Britney Spears

Remember last years Britney Spears song Radar? Of course you do, because the record label already released that shit the previously year on her previous album too! I wish i could say that we’re going to discuss the economics behind the move of releasing the song on two albums, and then giving it a single release so tardy that even Christina Aguilera’s people thought it was behind the times (ZING!) but instead, let’s count how many shots of horses appeared in her Radar music video.

You’ll note that at the time LA Deli l documented that the Radar video was all kinds of horse porn. It was Equus with less penis. Time has not changed this fact. It’s still as sauce-horsey as ever. Britney still looks like she’s soft-glowed within an inch of her life.

So Britney is rolling up to the gates in some sort of British car or some business and she’s wearing sunglasses and jeans because, you know, every British vintage motor was meant to be rocked out with sunglasses and jeans. Nothing to do with the fact that Candies financed this video then.

We know from the start that this is some Hilary Duff business, because we see a statue of a man riding a horse. In two shots. Consecutively. It was handy for me to see this twice in a row, since I am mentally retarded and all, so once wasn’t enough. It was also handy for the editor, I suspect, since it suspiciously synced to the beat.

What follows is a shit-ton of horses everywhere.

Horse Legs are a great framing device.

It’s patently obvious that some at Candies really, really fucking loves horses, although Britney looks like shes not loving the smell of horse shit.

Y'all it stinks! Y'all!

Anywhoo, As Britney shimmies her shit, trying to make the fact this music video is going to be a piece of shit look sexy, we are taken into a barn where we see the rugged, vagabond stableboy who tends to the horses whilst looking like an abercrombie and fitch catalog reject.

It’s also at this stage we realize we aren’t dealing with any old horse appearances, but rather we are dealing with horses that even the most eagle eyed might miss. For example, THIS HORSE.

If a shot in this video doesn’t feature a horse it’s likely to feature someone preparing to be near a horse or to ride a horse, or to watch people riding horses. Believe it or not by the time we get to Britney meeting her love interest 30 seconds in, we’ve already had 10 shots dedicated to horses. That is equal to the amount of shots that actually feature Britney Spears. So basically It should be Radar by Britney Spears ft The Fucking Stable.

Fast forward to one minute in, and we’ve added another 7 horsey shots, although there is a significant increase in short shots of Britney looking rather delicious. There has also been the introduction of clever integration of horsies with the ever subtle and always fucking ugly relevant dual-picture crossfade

Britney is casually hanging around on a balcony and using 1920s opticals to spy on some dude on a horse. Whatever rings your bell, Britney. After a few seconds the horse-porn is broken up with really ugly product placement for Candies and their shitteous jelewery range gifted to Britney by probably the worst actor in a music video ever. We add another three shots with some of the finest horse porn in motion picture history. The hosing scene will become the seminal moment in Britney’s career for people who fucking love horses.

what

THE

BALLS!?

So yeah, theres a whole bunch of images of a horse being hosed down in slow-motion to the lyrics ‘animal in the sack’ which is disturbing for a number of reasons, but on the flip side, it ups our horse-porn shot count.

Afterwards, Britney attends a polo game where she pretends to be Princess Di and the horsey men are James Hewitt and Prince Charles. Of course she leaves with James Hewitt. But not after she knocks our horse-shot count up to 43.

Thats right. There are 43 shots where horses actually feature within the video of Radar, a dance song about meeting a hot guy in a club. I don’t think Lady Gaga can claim that one.