Never thought the names Ron Howard and Heidi Montag would be seen together in any context other than ‘Who was within 50 feet of each other at a red carpet event’ but Mr Howard upgraded from directing Angels & Demons to create a FunnyorDie.com video with Heidi Montag basically taking the piss out of her new face. Now i say new face, but i mean her old face, since she looks ollllllllllllllld, but its new.

I don’t want to be an asshole, but since it’s genetically imprinted in me to be so, I will just go right on ahead and say what everyone is thinking – Just what in the fuck is happening to Craig David’s face?

He’s allegedly 28 years old. ALLEGEDLY!

Things I can believe more than this:

Paris Hilton is a virgin
Brooke Hogan is on the path to a successful pop career
Heidi Montag has a high IQ

C&A Building Plastics are responsible for some of the finest advertisments of our time. Unfortunately there is no ‘Baz Luhrman Presents’ at the start of the ads although im almost certain Baz was involved with these ads on some level. The ads were most likely by Saatchi & Saatchi and feature a glamorous natural blonde star of tomorrow, a modern day Bette Davis! Anne Hathaway should really watch her back because this girl is out for oscars if she puts in any more touching apperances like this.

Lily Allen’s song takes a beating from Halomansy TV; as do some cushions, a bed, a dress and a bad weave/stubble combination.

This  is why Youtube should not be allowed to those under the age of 21.

Amanda Bynes’ career hasn’t been on fire lately, so the obvious solution to  a lack of roles is new lips!

I totally get this logic. When im not performing at work i just stuff a sausage into my top lip and suddenly my career hits new highs. Everyone thinks bruised housewife is a sexy look. If that doesn’t work then i lick my top lip lusciously, then everyone gets the REAL look i was going for, that being person with lips most likely to give great oral sex.

MooMi is at it again. No not clearing the buffet table before 6pm, but trying to act! It’s well known fact that Mariah Carey is an actress of caliber and prestiege built from a strong filmography littered with roles in such cinematic classics as Glitter and…uhm, well that’s more than enough! So it should come as no surprise that Mariah is getting rave reviews for her performance as a stuffed sausage social worker in the new movie Push.

Somehow though, it is a big surprise. It really, really is. I am guessing these critics also enjoy german sausages and that is why they appreciate mimi. I will happily pay full admission for this movie to see this bitch crumble without makeup. Fabulous Butterfly Divas should never be without makeup. It’s like Anna Wintour and animal cruelty. The two should not be kept apart!

Sisters in Slut and, you know, blood and stuff.

“I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive.” – Paris Hilton in British Glamour 

Paris Hilton the Ass Ostrich is talking to British Glamour  about how she’s only done ” a few people” and mainly “just kissed” . Lets be clear about something, Paris Hilton is to cocks is what Pandas are to bamboo, what Jessica Simpson is to mental retardation,what Christina Aguilera is to transvestite makeup and what Africa is to poverty. Without one, the other cannot exist! Why does she keep lie-telling out of her whore quim?

That sneaky trollop think’s shes all clever and shit, she can lie tell all she likes but when her vagina starts seeping through with ounzes of pure skank her ass is going to have to come up with a good explanation, and by good explanation i don’t mean a Fergie one.

I’m not going to say Kevin Federline has become a fat bastard, beacuse that’s really rude. What i will say is Kevin Federline should be kept away from African safaris, because if someone doesn’t try and shoot him for game then some mother elephant will probably mistake him as her baby. You know he’s the sneaky bitch who you invite round for Christmas who then eats all your festive biscuits. 

Pictures: X17

It might surprise you to learn that Donatella Versace likes to spend her Christmases sunbathing in lush tropical paradises. I am guessing this is for two reasons. First of all Donatella Versace is very rich, and rich people are all allergic to cold climates and love beaches. Second of all, Donatella Versace is disgracefully pale, and needs to tan more often. 
 

I hope she eased herself into this tanning business, you have to base tan first, because otherwise you will burn, and that can lead to skin cancer. But as you can see from the pictures, Donatella Versace takes great care to ensure her skin is protected from sun damage. Such a raw, untouched beauty.

I’m fairly certain that when Friends ended back in 2004 the career trajectory Jennifer Aniston was going for didn’t involve being cheated on, getting leads in some really shitty movies and then spending the latter half of the decade whinging about how people wont leave her alone and how much of a bitch that Angelina Jolie is for wanting children and basically creating world peace with the power of her sausage lips alone.

Jennifer Aniston has quickly gone from “I’d Hit it!” to “I’d Hit Her” in just a few trillion magazine interviews. Jen is going around this all the wrong way. Instead of never shutting the fuck up about Brad and Angelina and taking off her clothes a lot, she needs to go around to Brad and Angelina’s grotto/manger and invite them to take of their clothes a lot with her.  The best way is to  convince them it’s probably going to save a lot of starving babies. I don’t mean one or two TB infected babies, I mean dozens of very sick, very unwell, very poor babies with tragic terminal conditions. Angelina will probably ask if there will be any photographers documenting the said saving of starving diseased babies, to which you agree. We get a naked TIME spread that we can masturbate to for many decades, you get endless publcity, and Angelina get’s called “a really kind human being” for a while longer.