St Heidi Montag of Beverley Hills has been building us up for the last three years to this monumental occasion.

No, She is not going to cure cancer, no she is not going to heal the blind, and no, she is not going to user her titty implants to provide hours of water-balloon fun. Instead, Heidi will be releasing her LONG DREADED AWAITED DEBUT CD today!

Heidi decided today would be a great day to unveil her new tranny-alien Gorgeous Princess look for 2010  in People where she says she is addicted to plastic surgery. I am sure Heidi is decieving the world here so girls dont feel inadequate against the gifts that god gave her. Even an angel has to sell CDs i guess.

Heidi Montag lies about her beautiful natural look to make others feel better! Total saint!

In addition to that beautiful, flawless, stunning cover of Heidi at her very Joan Riversish (who is also a delicate flower of a different species) she took to Entertainment Weekly to say the following about her album.

“Every song means so much to me. And every song was a true journey… We really took our time with every single process, because we wanted it to be the highest quality possible. I wanted it to be back to the Thriller days…. It’s timeless music.”

Heidi knows that what the world needed right now was the sounds of a fembot being anally probed by an autotune machine whilst dry humping a giant cocktail glass. She knows this is what the world needs. I respect her so much for that. She goes on to say

“EW: Do you think Superficial holds up against something like Thriller?

HM: I definitely do. I think people might not see it now, because it’s my first album coming out. But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller. Every detail was very important to me, because I take this very seriously. Most artists, it’s not their own money, but I’ve actually gone broke putting every dollar I’ve ever made and my heart and soul into this music. For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could..I’ve spent over a million, almost $2 million on this album. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album, because I wanted it to be that quality and to be able to get those people. My album would have cost a record label over $4 million”

Well, you know, many people might think that investing $2 million of your own money into a CD compromising of mainly gasping and nasal, digital bleeping noises might be risky, but Heidi knows that the power of her voice alone and the emotions of such songs as “One More Drink”

In addition, Heidi dropped the following amazing and true quotes

I think within the first week we will definitely make our money back.

The songs will make an impact in pop history. They are absolutely incredible and everybody involved is the best of the best.

I’m just excited to be part of the history of music.

I think it’s gonna do great. I have a million Twitter followers and they’re all very excited. So that’s at least a million people right there.

Where to start with this really? It writes itself. Honestly.  I am just so sad to see that Montag CLASSICS “Higher”, “Body Language” and “Fashion” have been left out of this masterpiece. When it goes diamond i hope they will release a special edition with those songs on it so I can listen to them again and again as i tie the noose around my neck.

When I fell out of my mother’s womb, I immediately knew my life would lead up to the moment St. Heidi Montag of Beverly would stand on stage as a legitimate performer as well as Saint, Tittyhorse and general perfection. Therefore I can now bow out of life knowing that Heidi’s raw, dripping energy and fierce vocal talent made it’s public stage debut at the prestigious Miss Universe contest.

Heidi motherfucking raped channelled Britney Spears’ 2000 VMA performance costume for her own stage debut, but that’s okay because comparing the above video with Britney’s lacklustre stage performance below, Heidi can sleep well knowing that she is the best in her field.

The worst part about this shitstorm is making fun of this  Horsey bitch makes me secretly enjoy listening to her absolutely fucking horrific music for it’s comical value. Fuck it!

Since Megan Fox is probably as close as Hollywood is going to come to getting it’s very own pornstar, it can only be sensible and just that they stripped away stupid robots and things like storyline to give us what we really wanted from Megan Fox – nudity, sex, and a lot of campy lines about how much of a slut she is.

In the trailer, Megan unzips her top and suggestively asks “You want it?” as if that’s a question which
1. Must be asked
2. She hasn’t asked a thousand times to film producers everywhere
3. Does not serve as a metaphor for her entire relationship with the public.

You have to give the girl props, not only does she slut herself out in movies like her body is a precious commodity to be exposed to oxygen as much as possible before it inevitably sags and wrinkles, but she is also really really brazen about basically being a slut. It’s sort of fun considering we still have Lindsay Lohan trying to sell us the notion that she stays and home reading Danielle Steele novels.

