Never thought the names Ron Howard and Heidi Montag would be seen together in any context other than ‘Who was within 50 feet of each other at a red carpet event’ but Mr Howard upgraded from directing Angels & Demons to create a FunnyorDie.com video with Heidi Montag basically taking the piss out of her new face. Now i say new face, but i mean her old face, since she looks ollllllllllllllld, but its new.

The Oscars were definitively a ladies night on Sunday,  and the upset-win of Kathryn Bigelow’s Hurt Locker for Best Picture and becoming the first woman to be named Best Director was the highlight. Something tells me James Cameron wont cry too hard into the $2.6 billion that Avatar has grossed since its record breaking launch.

Continuing the ladies streak, Sandra Bullock created history by winning the best and worst actress awards in the same weekend. She won a razzie for her leading role in ‘All About Steve’ followed by Oscar for Best Actress in ‘The Blind Side‘. Sandy’s Blind Side also stands as the only movie from a female lead to ever gross over $200m.

And representing the black actresses in the crowd, Monique joined a select group of black actresses who have an Oscar for Precious.

Jeff Bridges took Best Actor for Crazy Heart and Christoph Waltz took Best Supporting Actor for Inglorious Basterds. Up won best animated. Avatar swept technical categories.

However one thing that was universal with the ladies of the Oscars was FUGLY ASS FASHION. It was literally like a coral reef had sex with 1994 and threw up all over a bunch of emaciated cokeheads.

When Cameron Diaz is best dressed you know you are in sad ground. Sarah Jessica Parker looked lovely in a SATIN POTATO SACK. Sandra Bullock looked like she was literally turning up to the 1990s Oscars and christ knows what Vera Farmiga and Zoe Saldana were thinking in their coral-inspired vomworthy outfits. Rachel McAdams, we saw you in an offensive amount of tie dye.

We will update tomorrow with our full best and worst dressed list, as well as commentary on the Oscars themselves.
Suffice to say, thus far the night can be summed as

WHAT THE HAELLL ARE YOU WEARING ?! DID YOUR STYLIST RAPE A MERMAID?!

The Sugababes are a drama couch right now.

After so many of those bitches have quit and bitched and whined and quit again and then been booted, then decided they hadn’t quit. Fuck it’s hard to keep up….

But the latest deal is that Mutya Beuno (Buena) aka The Scary one is staking a legal claim to the Sugababes name and the new Sugababes responded with “Fuck Yourself with a packet of chips!” . Can you say bitter cavetroll?

An insider source for LA Deli says

‘The new Sugababes lineup is the most successful yet in terms of how nice the girls are and how well they get on. They are genuinely friends! Mutya and Keisha pushed out everyone before – they used to speak in their own language around Heidi and Siobhan, although all of the girls parents caused problems at the start. Keisha and Mutya caused all the problems, now both girls are gone, it’s just three nice girls – there’s no internal drama any more.’

Our insider isnt the first ho to call the new lineup the nicest, but the matter at hand here is that dumb cavetroll Mutya is scaring the children with her legal face. Mutya is the Spencer and Keisha is the Heidi, those bitches need to LET IT GO and move on.

The UK public is already turning their own damn noses up at the new lineup without any help from these desperados,so they can go back to pissing away their nominal remaining cash on some garish furniture and abusing people on twitter.

Everyones favourite delicate flower Lindsay Lohan shows us her sensitive, sweet side in this new photoshoot. And by that i mean her sensitive labia and her sweet middle finger.

Ever the graceful lady, Lindsay flashes her arse, her boobs, and generally looks like the drunken nightmarish skank we all know she is – except instead of facebook pictures these are actual magazine photos. If you say so.

If Lindsay had a ’style guide’ it’d be 16 pages of different shades and textures of vomit drenched blouses, 14 pages of urine stained undies and the last 12 would be different shades of fag ash, burned jacket samples and coke packets. Therefore London is probably hedging bets on a nice uptick on the old drug industry since Lindsay’s probably going to move there.

With Wino and Lohan in the same town, it’s only a matter of time before we see a crack fueled fight that looks like two anorexic cats in a bag. To see more pictures of Lindsay Lohan looking like she’s just banged 14 buses of soldiers who’ll never look at a vagina with the same zeal again, read on.

The Ashley Cole – Cheryl Tweedy business partnership has come to an end. Tweedy, keen to keep her “down to earth no-nonsense girl” image was faced with another instance of Cole playing away from home with women, which is kind of funny since he’s definitely not a homosexual .

So now we can all mourn the end of a true loving marriage that wasn’t a publicity stunt to forward Tweedy’s career and public standing after she had a little  itty-bitty racially aggravated assault scandal.

This lovely looking young lady claims to be called Marina (and the Diamonds) but my eyes don’t lie, Catherine Zeta has simply taken a super long trip to the surgeon, thrown on a nice top and shimmied her timbers harder than Clinton Earle at a Saturday open bar.

I am very okay with this.

Clinto Earle from Pontefract wants to make it in Hollywood, which is actually likely since Ru Paul’s Drag Race is a hot topic.

This tranny mess forced himself all over BBC3’s amazing and awesome SNOG MARRY AVOID show to get a makeunder, and gave us a great scene where he walked down Rathbone Place slowmo to a bad instrumental version of ‘If I Were a Boy’. Greatness.

This sounds like an Alanis Morisette impersonator recorded a demo which was then lost in the hair of Robert Pattinson for a few months before it was rewritten in fake blood on a tree.

HATE.

Heidi Montag’s new face has been hiding after the world saw it and then hissed/recoiled, but she’s finally going to try her famewhore parade once more. Heidi and her waxy ass hemorrhoid face took to Pure nightclub to shake her titanic titties for a little publicity, and looks like it worked!

Heidi still looked like she’d been attacked face on by an 18 wheeler and crawled out of  Madame Tussauds, but at least her eyebrows have descended a few inches since we last saw her.

She needn’t worry about falling over and bursting her face, since her gigantic orb titties will definitely take the brunt of any damage.