Movies
Eclipse leaves a lot of seats moist this weekend.
Jul 4th
We all knew that Eclipse would have girls, women and gays who should no better jumping up and down sprinkling glitter out of their assholes like perverted pinatas, but Twihards proved that no one in the world is more dedicated to the cause of mass fuckery this weekend.
Eclipse has made $261 million worldwide for the long weekend, and a good shot at beating Spider-Man 2 to have the largest ID4 six day weekend ever. NuttyMadam on youtube brings the world her high class journalistic approach to the motion picture event.
After you get over wiping yourself down from all the coughing NuttyMadam just did all over you, you need to get yourself tested, because TWIHARDS are the new, scarier version of Zombies. Zombies move sluggishly and are only out to eat our brains; wheras Twihards move very fast and erratically and are out to scream until our heads explode, or rant about Edward Cullen until we explode our heads ourselves with any available weapon.
There is a real danger here, but perhaps not as much of a danger as The Last Airbender which pretty much overperformed significantly and is on track to make $70m over the extended weekend for a strong second place, which would be all fine and well except it’s a piece of shit so huge that everyone is kind of surprised that M Night Shyamalan could make a worse movie than The Happening.
Heres some quotes from IMDB users about the movie.
“So where did this movie go wrong? The better question would be: where didn’t it go wrong?”
“A movie so indescribably horrible I can only shake my head in bewilderment.”
“My daughter stated (not even asked) “Let’s Leave” during the movie”
“I have never walked out of a movie so disappointed and angry”
“Worst movie of the decade”
So yeah, i guess the morale of this story is dont go see that shit; infact the big story coming out of it’s release is that it’s so shitty and horrendous that people are angry that they’ve actually attended a cinema to go see it.
Michael Bay says BOOM to Megan Fox.
May 20th
Lets face it, Megan Fox is the luckiest skank in the game. She can’t act for shit and she must have given more than just a dozen or twenty handjobs to get her role in Transformers. But after she’s been caught bitching about Michael Bay and after crew members released an open-letter calling her a nightmarish whore, it’s no surprise that Megan Fox has been DROPPED from the third movie.
Megan is the best kind of dumb whore, she’s the dumb whore who think’s shes not a dumb whore, and so she gets all uppity and righteous. No word on who’s going to be playing “Pornstar Girlfriend Whoreface” in the new Transformers movie, but I’m going to go with “THE BOY SHE TURNED DOWN” in a cruel twist of further revenge from Michael Bay.
Let’s begin to watch Megans career trickle down to arthouse movies in which she plays a stripper/hooker/slut girlfriend and inevitably ends up on daytime tv movies playing an unfeasibly young and attractive mother who wears tight sweaters.
Sex and the City 2: A Pony in a Desert Storm
Apr 13th
Christ knows who thought that a good vacation destination for the Sex and the City girls would be Abu Fucking Dhabi. I guess Paris, Rome, Geneva, London, Oslo, Tokyo, Rio, etc etc etc were all to expensive or convenient for them? Don’t they know that audiences have developed an allergy to desert movies? Whatever. The story here is another poster is now out for this pony and shrivelled minge festival featuring Grand National winner Sarah Jessica Parker.
I guess we can all say it’s an improvement in that she doesn’t look quite as much like The Terminator in this one. But her eyes and face are smoother than a baby’s arse which we all know is quite a bit different from reality. Glad to see that she’s wearing practical desert footwear also. That sand looks firm.
Angies Sydney Bristow Movie
Apr 1st
Here’s another trailer for Devil Angie’s turn as Sydney Bristow in that new movie SALT. How is it that Angie has the career Jennifer Garner was supposed to have had? Oh well, I guess uhm, 13 Going on 30 was…fun. Six years ago.
Movie Suckage: Push’s Poster Airbrushing
Jan 29th
Push is a movie with Dakota Fanning in it, which usually means it’s going to be good. Push is also a movie with Chris Evans and Camilla Belle in it, and as attractive a team they may be, it’s probably not the best signifier of movie quality considering their combined filmography reads something like this.
- When a Stranger Calls
- Fantastic Four
- Not Another Teen Movie
- 10,000 Bc
- The Nanny Diaries (Which we can probably offload as Scarlett Johansson’s fault purely because i hate her.)
- Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The moral here is whilst you might want to stick your penis inside of someone, that does not necessarily mean good things for the quality of a movie. By that same token people who you legally cannot put your penis anywhere near unless you’ve always wanted to have a chat with Chris Hansen can sometimes mean very good things for the quality of a movie. Push is a wildcard in between this disturbing analogy.
So in this wildcard situation we look to the marketing materials to judge the film by. On one hand we have this trailer.
So essentially this movie is Heroes come Hot Tranny Movie Mess. I’m there, right? Well, if the next two posters are anything to go by then Push is actually a movie about Chris Evans‘ power to detatch his head from his body, which is significantly less interesting to me than the hot tranny mess trailer i just watched.
The idea in the red poster of there being some kind of Toucan-hybrid bird trying to get it’s ass into the left side of the poster is pretty hot. If theres a Toucan tranny in this im there. But again, in the other poster I can’t stress enough how much seeing Chris Evans decapitated by a swishy light effect is not interesting to me as a movie concept. If we can re-cast him with Paris Hilton then we might have a movie there. That said, decaptitating Paris Hilton didn’t work out so great for House Of Wax. Thankfully for us we have Youtube which means we can get all of the satisfaction of watching Paris Hilton have her ass handed to her without having to sit through an hour and a half of House of Wax.
