side of the poster is pretty hot. If theres a Toucan tranny in this im there. But again, in the other poster I can’t stress enough how much seeing Chris Evans decapitated by a swishy light effect is not interesting to me as a movie concept. If we can re-cast him with Paris Hilton then we might have a movie there. That said, decaptitating Paris Hilton didn’t work out so great for House Of Wax. Thankfully for us we have Youtube which means we can get all of the satisfaction of watching Paris Hilton have her ass handed to her without having to sit through an hour and a half of House of Wax.

Of course this wasn’t a true decaptiation, she died the only way she knows how, on all fours sliding down some wood.

Beyonce looking Fabulous

Of course the above isn’t Beyonce, it’s Tyler Perry in his new sure to be disaster MADEA GOES TO JAIL.  Beyonce wishes she was that fabulous. Beyonce should really look into the wig as worn above, because her raggedy ass wig glue might as well go to good use.  She’s only a few steps from tranny as is.

Anyway, Beyonce Perry is here to tell you about a new feature for LA Deli in 09
 

Yes that’s right, you spoke and we largely ignored you for quite a long time, but we’ve finally caved to your demanding asses and decided to bring a regular movie feature in which we look at all that’s wrong with the film industry each and every week, because everyone in Hollywood is too busy smoking crack from the marginal profits of the industry to look this way!

To demonstrate the potential of this new feature we welcome Renee Zellweger and her Sour Lemon face.  

ZE LEMONS ARE IN ZE MOUTH!

 You know I try to hate her but i can’t. I can’t! My mind loves her and her little sucky sucky face. But it is definitely something that is wrong with the film industry. This is from her new movie called “New In Town” in which Renee basically rips off what Reese Witherspoon already did. I’m not kidding, the concept is almost word identical to “Sweet Home Alabama” except it’s in Minnesota instead. The true joke is on me because I am compelled to see this hot mess and pretend i’m good friends with Renee in it. Not lovers though, i don’t sleep with people who look like unfortunate victims of Samara Morgan. 

Fergie must be thanking her lucky stars lately as she has just scored a role in the big screen adaptation of Broadway musical, Nine. She will be playing a prostitute, of course, and will be singing next to such great talent, such as, Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench and Kate Hudson. Lucky bitch. 

And if that wasn't enough…

Our favourite urinater has also been out and about hoeing herself as usual again. Handbags wasn't enough, so has entered the shoe business where she hopes more meth sluts can take another page out of her book. From what I we can see, the shoes don't seem to be 100% waterproof.

Image: Wire Image

The stars must be deaf and blind at the moment. A clip from Paris Hilton's new movie (which is apparently some kind of horror/musical) has leaked. 

Wow, I will not be seeing that thanks. Something tells me I need some GHB and a line of coke off her snatch to sit through this. 

I love the box office. I love hearing about what trash the world is seeing. Of course everyone has been moist about. THE DARK KNIGHT because i suspect Christian Bales sexiness is just worth it. Opening day estimates have rolled in and someone at Warner Bros spontaneously jizzed because that shit made $66,400,000 on Friday alone, which breaks SPIDER-MAN 3's record.

Elsewhere, Meryl Streep and Karen from Mean Girls have been attracting the lone vagina wolfs and MAMMA MIA! had a very good $9.63m on Friday. This comes after the movie did great business in Europe over the past week.

SPACE CHIMPS is a piece of rat shit and it bombed with a crappylicious $2.4m on Friday, no one gives a shit and Stanley Tucci has shit to answer for. Here are some pictures from both movies.

See the Full chart

Here's a short list of interesting news:

Celebrity

• Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman both gave birth. While Naomi Watts is pregnant with her second.
• Ed Westwick wants to design his own fashion line because that isn't gay at all.
• Ashley Tisdale told MTV that she channeled Gwen Stefani and Fergie in her role in High School Musical 3. So we are expecting Ashley to urinate in a couture dress. Consider my ticket sold.
• Audrina Patridge has moved out of Lauren Conrad's house, this is probably one of the main story arcs for both in the new season of The Hills because I doubt this is really news to most people.

TV:

• Tori Spelling's new show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, recorded the highest ratings for the Oxygen Network in the 18-49 age group.
• Rumours are circulating that Katherine Heigl's Izzie will be killed off this season on Grey's Anatomy. I can't imagine why? If I were the writers I would make her have a sexual relationship with a Perez Hilton look-a-like until the end of her contract, because at the moment they are basically giving her what she wants. They should just make her suffer.

Box Office:

• The Dark Knight is set to break box office records next week, when it officially opens in Australia & North America this week. UK on the 25th of July.
• Mamma Mia! is expected to be a huge hit. With strong box office takings in UK, Sweden, Australia and some smaller countries. It opens in the US on the 18th. Also I strongly recommend this even though it will give you a tick in the gay column.

Music:

• Rehab is the next single from Rihanna that will be released in the UK in August. This takes the number of singles from Good Girl Gone Bad to 7. Despite already charting, Disturbia will not be officially released in the UK at present.
• Dido & Pink both have albums that are nearly completed. Dido's album is set to be released in late September, with P!nk's new album to follow in October. We expect plenty of angst from both artists.
• Ali Lohan says her music is more hip-hop than Miley Cyrus. We don't have much more to say about that piece of information.

And we leave you with Miley Cyrus' very own wet T-Shirt competition. We expect Pedeos everywhere to delete some hard drive space to make room for these new photos.

Abba are like Kings and Queens of the gay universe, and the universe of parents. Thats why my parents and all of the bitches and homos I know are itching their snatches at the prospect of Mamma Mia! which is the Sex and the City for those over the age of 80. Anyway, Abba got back together for the first time in 22 years at the Stockholm premiere for Mamma Mia!

I've decided not to show my mum this picture because I'm pretty sure she'd pass out and throw up with excitement at the same time. That is not a situation i'm okay to deal with. I'd probably leave her ass on the floor for a couple of hours and then forget it ever happened until I come back and smell tuna later that month. Nasty. I love mums. Knitting and Abba for all.

You know, fuck Oprah. I have favourite things too, and over the past few weeks there has been some good shit. (more…)

Someone in heaven answered my prayers because Hilary Duff hasn't made a movie since 'Material Girls' and for that I am wholy thankful. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and someone in Hollywood ruined the fun for everyone by casting Hilary Duff in the movie War Inc. I'm sure they originally titled it Pony Inc, but Hilary's people took offense or some shit. That is true though. It's going to be the best movie ever because theres a scene where a Scorpion bites Hilary on the snitch. Harry Potter would approve. He's at that age.

Give her a sugarcube and move her along. The film set is no place for a pony these days! Animal cruelty regulations people!

Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko) is about to release his second film Southland Tales, starring The Rock, Buffy, Stifler, JT and the adorable Bai Ling. Seriously.

The trailer in its LQ Youtube glory:

WTF?! Bai Ling. Aliens. Porn Stars. Apocalypse. I'm so there.