Celebrities
The rich & Famous
Salma Hayek REALLY dislikes snakes.
Jun 9th
Watch this video as Salma Hayek basically lays a fucking egg on top of Maya Rudolph when she sees a snake on the floor, and proves that even top heavy girls can do impressive balancing acts in heels when they really need to.
Also an analogy for virginity and vajayjay.
Jun 2nd
Avril Lavigne chose to call her fragrance “Forbidden Rose”. I for one am surprised that she didn’t call it any of the more obvious choices like “Hot Topic”, “Black, Pink and Teardrops” or even “Lavigne: The Twihard Saga”.
The narrator invites you to “dare to discover” Avril’s “Forbidden Rose“. Which i would except that she-male Brody Jenner is currently parked firmly in her “forbidden rose” and shows no sign of moving his feminine hips out of that general area any time soon.
I wonder, after she climaxes, does she sing “My Immortal” by Evanesence? You can see Brody lighting a spliff while she takes care of “her angsty shit”. Give the girl a fountain and some play-school scissors and she’ll take care of the angst a lot faster!
This is what true heartache looks like.
Jun 2nd
I know, it’s heartbreaking to see pictures like the one above, but you must pull yourself together for the following graphic journey into the very core of heartache. I never realize that I’ve actually never felt real lovehurt until i saw these touching and deeply emotional pictures of Saint Heidi Montag of Beverley mourning the fake demise of her marriage by the pool, a pool perhaps signifying the still melancholy that is her heart right now.
It’s clear from these pictures of Heidi making overblown hand gestures, pointing her ass towards the camera and looking off into the distance that she’s in a dark place. A place between reality shows, a place where relevance is up in the air, where heartache is her only constant and fake titties are her only comfort. Spare a fart for Heidi tonight.
It’s just the elastic giving way.
Jun 2nd
Radaronline has an EXCLUSIVE! GROUNDBREAKING REPORT! EXCLUSIVE! That Mariah Carey is holding a baby bratwurst inside of her weinerstraussen aka THE BITCH GOT PREGNANT.
Now, Radar Online are of course a reliable source of hard-hitting journalism, albeit journalism done by an army of retarded geese, so I have no reason to doubt them other than the fact that there are abused pieces of over-stretched elastic lying all across the country’s yachts, oyster bars and sausage vendors. If there was a PETA for elastic and lycra, then Moomi would be their Anna Wintour.
Think about the fabric mimi!
It’s obvious that Mimi is on off-album season also known to her as GRAZING SEASON. Mimi has taken to the pastures of malibu and her Spanx friends have quit her to go write a country song about how she abused them and they hit rock bottom one night in a bar called Cracky Joes with a gun in one hand and a half-drunk whisky in the other. Spanx have feelings too Mimi!
So don’t hate because Mimi is grazing on a few hundred wild Bison, it’s just the beauty of nature, and a natural predator like Mimi is entitled to mass-consume an corn-syrup factory if she damn well wants! Let Mimi eat Cake! But only the first 400.
The Pube and The Pony split
May 30th
Speidi, also known as the most beautiful, natural and raw celebrity couple the world has ever seen, have called it quits after Heidi was worried Spencer’s pube beard would give her a rash on her new ultra-sensitive chin.
Heidi dumped that pube-sock asshole because, wait for it, she was tired of him controlling her life and she wants to focus on her ‘acting career’. It’s funny this all comes at the final season of the Hills, some would say this unholy partnership was all one big publicity stunt; but not me – i know that you can’t deny a love like that.
Some are also saying that Heidi’s divorce from Spencer is ALSO a big PR stunt to highlight her forthcoming reality show with her friend. I am saying this: Saint Heidi of Beverley has been EMANCIPATED today, we should all be joyously celebrating with our loved ones in large street-party events. Or we should all just pluck a pube to pay homage to what Heidi just did.
Uh Oh.
May 27th
Immediately after watching this video I called homeland security to ensure that they still definitely had nuclear weaponry, because now that Heidi’s skipped a few stages of education to go straight to “shooting shit up” then we are definitely going to need to keep our fingers near that button. A dumb, fame hungry blonde with a gun is a dangerous thing.
Heidi thinks that running around shooting shit and pouting at the end will be enough to make her the new Megan Fox and get her the vacant role in Transformers 3. Of course this would be entirely true if it weren’t for Heidi’s new face looking like the re-constructive result of a nasty tar-tank accident.
Some things you cannot unsee. This video was one of them.
This was an actual story: Jake Gyllenhaal ‘nearly’ injured face.
May 20th
I know when celebrities are working the interview rounds they have to try and act as though they aren’t the sinfully boring, irritatingly demanding and narcissistic creatures that they truly are; but Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t even trying for Prince of Persia. This is an actual quote that news publications and online press have run as a story.
“There’s this fight towards the middle of the film where a guy has an axe and I’m fighting him with my sword and shield. There were a few times when the axe came a bit too close to my face,” he said.
Get back off the edge of your seats, because theres more !
“You can see in the film where I was supposed to duck but didn’t, and he almost cut my face off. It was intense.”
Oh yes! Now the fact that stars continuously lie about how much stunt work they actually do is one thing, but at least he could have done a Tom Cruise and threw in a good cliff-hanging story lie. Nopers. Just a boring ass action lie. It’s time to get shirtless Jake, because thats the only way i can justify posting this story.
Michael Bay says BOOM to Megan Fox.
May 20th
Lets face it, Megan Fox is the luckiest skank in the game. She can’t act for shit and she must have given more than just a dozen or twenty handjobs to get her role in Transformers. But after she’s been caught bitching about Michael Bay and after crew members released an open-letter calling her a nightmarish whore, it’s no surprise that Megan Fox has been DROPPED from the third movie.
Megan is the best kind of dumb whore, she’s the dumb whore who think’s shes not a dumb whore, and so she gets all uppity and righteous. No word on who’s going to be playing “Pornstar Girlfriend Whoreface” in the new Transformers movie, but I’m going to go with “THE BOY SHE TURNED DOWN” in a cruel twist of further revenge from Michael Bay.
Let’s begin to watch Megans career trickle down to arthouse movies in which she plays a stripper/hooker/slut girlfriend and inevitably ends up on daytime tv movies playing an unfeasibly young and attractive mother who wears tight sweaters.
Rihanna should probably get some part-time work
May 10th
In these difficult times Rihanna might want to look into a career that involves no singing or dancing, because her latest attempt at a moonwalk shows that she’s one bad producer away from career ruin.
Rihanna’s attempt at the moonwalk looks more like A garbage truck backing up to the pavement than a sexy Jacko tribute. Somewhere, in a coffin, Michael Jackson just rolled his eyes so hard his nose fell off again.
Vanessa Carlton attacked by Pit Bull.
May 9th
LA-Deli’s favoured source of angsty piano tunes Vanessa Carlton has been attacked by an escaped pit bull when she was jogging near her family home in Pike County. The White Houses singer suffered five puncture wounds in her leg, and the dog has been quarantined to see if it develops any signs of rabies.
Fingers crossed for Vanessa – hopefully they are treating her for any possible disease as a precautionary measure and she’s not too shaken up by it all.
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