Brad Pitt
Jennifer Aniston will be happy with InTouch
Apr 7th
After last week revealing Angelina Jolie to be a monster bitch from hell, InTouch has continued to be bribed by Jennifer Aniston in it’s latest chapter from the bodyguard expose in which it claims that Brad and Jen truly ARE banging behind Angie…and the world’s back.
In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.
In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.
At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.”
Seriously, if you’d have told me that the media would start spinning Angelina Jolie as an uptight nightmare and Jennifer Aniston as the laid back, easy going one a year ago i would have slapped you and then stole your coke stash.
Now i would just slap you and stare at you with shame..
Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are totally pornstar names.
Jul 12th
Angie probably thought she was being classy when she called her new twin kids Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. However, Vivienne is the name of Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman, i.e a prostitute, and Knox sounds like something you'd call a penis. A powerful penis, but a penis nonetheless.
Typical Ange has to go and ruin a beautiful moment with ridiculous celebrity baby names. When they get famous they get infested with some sort of disease which prevents them from naming their babies anything that wont see them essentially end up home schooled. It's hot. I wish my mom had gone with her celeb instincts and called me Dildosus Fagina Placento Douchia. My life would have been hot. I could have written a book and had a tv show and shit.
If you want your kid to grow up well, call them that shit and they will seriously have an E! Reality show. Ange snatch needs to go to sleep for a few months now. Sew that shit up and call it a day.
News of the week…
Jul 3rd
The latest gossip news from LA Deli.
- News of Angelina Jolie giving birth was once again false. Jolie is expected to give birth to the "best-genes-ever" twins at the end of the month. But come on Entertainment Tonight, we have more credibilty than you now. Get it right bitches.
- It looks like Madonna & Guy Ritchie are not headed towards divorce after all. They've hired special PR to deal with the chaos surrounding their marriage. It was the same PR rep that said Madonna wasn't buying African children.
- Rihanna has wrapped up production on her new music video for her single Disturbia. We will let you know when Triceratops dazzles us with more goodness.
- Starbucks will be closing down 500 stores. This is sad news for people like Britney, who may need to travel that extra mile for a frap.
- According to various sources, a Friends Movie is in the works. Due to the success of Sex & The City and The Simpsons, expect more classic TV shows to travel across to the silver screen. How on earth can a sitcom with a laugh track be transferred to a feature length movie is some wild shit.
- MTV is considering asking Britney Spears to perform at this years VMAs. Can anyone say DO.NOT.WANT. any faster. But it just goes to show how in-demand Britney is right now despite Blackout underperforming on the charts.
- On a final note, it's Lindsay Lohan's birthday today. Happy Birthday Lindsay from LA Deli. We've compiled a few pictures of your wonderfully-well-proportioned girlfriend, Samantha Ronson.
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- Samantha Ronson. When she was hot.
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- DO.NOT.WANT.
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- Lindsay is so lucky.
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- Wow. That was hot.
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- Lindsay posing with her surfboard.
Hollywoods Best & Worst Stars to work with.
Jun 29th
Everyone always wants to know whos a diva and whos not, so LA DELI rounds up old famous examples as well as some whisperings from some of our industry friends about who is a HOT ASS BITCH to work with and who is just HEATHER MILLS (the devil) to work with. We also have the WILDCARD category which defines stars who have been reported to be part of both camps.
If you are a super bitchfaced celebrity and you see your name here you better get your shit together because we know! We know what you did to your last Personal Assistant!
FAIL.
Feb 23rd
Angelina has been covering her big fat baby belly with just whatevers been handy really for a few weeks now and she decided she was tired of having to carry shit infront of her fat bump and instead announced it by wearing a skintight black dress. She thought she could maybe take a little bit of the attention away from herself by making sure that Brad looked hella fug.
Brad thinks hes in the 70s and that isn't the truth. Jennifer Aniston is coming out of this shit looking like roses because his hot has faded significantly in recent years and Maniston's is pretty much staying the same. She is having baby fat injected though or some shit because you do not hit 39 and still look like a 28 year old where im from. Brangelina are so old. Speidi is so now!
Speidi are going to win Oscars! They will rule the world!
Bennifer the Trilogy
Sep 22nd
That's right people. you heard it from us first. Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck are an item. He's a big fan of rhyming his names with the girl's he dates. For example: Jen, Jen, Jen, and Gwyn. Speaking of Gwyn, Gwyneth Paltrow also used to date Brad Pitt, who I'm sure you all remember being married to Jennifer Aniston. We've got one heck of a love triangle working its angles through Hollywood.
Back to Bennifer III. They hooked up on the set of their new film together, He’s Just Not That Into You, which looks like a bad sign, but Jen A did meet her last major fling while filming The Breakup. She's not one to let a title get in the way. For example, the title of husband. Why bother? Angelina Jolie didn't let that title get in the way on numerous occasions and she always got the guy.