Of course this wasn’t a true decaptiation, she died the only way she knows how, on all fours sliding down some wood.
Beyonce’s hottest role ever!
Jan 13th
Beyonce looking Fabulous
Of course the above isn’t Beyonce, it’s Tyler Perry in his new sure to be disaster MADEA GOES TO JAIL. Beyonce wishes she was that fabulous. Beyonce should really look into the wig as worn above, because her raggedy ass wig glue might as well go to good use. She’s only a few steps from tranny as is.
Anyway, Beyonce Perry is here to tell you about a new feature for LA Deli in 09
Yes that’s right, you spoke and we largely ignored you for quite a long time, but we’ve finally caved to your demanding asses and decided to bring a regular movie feature in which we look at all that’s wrong with the film industry each and every week, because everyone in Hollywood is too busy smoking crack from the marginal profits of the industry to look this way!
To demonstrate the potential of this new feature we welcome Renee Zellweger and her Sour Lemon face.
ZE LEMONS ARE IN ZE MOUTH!
You know I try to hate her but i can’t. I can’t! My mind loves her and her little sucky sucky face. But it is definitely something that is wrong with the film industry. This is from her new movie called “New In Town” in which Renee basically rips off what Reese Witherspoon already did. I’m not kidding, the concept is almost word identical to “Sweet Home Alabama” except it’s in Minnesota instead. The true joke is on me because I am compelled to see this hot mess and pretend i’m good friends with Renee in it. Not lovers though, i don’t sleep with people who look like unfortunate victims of Samara Morgan.
A lucky hoe
Jul 30th
Fergie must be thanking her lucky stars lately as she has just scored a role in the big screen adaptation of Broadway musical, Nine. She will be playing a prostitute, of course, and will be singing next to such great talent, such as, Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench and Kate Hudson. Lucky bitch.
And if that wasn't enough…
Our favourite urinater has also been out and about hoeing herself as usual again. Handbags wasn't enough, so has entered the shoe business where she hopes more meth sluts can take another page out of her book. From what I we can see, the shoes don't seem to be 100% waterproof.
Image: Wire Image
The Stars are blind (and now deaf)
Jul 28th
The stars must be deaf and blind at the moment. A clip from Paris Hilton's new movie (which is apparently some kind of horror/musical) has leaked.
Wow, I will not be seeing that thanks. Something tells me I need some GHB and a line of coke off her snatch to sit through this.
Christian Bale’s Nips are worth $66.4m
Jul 19th
I love the box office. I love hearing about what trash the world is seeing. Of course everyone has been moist about. THE DARK KNIGHT because i suspect Christian Bales sexiness is just worth it. Opening day estimates have rolled in and someone at Warner Bros spontaneously jizzed because that shit made $66,400,000 on Friday alone, which breaks SPIDER-MAN 3's record.
Elsewhere, Meryl Streep and Karen from Mean Girls have been attracting the lone vagina wolfs and MAMMA MIA! had a very good $9.63m on Friday. This comes after the movie did great business in Europe over the past week.
SPACE CHIMPS is a piece of rat shit and it bombed with a crappylicious $2.4m on Friday, no one gives a shit and Stanley Tucci has shit to answer for. Here are some pictures from both movies.
News of the Week
Jul 13th
Here's a short list of interesting news:
Celebrity
- Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman both gave birth. While Naomi Watts is pregnant with her second.
- Ed Westwick wants to design his own fashion line because that isn't gay at all.
- Ashley Tisdale told MTV that she channeled Gwen Stefani and Fergie in her role in High School Musical 3. So we are expecting Ashley to urinate in a couture dress. Consider my ticket sold.
- Audrina Patridge has moved out of Lauren Conrad's house, this is probably one of the main story arcs for both in the new season of The Hills because I doubt this is really news to most people.
TV:
- Tori Spelling's new show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, recorded the highest ratings for the Oxygen Network in the 18-49 age group.
- Rumours are circulating that Katherine Heigl's Izzie will be killed off this season on Grey's Anatomy. I can't imagine why? If I were the writers I would make her have a sexual relationship with a Perez Hilton look-a-like until the end of her contract, because at the moment they are basically giving her what she wants. They should just make her suffer.
Box Office:
- The Dark Knight is set to break box office records next week, when it officially opens in Australia & North America this week. UK on the 25th of July.
- Mamma Mia! is expected to be a huge hit. With strong box office takings in UK, Sweden, Australia and some smaller countries. It opens in the US on the 18th. Also I strongly recommend this even though it will give you a tick in the gay column.
Music:
- Rehab is the next single from Rihanna that will be released in the UK in August. This takes the number of singles from Good Girl Gone Bad to 7. Despite already charting, Disturbia will not be officially released in the UK at present.
- Dido & Pink both have albums that are nearly completed. Dido's album is set to be released in late September, with P!nk's new album to follow in October. We expect plenty of angst from both artists.
- Ali Lohan says her music is more hip-hop than Miley Cyrus. We don't have much more to say about that piece of information.
And we leave you with Miley Cyrus' very own wet T-Shirt competition. We expect Pedeos everywhere to delete some hard drive space to make room for these new photos.
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- My iPhone is old now. But my boobs aren’t.
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- Hi, I’m showering. And I’m 15.
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