Celebrities
The rich & Famous
Jennifer Garner Update: Still flawless and perfect etc etc
May 1st
I don’t call the period after Winter ‘Spring’ or ‘Summer’ any more. I call it ‘Jennifer Garner’. That’s because Jennifer Garner is all that is good in the world and anyone who says differently is a filthy lying bastard who can choke on his own jizz.
Other than being on The Early Show and American Idol Gives Back to try and save poor children, Garner is also producing her first movie called Butter which stars everyone ever. Here are some great pictures of her doing businessy things from Just-Jared courtesy of Splash News.
You are welcome.
Christina Aguilera looks like a used condom in new video.
May 1st
Christina Aguilera has always done a great job at being the biggest skanky desperate slut in the game to get to second-place, and she does not let her fan (singular) down with her new music video for ‘Not Myself Tonight’
Theres enough bumping, titty grabbing, grinding, licking and latex in this tranny mess to put the many pounds of makeup on Christina’s face to shame.
The best parts are at 1:21 when she opens the doors looking like an excited tranny horsey and then again at 1.47 when she suddenly starts to channel the ‘expensive perfume commercial’ look. Don’t worry though, she actually goes on to plug a mobile phone and her own skanky perfume in rapid succession afterwards.
The bottom line: Well, at least she isn’t fat any more.
Christina Aguilera needs to relax.
Apr 25th
Christina Aguilera has always had that Madonna style of speaking where you can tell she’s a total self-righteous bitch. So no surprise that when some poor schmuck working behind a camera in her interview for her new Lady Gaga rip-off cd let out a few coughs, Christina arched her back and hissed out a nice sachet of venom.
I didn’t realize looking like a pre-op tranny and mimicking more relevant pop-stars gave Aguilera a CUNT-CARD to use at any expense. Also, it’s probably telling of how much shit she talks that her revealing a small modicum of her true asshole-self will be the only thing anyone takes away from this interview. ONTD points out the similarities as well…
Maybe these two bitches can get together and talk at each other about themselves until they pass out. Christina better set the time on her phone though because Vadge would be feasting on the shrivelled remains of her youth in four seconds flat.
Passive Aggressive…no wait, aggressive aggressive.
Apr 22nd
Naomi Campbell is the biggest bitch in the northern hemisphere, and mothers tell their children Naomi and a jewel encrusted blackberry will come and get them if they don’t behave. So after many bouts of anger-management Naomi has learned to curb her inner cunt with passive aggressive expressions of thanks as demonstrated in this awkward ABC News interview.
At one point in the interview Naomi looks like she’s about to open her mouth and hatch the medusa to do her bidding. I would love to see her and Tyra grill each other, I can imagine a lot of blinking, side eyes, and extremely false smiles. Of course it would end with Tyra’s skull cracked open with a jewel encrusted stapler lodged in it. Totally worth it.
No Thanks Whitney.
Apr 14th
I’m never sure what to make about the Whitney Houston Comeback Troop.
On one hand, sometimes I hear her drag her cracky ass on stage and she sounds like her throat has just been through a rough night in a club under a railway station. This usually involves Whitney pointing her mic at the audience for most of the song, panting and sweating heavily, and constantly pausing for four to twelve minutes.
Other times she gets up there and sounds pretty much great. Last night in Birmingham was a bit more of the former rather than the latter. Here’s how Whitney has decided to sing her seminal classic ‘I Will Always Love You’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwy1Rt3Ik2M">Whitney sweated and wheezed her way to a 15 minute costume change and the boos of pissed off fans who basically paid far too much for this shit. At least at Trailer Muffin’s Freak Show Tour (The Circus Starring Britney Spears) there was some titty jiggling and aerobics. The only aerobics the audience saw last night was the mammoth task of Whitney trying to hold a note without her voice cracking back to the den it came from. Guess she’s still better than the appallingness she brought to Australia.
Heidi Montag continues to be a feminist icon part 30304
Apr 13th
That big tittied horsey with serious face bloat known as TONS AND TONS OF FILLER was allegedly sexually harassed and assaulted by Hills creator Adam Divello according to new reports which say Adam got a little frisky when giving Heidi’s new fake ass a little bump and grind squeeze. Heidi, being a feminist icon and also a human being, took issue with this. Now she has security to prevent any other sexual misdemeanor and, the article alleges, the other girls have been okay with Adam being a pervert towards them, where Heidi wont take it and is pursuing legal action.
Apparently Adam has a thing for big fake plastic titties, asses and cat-lady faces, as the assault allegedly happened only after Heidi ran her face, tits and ass under the silicon valley for a few hours.
Pray for Saint Heidi, feminist icon, freaky face and musical talent extraordinare, as no one deserves unwanted sexytimes.
Sex and the City 2: A Pony in a Desert Storm
Apr 13th
Christ knows who thought that a good vacation destination for the Sex and the City girls would be Abu Fucking Dhabi. I guess Paris, Rome, Geneva, London, Oslo, Tokyo, Rio, etc etc etc were all to expensive or convenient for them? Don’t they know that audiences have developed an allergy to desert movies? Whatever. The story here is another poster is now out for this pony and shrivelled minge festival featuring Grand National winner Sarah Jessica Parker.
