Celine Dion
All Kayaks lead to Vegas
Feb 11th
Saleeeen Deeeooonnn (also known in some cultures as Celine Dion) only comes down from her home in the clouds once every few years, usually when theres a large Kayaking event on or for Renee Charles’ haircut for the decade, but this time Celine is heading back to her home on earth known as Las Vegas!! Celine will play for 3 years in an all new show according to BBC which will probably involve a lot of tragic clowns and if we are really lucky maybe a unicorn.
Celine lived in Vegas and basically made a circus act do a lot of wierd shit for a few years and everyone loved it. LOVED it. No seriously it was sold out like always. There is no telling what middle-aged vaginas will do for a little audible caress from Celine Dion. She also released a tour DVD that showed the world just how magical, wonderful and heavenly Celine really is.
Celine is also in a theatrical documentary out this year. It’s kayaklicious.
SALEEEN DEEONNNN is pregnant again!
Aug 18th
Take a Kayak to my heart! Stop my crystal meth prescription! Hold my double vodka and pimms*! Goddess of Life and Diety of Days Saleen Deeonnnnn (Celine Dion) is pregnant with her second child after the Prince of Light Runnneeeeeeyyy Charles (Rene-Charles) brought happiness to every kayak owning family across the land. The first was a gift, the second? the saviour!!!!
The Gift... of swinging.
According to The Bible, Celine’s second child with the dusty sperm of husband and Vizier of Night Runnney (Rene) was thanks to immaculate conception (a fertility clinic with a lot of time on their hands) and this child will be the one to battle with Kee’lux of Darkness Suri Cruise when the robots from alien space come down to rule us all. The new Dion foetus is already practising kayak based combat to take down any Leah Remini offspring that might occur.
The Holy Trinity.
Rene-Charles will have to train also, because he will now be the Dion foetus’ personal sensei. He will teach the baby Dion the ways of hair growth and tie-wearing, important skills in the fight against alien thetans.
I can only congratulate our holy mother in the only way i know how, by watching her touching rendition of A Prayer on CNN during the Hurricane Katrina controversy.
‘I especially ask this because you are French Canadian and New Orleans is a most French city’.
*The last part was not to be taken seriously, i am happy and everything and this is a beautiful day for humanity, but I would really like my double vodka and pimms and if you can put some sort of red bull crap in there also that would be nice.
Hollywoods Best & Worst Stars to work with.
Jun 29th
Everyone always wants to know whos a diva and whos not, so LA DELI rounds up old famous examples as well as some whisperings from some of our industry friends about who is a HOT ASS BITCH to work with and who is just HEATHER MILLS (the devil) to work with. We also have the WILDCARD category which defines stars who have been reported to be part of both camps.
If you are a super bitchfaced celebrity and you see your name here you better get your shit together because we know! We know what you did to your last Personal Assistant!
What is real? The world is exploding!
May 24th
Celine Dion and her husband Renee pose with their wax figures in Vegas.
Image Source: Just Jared.
I don't understand! I'm so confused right now! I like how Celine decided to dress in a different colour from her wax model because her ass knew people would not be able to tell the difference and her wax model would end up replacing her on stage.
Celine will always live. She is the rising sun, the falling moon. She is all and everything.
I am starting to think she crawled out of Star Trek and into our own world. She was in episode 3×04, Take A Kayak.
Celine Dion will touch your thumb!
Feb 13th
Celine is the most amazing bag of crazy ever. I fucking love her. I seriously had a TAKE A KAYAK party for my last birthday. It was awesome. Anyway, heres a youtube video of Celine telling us how she likes to share positive creative energy by touching thumbs, and she is totally up for touching your thumb.
Sounds like CELINE is spreading a thumb STI, she says she touches a LOT of thumbs. Id totally bump her bony ass thumb up against mine. I'd probably pass out and puke because my life would be complete, but Celine would act concerned as she walks away from my floppy body.
Celine Dion is a top secret special agent.
Oct 29th
CELINE DION is a beautiful goddess up in the sky singing from the clouds as we have all established on numerous occasions where she appears to be a goddess up in the sky singing from the clouds. Anyway, Celine has been busy and for her new record she has a music video now. I wet myself with excitement upon this news. Then my mind wondered and I went back to downloading porn.
JOWLY! Only Celine could incorporate dated pre-conceptions of technology into her videos. DOWNLOADING COMPLETE indeed! And the Ceasers Palace plug? Celine! You are a creative genius! Showing you breaking into Ceasers Palace whilst also appearing to be the entire security staff of Ceasers Palace is going to make business boom! Ceasers Palace is clearly ran by a clone army ofCeline Dions and that is okay by me.
What to look like this Halloween!
Oct 5th
OK! I know we've made fun of this before on the Deli but with all the Britney drama, we need a good laugh. Seriously, this would look great for trick'or'treating. Fuck those bunny ears.
Celine Dion is Taking Kayaks
Sep 1st
I couldn't stay away! Just kidding, Llama is dropping in to check on guest writers and also give you the greatest vacation gift you'll ever get.
The new Celine Dion album artwork.
Ageless. Like a classic novel which never loses its beauty. No, wait, like an angry robot from the future who can never cease to be.
TAKE A KAYAK INTO THOSE RECORD SHOPS AND STOCK THEIR POOR SHELVES WITH YOUR CD CELINE
BTW: Britney's new song may be pretty good. But she is still a wreck. Don't let this lull you. I hope for her things turn out though.
Celine Dion says something mildly paedophile-ish.
Jun 16th
Celine Dion is the hottest thing to happen to the world ever. I took a kayak, bitch, and I fucking loved it! Celine has a new French album of generic love songs out right now and so she is whoring it and her forthcoming English record to Elle Magazine in a way that only Celine could – by bigging herself up like the selfless soul that she is! You know i will be camping out with some lube and her greatest hits for the day that this shit is released.
On what she’s listening to: “Diva, from Annie Lennox, that’s my favorite album. From song one to the last, when I listen to it, I think it’s me. I can see myself onstage, wearing a short little-boy outfit, singing those songs. I have the whole scenario worked out. The show is already done.”
The idea of Celine Dion in a short little boy outfit stealing Annie Lennox's thunder is giving me a super hard boner right now. Is this wrong? Well only if it's wrong to imagine horses and little boys in sexual ways. Which it is. So thanks Celine for turning me into a bestiality loving paedophile.
Loading ...