Tom Cruise
Speidi WANNABES
Aug 9th
No one can do beautifully natural moments caught candid offguard by evil paparazzi lurking in bushes like Speidi can. No one! Not Lilo, Not Pheobe Price, not even Mariah on the beach.. Like the greeting card industry, Speidi’s perfectly intimate moments are just right for any occasion. In fact, instead of sending someone a traditional mothers-day card this year, why not send them a picture of Speidi and THEIR mother having a great time on mothers day? You will surely be cut out of the will but at least you will have brought a moment of sheer perfection to your mothers special day. If Mariah’s beautiful candid moment can’t touch a Speidi holidaythen how the hell are these two farts going to?
The greatness of Speidi’s raw hidden love being exposed for the world by paparazzi’s lurking in the bushes was one observed by the Cruises whom tried, and failed to appear as naturally at ease and fancy-free when out with their new robot daughter Suri.
Katie and Tom were clever and chose a place that had advantageous lighting and depth, but forgot to invite other children. The result = awkward. For more information on how normal children play see: Violet Affleck.
Xenu’s Scientology Princess
Jul 18th
Katie Holmes looked like she's been possessed by Xenu in her latest look that is about 20 years too late. You have to wonder if Tom is doing anything in his power to make her the most undesirable looking thing in the world.
All I see her doing is vacuum cleaner demonstrations for the Home Shopping Network in the next five years. At least that's still better than the Creek.
Image: Just Jared
The Beckhams have their tea and crumpets.
Jul 23rd
Heres pictures from Splash News of the Beckhams' welcoming partay. What kind of garish shit even is this? It was held in the Museum of Modern Art with a photocall for guests. Jesus christ people have you never heard of some wine, spice chicken and Norah Jones on your patio? Although these sluts have forgotten how to not seek attention so they have to be forgiven and/or bludgeoned.
Like it's not a coincidence that every couple who turned up to this event are supposed to be queers and dykes or at least half that way inclined is it? You know Becks tapped Tom from behind whilst Big Willy tickled his prostate. Gross but that shit should seriously be gay fiction because the gays would lap it up. We all know Jada and Katie like to bump minge too. Just kidding as Jada has a dick. I'd hit every single psychopath in that photo though.
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Tom Cruise has no idea why he’s clapping.
Jun 17th
Oh Tom, you don't know why your clapping. You don't even know why your there. Who the hell is that crazy orange alien next to you with the kid and the melon tits? You don't have a friggin clue do you!? All you know is that the clapping of the hands at the same time as everyone else is natural and is what normal people do. Katie knows, she seems to know better than you do at times, but thats okay because behind closed doors, Katie also knows…who the boss is! When your wearing those 12 inch booster platforms she can't say jack shit about you! So don't worry. You let her have her special time with the orange lady for now. You'll be able to show her what's what tonight when you make her watch Beaches again. Oh how you love Beaches so.
The Devil’s Painting.
Nov 19th
This image has been brought to you by the loose skin that keeps Star Jones Reynold’s vagina warm during cold winters with little action.
TomKat as one. Hide your children.
Nov 18th
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have unified in a celebration of space today, a terrifying process in which they physically fused bodies to become one entity known as TomKat. Mid-Sized with thick dark hair and blank eyes, TomKat also has a snaggletooth and is probably bisexual, TomKat also has the torso of a Greek God and the breasts of a Greek Goddess.
Whilst this might sound like a rather pleasing prospect to the more liberally minded amongst us, I can assure you that TomKat is highly dangerous and quite possibly lethal. TomKat is usually scene in the following places. So avoid them at all costs
- Near Victoria Beckham – therefore far away from food.
- Inside David Beckham’s rectum – therefore far away from hetrosexuality.
- In or around Scientology centers – therefore far away from sanity.
- In or around expensive clothing stores in Los Angeles – therefore far away from reality.
Really, kids, this is a dark day for mankind.
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