I guess we can all say it’s an improvement in that she doesn’t look quite as much like The Terminator in this one. But her eyes and face are smoother than a baby’s arse which we all know is quite a bit different from reality. Glad to see that she’s wearing practical desert footwear also. That sand looks firm.
Why You Should Watch: The Finale of Ugly Betty
Apr 12th
Ugly Betty wraps imminently and thanks to ABC and someone clearly on a diet of meth and coke from it’s scheduling department, the ratings for the show have looked less than pretty for the past season or so. However, after the amazing penultimate episode, I’ve decided to list the top 5 reasons why the most under-rated network comedy of all time should be watched by all tomorrow night.
1. Because it’s intelligent
I think when people think of the show, they think of superficial comedy about silly things and extroverted gays. This show is not Will & Grace. It’s far smarter. Here is a show that has had sharper spitfire dialogue than anything on television – right up there with 30 Rock, and unlike the amazing 30Rock this show has a layer of incredibly well written and compelling character drama.
Ugly Betty is clever because it can jump from silly and over the top soap opera nonsense to sensitive and intimate moments with characters that strike chords directly at the heart of the viewer without ever feeling false or manipulative. For such an exaggerated comedy/drama, that is very rare to achieve.
2. Because it’s funny
Sharp as nails. Marc and Amanda particularly serve as great comedy fodder, and the joke hit ratio is exceptionally high, again a reflection of the strong writing involved with the show. The cast all have huge natural comedic talent, and they develop a rapport over the years that is clear to see onscreen and only adds to the already high comedy value.
3. Because it has a huge heart.
The best thing about Ugly Betty i’d argue is that it actually has a heart. The morality story might seem on the surface about appearance, Betty becomes prettier as the years go on, but actually, that growth is not from ugly to pretty, its from awkward and doe-eyed to mature and assured.
The great thing is that the writers have been careful to ensure that the transition has been backed up with the emphasis that whilst Betty has indeed inevitably changed and grown, she’s still a good person inside. There’s some positivity in the message that you can be intelligent and successful as well as genuinely nice. The way that Justin’s sexuality story has been handled is also super-touching, and the romance in the lives of all those around Betty as well play nicely off of her own romantic woes.
4. Because you care about the characters
This is definitely a show people can find a vantage point in somewhere, but Betty particularly represents a portion of people at some stage in their lives. Not everyone waltzes into work in their early 20′s as a polished professional, most of us have to learn from our mistakes, struggle through the trials and tribulations of love, life and everything else. If anything, Betty represents the everywoman’s Carrie Bradshow, but here’s a girl that both sexes can relate to, because whilst Carries problems are aspirational, Betty’s problems are real.
Even the ridiculous Willy Slater has shown such sensitivity in various episodes that you truly root for her as a character. The best shows never have clear cut villains, and in Ugly Betty you love the villains as much as the heroes.
5. Because it’s gripping.
The over the top telenova style drama is amazing. It can sometimes be a little distracting, but with the last cliffhanger and the constant rotation of mystery wrapped around Betty’s everyday events, this is a show that you can really be on the edge of your seat for. And who’ll make it to the end?
Guess you’ll just have to tune in.
Betty may not have ever been the coolest show to watch, and aside from it’s first season, it’s never had a great deal of ‘buzz’ around it, But buzz just reflects a networks investment in pushing a show, and unfortunately Betty in latter years didn’t get the push she deserved. Make no mistake, this is an absolute gem of a show and you’d be a fool to miss it’s final bow.
Whitney better HOLD ON to her crack pipe
Apr 9th
Whitney Houston best watch her shit, as there is a new kid on the block who can actually sing Whitney Houston songs the way they should be sung rather than the way Whitney now sings them, ie always sounding like she’s had a decade out on the town.
Little Lin Yu Chun has risen as the new Su-Bo for singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ on a Tawainese tv show better than Houston herself has in about two decades.
Oh did i mention Lin Yu Chun is actually a boy and English isn’t even his native tongue, and it still sounds more understandable than Whitney’s broken crack-song. Lin Yu actually sung the entire performance without pointing the mic at the audience and clapping for them to join in.
Whitney’s current tour has been postponed due to a “allergies” and not because she’s best friends with a crackpipe and a little something called ‘lacing your dope with coke’
Jennifer Aniston will be happy with InTouch
Apr 7th
After last week revealing Angelina Jolie to be a monster bitch from hell, InTouch has continued to be bribed by Jennifer Aniston in it’s latest chapter from the bodyguard expose in which it claims that Brad and Jen truly ARE banging behind Angie…and the world’s back.
In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.
In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.
At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.”
Seriously, if you’d have told me that the media would start spinning Angelina Jolie as an uptight nightmare and Jennifer Aniston as the laid back, easy going one a year ago i would have slapped you and then stole your coke stash.
Now i would just slap you and stare at you with shame..












