Boobs
Jessica Simpson is still looking healthy.
Jul 3rd
And by healthy i mean her titties are so giant that they’ve petitioned for state status and theres a panel of senators masturbating furiously in deliberation. Yes, Here is Jessica Simpson making Jennifer Garner look like an A-Cup and telling Brooke Shields to go back to Vietnam with the other trannies.
Not since Mariah Carey saw a chocolate fountain in Aspen have SPANX endured this much abuse. Her poor spanx friends are weeping inside but her bra is having a fucking shindig up in this business,. Her bra knows that it’s holding the most substantial load in the damn room. It’s a shame Brooke Shields had to ruin the sexual fantasy of the above picture by being a transvestite. Its like a a pleasant and erotic scroll across until you reach Brooke Shields and then it’s like FUCK NO! Brooke shouldn’t be here, she should be giving insightful quotes in interviews.
This is what true heartache looks like.
Jun 2nd
I know, it’s heartbreaking to see pictures like the one above, but you must pull yourself together for the following graphic journey into the very core of heartache. I never realize that I’ve actually never felt real lovehurt until i saw these touching and deeply emotional pictures of Saint Heidi Montag of Beverley mourning the fake demise of her marriage by the pool, a pool perhaps signifying the still melancholy that is her heart right now.
It’s clear from these pictures of Heidi making overblown hand gestures, pointing her ass towards the camera and looking off into the distance that she’s in a dark place. A place between reality shows, a place where relevance is up in the air, where heartache is her only constant and fake titties are her only comfort. Spare a fart for Heidi tonight.
Artee Alizee! Wiggle Harder!
Mar 20th
Alizee is everyone’s favourite snake-hipped little French truffle. She’s famous for wiggling her hips through ‘Moi Lolita’ and a sequence of other poppy hits. She’s like the French Britney Spears but without foot fungus and minus the animals living in her hair extensions. So after her last comeback flopped (lead by a music video which featured a man with a funny hamburger as his head), Alizee has moved away from pop and wiggling her hips to try and succeed as a legitimate recording artist.
Alizee being legit with a hamburger.
Of course the 14 million people who watched Alizee in a velvet onesie shaking her tatas for every penny she paid for them are probably not going to be interested in an “abstract” video of her hardly moving whilst singing some odd french electronic music song with random images projected onto her, but I suspect the gays who watched the video for her naval-inspired onesie fashion revolution might.
Watch Les Collines after the jump
Perhaps sub-prime mortgages would have been a better investment…
Jan 13th
St Heidi Montag of Beverley Hills has been building us up for the last three years to this monumental occasion.
No, She is not going to cure cancer, no she is not going to heal the blind, and no, she is not going to user her titty implants to provide hours of water-balloon fun. Instead, Heidi will be releasing her LONG DREADED AWAITED DEBUT CD today!
Heidi decided today would be a great day to unveil her new tranny-alien Gorgeous Princess look for 2010 in People where she says she is addicted to plastic surgery. I am sure Heidi is decieving the world here so girls dont feel inadequate against the gifts that god gave her. Even an angel has to sell CDs i guess.
Heidi Montag lies about her beautiful natural look to make others feel better! Total saint!
In addition to that beautiful, flawless, stunning cover of Heidi at her very Joan Riversish (who is also a delicate flower of a different species) she took to Entertainment Weekly to say the following about her album.
“Every song means so much to me. And every song was a true journey… We really took our time with every single process, because we wanted it to be the highest quality possible. I wanted it to be back to the Thriller days…. It’s timeless music.”
Heidi knows that what the world needed right now was the sounds of a fembot being anally probed by an autotune machine whilst dry humping a giant cocktail glass. She knows this is what the world needs. I respect her so much for that. She goes on to say
“EW: Do you think Superficial holds up against something like Thriller?
