Princess Shitminge is back later than expected this week. Basically, if you were sane, you’d put watching and writing up this shit off too. 

Last week saw the tragic loss of the two rays of sunshine that made this waking hell bearable. Ola who didn’t know what Hummus was and Fatal Attraction Laura, the ginger actress with a little too much Calpol in her system said thank fuck as they got their asses booted by Wonky Mantis. Unfortunately, Wonky enjoys torturing the public more than I gave her credit for and kept Squirrel’s Fart Carrie in. 
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Since we are gluttons for punnishment, here we are again. I have a weird feeling that Paris Hilton being in the UK had a lot to do with our sudden recession.  Her cooch just sucks in everything, even the economy.

Sing it with me “All of my life i’ve been waiting, for my best friend, could you be the one i want? My best friend!”  No you can’t kill yourself now. If i’ve suffered, so will you…
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It’s important when you are trying to get famous, to be the perfect people pleaser. Then once you’re the shit, you can be like Bono and Madonna and use your maids as human shields when dissing colleagues. So what happens when Lady Gaga is being interviewed by Paris Hilton. Little did Gaga know, that her niceness came back to bite her.

Paris: Aww…I’d love to do a song with you.
Lady Gaga: Uh-oh!

That’s what happens when you compliment Stars Are Blind. At least their IQs are parallel.

Sisters in Slut and, you know, blood and stuff.

“I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive.” – Paris Hilton in British Glamour 

Paris Hilton the Ass Ostrich is talking to British Glamour  about how she’s only done ” a few people” and mainly “just kissed” . Lets be clear about something, Paris Hilton is to cocks is what Pandas are to bamboo, what Jessica Simpson is to mental retardation,what Christina Aguilera is to transvestite makeup and what Africa is to poverty. Without one, the other cannot exist! Why does she keep lie-telling out of her whore quim?

That sneaky trollop think’s shes all clever and shit, she can lie tell all she likes but when her vagina starts seeping through with ounzes of pure skank her ass is going to have to come up with a good explanation, and by good explanation i don’t mean a Fergie one.

The world is in recession. The Middle East is fighting again. And what is Paris Hilton doing? Getting paid to welcome 2009 in Australia. Wow, cuz that was so 2007. However, previously she was paid $1 million for that treatment. Now her rates have dropped 90% to just A$100k (=US$69k) (as long as she brought her sister and new BFF).

Ouch. Poor Paris.

But at least it gave Australian media a chance to show off their creativity.

News.com.au has this beauty

but the winner goes to the Daily Telegraph.

The View lately has been getting very, very political. So while on the campaign trail for her new show, The View bitches thought Paris Hilton would be a good candidate to join them for their hot topics. And it was easily the most boring 10 minutes of Paris’ life.

At the half way mark when the girls get serious, they instantly forget about her. So Paris is probably thinking, is Benji going to give me penis tonight. Who is this Sarah Palin bitch? Why the fuck are they talking about her more than me? I think that was the more surreal moment The View has ever had.

You can catch LA-Deli’s commentry of Paris’ new show, My New BFF, next week.

I've met this ho Sharleen Spiteri after a gig and her ass is pretty nice and down to earth, so probably unsurprising that Sharleen was going to kick Paris Hilton's flappy vagina a new exit when Paris turned up to a nightclub and proceeded to be, wait for it, an attention seeking prostitute demon.

Do not mess with people from Glasgow, they will seriously fuck the shit out of you with their fists alone and it never ends well.

The stars must be deaf and blind at the moment. A clip from Paris Hilton's new movie (which is apparently some kind of horror/musical) has leaked. 

Wow, I will not be seeing that thanks. Something tells me I need some GHB and a line of coke off her snatch to sit through this. 

Everyone always wants to know whos a diva and whos not, so LA DELI rounds up old famous examples as well as some whisperings from some of our industry friends about who is a HOT ASS BITCH to work with and who is just HEATHER MILLS (the devil) to work with. We also have the WILDCARD category which defines stars who have been reported to be part of both camps.

If you are a super bitchfaced celebrity and you see your name here you better get your shit together because we know! We know what you did to your last Personal Assistant!

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Here at LA Deli we've compiled this weeks celebrity news and added our own special style of vagina juices to make it go down better.

• Madonna, 49, and Guy Ritchie, 39, are headed for divorce. Rumors are circulating it was about Kabbalah (which is so 2004), a dried up vag and too much air humping. We think its a combination of the 3.

• You know it's sad when Lily Allen wins a fight.  Perez Hilton was saying some not so nice shit about how Capitol Records isn't Lily's favorite artist anymore and no one talks about her because Katy Perry is the new king-dick because of her single I Kissed A Girl. Lily retaliated by saying I haven't made a new record in two years, and Capitol Records only distributes her music in the US, and Perez wants to fuck her up badly because she's the only person that knows that only 7 people went to Perez's fashion launch and that Perez is only saying bad shit about her because she dumped Mark Ronson as a producer, who Perez has a crush on. Anyone who knocks Perez is a good friend of mine.

• Anti-Perez comments are always appreciated at LA Deli. During the week Perez used Katherine Heigl again as another chance to spread his vendetta on celebrities who smoke, or maybe just Katherine. Perez used a Fergie approach, i.e. smoking causes L-U-N-G C-A-N-C-E-R and E-M-P-H-Y-S-E-M-A. Ask any adult who smokes and they'd be the first to say "N-O S-H-I-T". But the best anti-Perez comment of the week came from user "Posh" who summed it up perfectly. O-V-E-R-E-A-T-I-N-G. Remember guys, if you betray us and see that fat turd make sure you say something cruel and nasty.

• You know its a quiet week in Hollywood when Uma Thurman's wedding plans is news. I wonder what accent she will use at the wedding to say her vows. I heard Polish-Chinese is in.

• Paris Hilton is back in the recording studio. Guys! I know what you're thinking. But she's writing songs with part-time lover Benji Madden. I can't wait for that shit to leak out when I'm sitting on a toilet.

• Kathy Griffin uses more gay people for more personal gain in her reality show My Life on the D-List.

• The star of the week goes to Mary-Kate Olsen. Who's David Letterman interview pretty summed up the hot mess that she is.