Sorry Jen A. We just can't let you do this to Jennifer Garner. She's been busy with filming and promoting and being just plain awesome. It's not right to set your claws into Ben while she's not there to defend her turf. Besides, I have the vaguest feeling that he's just not that into you. While titles may seem insignificant, you gotta remember, Jen A And Vince Vaughn did breakup and Mr. and Mrs. Smith did get married. Maybe Hollywood's trying to say something.
In the meantime, let's all judge her by the footage we caught and conveniently posted just below. Enjoy.
Oh right. That is all.
Maddox is evil!
Sep 1st
Bradgelina have been out showcasing their imported goods. Maddox, Zahara and the new one, were on display for Manhattan to see. Ala "The Pitts do Manhattan: without Shiloh".
But look at Maddox. He gets to sleep in the same bed as Bradgelina and he lives in an International House and the little shit is still not happy. What more does that bitch want? I wish Zahara would take his blanket because according to Fergie, that little fucker is gonna cry real bad. Cambodia v's Ethopia. It's on! Let's see if Ange needs her balaclava sunglasses and her UN skills for that.
Brad is slow.
Jun 19th
Angelina Jolie just can't keep those gorgeous beestung vagina flaps of her shut! Once you start the ho you can't stop her, and in yet another interview about her family that was supposed to be about her new movie, Brad Pitt gets a word in edgeways and It wasn't pretty.
On having more children: “We want to have as big a family as we can. Our only restriction is making sure we have time for everybody, and we’re finding that we have the ability to do that.” (Brad Pitt adds: “Yeaaahhh, we do things in extremes. But I’ve always embraced big changes, and this feels very natural. It’s just the most fun I’ve ever had.”)
Yeah the only restriction being that Brad is seriously backwards and Angie is actually taking care of five kids. I bet she with-held sex from him that night just to teach him a lesson about talking in public, but only after she gave him the speech about embarrassing her in front of other people. Brad is probably a handful, although not in the dirty way because we've all seen those nudes and there is no need to lie. Maybe he's a grower. Yeah, a grower and a shoe in for the lead in Riding the Bus With My Sister 2. Fuck knows there's going to be more shirtless scenes in that one. I am so glad there were no shirtless scenes in the original though. It is little things like that which make me continue to pray at night. I pray to Big Girls Don't Cry now though, since Fergie has a gift from god.
Angelina Jolie can’t shut the hell up!
May 10th
For someone who is batshit crazy and super annoyed at the intrusion to her private life by the world press, Angelina Jolie is sure doing a great job of keeping nothing about her relationship with Brad Pitt secret. I swear to god next week the ho will be telling me how he kind of likes it when she farts on his Cheerios and that is information I do not need. Here is some more information I do not need from Angelina, who apparently has stopped making films in favour of yapping to tabloids.
On how Brad changed her life:
I met this amazing person, and we realized we had very similar views on how we wanted to live our lives. It’s happened quickly, with so many children. Yesterday, picking up the kids from school, Brad turned around in the car, and there were three of them. He couldn’t stop laughing. We love them and are having a great time.
Me on this: That is so interesting Angelina Jolie, why i can totally see why Brad would find the fact you had three kids hillariously funny, this one time, my mother laughed because my sister and I were in the same room. It was a padded room. Get your man on his meds ho because this kind of random laughter is not safe! Is he simple?
On getting pregnant with Shiloh:
Before I met Brad, I always said I was happy never to have a child biologically. He told me he hadn’t given up that thought. Then, a few months after Z came home, I saw Brad with her and Mad, and I realized how much he loved them, that a biological child would not in any way be a threat. So I said, “I want to try.”
Me on this: You insensitive cow! What about poor Jennifer Aniston’s baron womb right now? Ever thought about that!? No! Stop thinking with your DSL and start thinking with your cold little heart you hot ho! And of course you wanted to try, you wanted rubberless peen from Brad because your dead vadge can’t feel shit and don’t deny that! You gave him all sorts of nasties from that dirty conception, true?
On the topic of more children:
More biological, more adopted
Me on this: WTF ho you are not Moses and there is no Arc here! Calm down with this mess!
On Brad as a partner:
He encourages the right things. If I’ve had a full day and just really been a hands-on mom, he’ll make a point to let me know that’s something he’s proud of. If I’m writing an Op-Ed, he’s the first person to want to read the drafts. I could be dressed up in the sexiest outfit for a photo shoot, and by his behaviour, he’ll let me know that’s nice, but it’s nothing as sexy as when I’m home surrounded by the kids or reading books, educating myself. He slows me down to kind of get it right, to relax into the strength of my family and the love.
Me on this: I am quite drunk after this interview. I mean this much soppy relationship crap requires a lot of booze to get through.
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