HM: I definitely do. I think people might not see it now, because it’s my first album coming out. But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller. Every detail was very important to me, because I take this very seriously. Most artists, it’s not their own money, but I’ve actually gone broke putting every dollar I’ve ever made and my heart and soul into this music. For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could..I’ve spent over a million, almost $2 million on this album. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album, because I wanted it to be that quality and to be able to get those people. My album would have cost a record label over $4 million”
Well, you know, many people might think that investing $2 million of your own money into a CD compromising of mainly gasping and nasal, digital bleeping noises might be risky, but Heidi knows that the power of her voice alone and the emotions of such songs as “One More Drink”
In addition, Heidi dropped the following amazing and true quotes
I think within the first week we will definitely make our money back.
The songs will make an impact in pop history. They are absolutely incredible and everybody involved is the best of the best.
I’m just excited to be part of the history of music.
I think it’s gonna do great. I have a million Twitter followers and they’re all very excited. So that’s at least a million people right there.
Where to start with this really? It writes itself. Honestly. I am just so sad to see that Montag CLASSICS “Higher”, “Body Language” and “Fashion” have been left out of this masterpiece. When it goes diamond i hope they will release a special edition with those songs on it so I can listen to them again and again as i tie the noose around my neck.
100% Raw Live Talent
Aug 24th
When I fell out of my mother’s womb, I immediately knew my life would lead up to the moment St. Heidi Montag of Beverly would stand on stage as a legitimate performer as well as Saint, Tittyhorse and general perfection. Therefore I can now bow out of life knowing that Heidi’s raw, dripping energy and fierce vocal talent made it’s public stage debut at the prestigious Miss Universe contest.
Heidi motherfucking raped channelled Britney Spears’ 2000 VMA performance costume for her own stage debut, but that’s okay because comparing the above video with Britney’s lacklustre stage performance below, Heidi can sleep well knowing that she is the best in her field.
The worst part about this shitstorm is making fun of this Horsey bitch makes me secretly enjoy listening to her absolutely fucking horrific music for it’s comical value. Fuck it!
Megan Fox Porn.
Jul 7th
Since Megan Fox is probably as close as Hollywood is going to come to getting it’s very own pornstar, it can only be sensible and just that they stripped away stupid robots and things like storyline to give us what we really wanted from Megan Fox – nudity, sex, and a lot of campy lines about how much of a slut she is.
In the trailer, Megan unzips her top and suggestively asks “You want it?” as if that’s a question which
1. Must be asked
2. She hasn’t asked a thousand times to film producers everywhere
3. Does not serve as a metaphor for her entire relationship with the public.
You have to give the girl props, not only does she slut herself out in movies like her body is a precious commodity to be exposed to oxygen as much as possible before it inevitably sags and wrinkles, but she is also really really brazen about basically being a slut. It’s sort of fun considering we still have Lindsay Lohan trying to sell us the notion that she stays and home reading Danielle Steele novels.
Britney Spears meets Giant Frappucino.
Oct 1st
Britney Spears, above, is pictured when she first spotted a Giant Walking Frappucino. Sources say that the Frap “Didn’t stand a chance”. Brit Brit legged it faster than she has in twelve months towards that frap “like a rabid dog”.Â
On-lookers also reported that the frap was “In great distress” throughout. Spears seemed pleased though, making a rare candid comment to onlooking paparazzo “That was the best frap i ever did done have! Y’all know Brit could use some cheetos and lip balm right about now!”
In reality, this photo was one of many taken when Britney showed up at a school in the Bronx, New York to do a meet and greet with some kids. Her new leaf tastes like Caramel Dulce de Leche.
Links Links Links!
May 16th
Kate Don’t Win Shit!
Apr 12th
Hedi Montag stages candid paparazzi ‘reaction’.
Feb 19th
Heidi Montag would suck off a dead donkey if it would get her a front page. No surprise then that Heidi staged a paparazzi opportunity to cash in on the only publicity she's getting – an overwhelmingly negative reaction to the $2 piece of shit music video for 'Higher' she shot. Yes. That's right folks, Heidi is actually 'reacting' to the negative reaction in these images. Too desperate to function! She makes Paris looks classy and elegant. Bai Ling wouldn't even stoop this low!
Fucking love these pictures. I love the random chair she brought with her to the sidwalk. That was a nice touch for authenticity. I feel like the CD is to double underline what the tears are about. It's still not going to get your skanky piece of bony plastic ass in a magazine, mind, but good shot. You've given the internet another reason to LOL at you.
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