Angelina Jolie
Maddox is evil!
Sep 1st
Bradgelina have been out showcasing their imported goods. Maddox, Zahara and the new one, were on display for Manhattan to see. Ala "The Pitts do Manhattan: without Shiloh".
But look at Maddox. He gets to sleep in the same bed as Bradgelina and he lives in an International House and the little shit is still not happy. What more does that bitch want? I wish Zahara would take his blanket because according to Fergie, that little fucker is gonna cry real bad. Cambodia v's Ethopia. It's on! Let's see if Ange needs her balaclava sunglasses and her UN skills for that.
Brad is slow.
Jun 19th
Angelina Jolie just can't keep those gorgeous beestung vagina flaps of her shut! Once you start the ho you can't stop her, and in yet another interview about her family that was supposed to be about her new movie, Brad Pitt gets a word in edgeways and It wasn't pretty.
On having more children: “We want to have as big a family as we can. Our only restriction is making sure we have time for everybody, and we’re finding that we have the ability to do that.” (Brad Pitt adds: “Yeaaahhh, we do things in extremes. But I’ve always embraced big changes, and this feels very natural. It’s just the most fun I’ve ever had.”)
Yeah the only restriction being that Brad is seriously backwards and Angie is actually taking care of five kids. I bet she with-held sex from him that night just to teach him a lesson about talking in public, but only after she gave him the speech about embarrassing her in front of other people. Brad is probably a handful, although not in the dirty way because we've all seen those nudes and there is no need to lie. Maybe he's a grower. Yeah, a grower and a shoe in for the lead in Riding the Bus With My Sister 2. Fuck knows there's going to be more shirtless scenes in that one. I am so glad there were no shirtless scenes in the original though. It is little things like that which make me continue to pray at night. I pray to Big Girls Don't Cry now though, since Fergie has a gift from god.
Angelina Jolie can’t shut the hell up!
May 10th
For someone who is batshit crazy and super annoyed at the intrusion to her private life by the world press, Angelina Jolie is sure doing a great job of keeping nothing about her relationship with Brad Pitt secret. I swear to god next week the ho will be telling me how he kind of likes it when she farts on his Cheerios and that is information I do not need. Here is some more information I do not need from Angelina, who apparently has stopped making films in favour of yapping to tabloids.
On how Brad changed her life:
I met this amazing person, and we realized we had very similar views on how we wanted to live our lives. It’s happened quickly, with so many children. Yesterday, picking up the kids from school, Brad turned around in the car, and there were three of them. He couldn’t stop laughing. We love them and are having a great time.
Me on this: That is so interesting Angelina Jolie, why i can totally see why Brad would find the fact you had three kids hillariously funny, this one time, my mother laughed because my sister and I were in the same room. It was a padded room. Get your man on his meds ho because this kind of random laughter is not safe! Is he simple?
On getting pregnant with Shiloh:
Before I met Brad, I always said I was happy never to have a child biologically. He told me he hadn’t given up that thought. Then, a few months after Z came home, I saw Brad with her and Mad, and I realized how much he loved them, that a biological child would not in any way be a threat. So I said, “I want to try.”
Me on this: You insensitive cow! What about poor Jennifer Aniston’s baron womb right now? Ever thought about that!? No! Stop thinking with your DSL and start thinking with your cold little heart you hot ho! And of course you wanted to try, you wanted rubberless peen from Brad because your dead vadge can’t feel shit and don’t deny that! You gave him all sorts of nasties from that dirty conception, true?
On the topic of more children:
More biological, more adopted
Me on this: WTF ho you are not Moses and there is no Arc here! Calm down with this mess!
On Brad as a partner:
He encourages the right things. If I’ve had a full day and just really been a hands-on mom, he’ll make a point to let me know that’s something he’s proud of. If I’m writing an Op-Ed, he’s the first person to want to read the drafts. I could be dressed up in the sexiest outfit for a photo shoot, and by his behaviour, he’ll let me know that’s nice, but it’s nothing as sexy as when I’m home surrounded by the kids or reading books, educating myself. He slows me down to kind of get it right, to relax into the strength of my family and the love.
Me on this: I am quite drunk after this interview. I mean this much soppy relationship crap requires a lot of booze to get through.
Angelina Jolie has a “saving poor people” face.
Mar 13th
Apparently this very natural and authentic set of photographs from Newsweek show Angelina Jolie in Chad, you know, visiting villages of impoverished Africans. I’m not 100% on what Angelina Jolie does in these villages aside from listening to all the depressing stories of famine and death and what happened on last weeks Ugly Betty from the villagers, but one thing we are certain she does is this pose.
Maybe she smuggles water into the villages in her lips or something? Actually those lips probably can hold an entire UN convoy so that’s clearly her purpose.
So that’s Angelina Jolie looking concerned in Chad then. Seriously If anyone can point me to what Angelina actually does in Chad then i’d be very grateful, because even Angelina Jolie looking bangalicious is probably not going to help any starving Africans.
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