Britney Spears, above, is pictured when she first spotted a Giant Walking Frappucino. Sources say that the Frap “Didn’t stand a chance”. Brit Brit legged it faster than she has in twelve months towards that frap “like a rabid dog”. 

On-lookers also reported that the frap was “In great distress” throughout. Spears seemed pleased though, making a rare candid comment to onlooking paparazzo “That was the best frap i ever did done have! Y’all know Brit could use some cheetos and lip balm right about now!”

In reality, this photo was one of many taken when Britney showed up at a school in the Bronx, New York to do a meet and greet with some kids. Her new leaf tastes like Caramel Dulce de Leche.

Christina's wonky titties need fixed. [DLISTED]

Britney's not fat, she's just festively round. Don't judge her! It's the meds! No wonk titty here![TMZ]

Dominique was the hottest from this cycle for sure. [FOURFOUR]

Ghost Whisperer season finale. It's going to be trash, but there will be titties and ass! [OMG WTF?]

Sometimes, I love Britain. This is one of those times.

More after the cut! (more…)

Heidi Montag would suck off a dead donkey if it would get her a front page. No surprise then that Heidi staged a paparazzi opportunity to cash in on the only publicity she's getting – an overwhelmingly negative reaction to the $2 piece of shit music video for 'Higher' she shot.  Yes. That's right folks, Heidi is actually 'reacting' to the negative reaction in these images. Too desperate to function! She makes Paris looks classy and elegant. Bai Ling wouldn't even stoop this low!

Fucking love these pictures. I love the random chair she brought with her to the sidwalk. That was a nice touch for authenticity. I feel like the CD is to double underline what the tears are about. It's still not going to get your skanky piece of bony plastic ass in a magazine, mind, but good shot. You've given the internet another reason to LOL at you.

Here's Amanda Bynes looking smokin at a Hairspray première. I feel for her having to be so close to Zac Efron for so long. I really hate that douche. Amanda is looking seriously hot these days. I approve much.

And now here's Beyonce looking like she's trying to hatch some sort of android from her womb. Of course desperately trying to keep her weave in place during this painful birthing process.

Girl got her freakum on for sure. Pat Yo Weave B! 

Everyone knows Jessica Simpson would go down on a chihuahua if it got her half as much coverage as a Lindsay Lohan trailer or a Britney Spears fart, but lately Jessica Simpson has stopped with the attention seeking whore act, put on a little meat and now she's looking healthy, breasty and less ugly than the stick insect she was becoming. There must be a motive.

Best of all she's not fucking it all up by wearing ugly designer couture every time she steps out of her house. She's actually dressing as though she is laid back and we all know that this is not the truth because that ho totally freaked every time John Mayer mentioned anything apart from her album or her tits. But the illusion of her being cool and normal is better than the reality of her being selfish and skanky. So lets roll with this and see where it takes us. I actually quite like this ho.

image source: ontd. 

Lindsay Lohan has, It would seem, finally discovered the popular support garment widely known as a bra, you can see this to be true from the image bellow of Lindsay Lohan showing us her bra.

Whilst the (i’m sure, revolutionary) discovery of a bra is probably a big deal for Lindsay Lohan, It’s also clear Miss Lohan expects a medal and perhaps a small ceremony for wearing a bra! Look at her there showing off her bra enhanced boobage proudly! I’d normally encourage this kind of slutty behaviour from hot Hollywood starlets, but when Lindsay Lohan started looking like my drunken aunt I stopped finding her sexy and started finding her, oh say, physically repulsive.

So as much as Lindsay Lohan’s misguided attempt to be erotic and sexy deserves a hat tip for effort, it’s still not going to be either erotic or sexy until she stops looking like a large leather sofa with furry pillows. Okay that actually is probably sexier than Lindsay Lohan and now I kind of want a furry pillow. I will jizz on it and tell people it’s paint.