The Sugababes are known within the UK as being a band which basically constantly rotates members. Instead of disbanding every time some bitch leaves crying blue bully murder or gives them the side eye in the loo, they just fill that spot with a new ho in a quick second. No one even notices.

The news here is that the only original band member Keisha Buchanan has left amidst the DRAMATIC disappearance of bandmate Amelle Berrabah, who was discovered safe and well yesterday in London. Rumours are swirling…SWIRLING around the circumstances of Keisha’s exit – and Jade Ewen aka a horses donkey ass is stepping in to replace Keisha.  Let’s take a look at the Sugababes TURBULENT AND DRAMATIC (caps lock) past!

The Turbulent and Dramatic Times of the Sugababes

Back when the earth was a greener and less melty place the Sugababes formed and everyone scoffed at their obvious ripoff of The Spice Girl name. Luckily for them, their first single, Overload, was rather good, and became a bit of a hit. But this happy time could not last long, because it wasn’t actually happy at all and everyone hated each other. So first to go was The Ginger One (Siobhan Donaghy) who went on to make bland alt-pop which was popular with the only crowd who embrace bland alt-pop – snobbish young gays.

The Ginger one was first to go, obviously. There's no place for gingers in pop.

Critics duly praised her efforts, and after she left, gingey said Keisha (The Black One) was a bully and a nasty skank-ho. Keisha brushed this off with the money that she was raking in whilst the ginger one continued to busk on a subway somewhere. Keisha also offered to take a lie detector test to prove she wasn’t a bully, and did not get the memo that life wasn’t Maury Povich.

In order to fill a pair of Ginger shoes, Keisha and Mutya Bueno aka The Slightly Asianish Looking One? (Yes i know it’s Buena, but Bueno’s are delicious) decided to draft in Heidi Range aka The Blonde One.

The Blonde One - Heidi - also known as the one with good tits.

Okay keep up, it’s confusing. But it goes on. A hit album or two later the Slightly Asianish Looking One decided to leave the band too. No one really knew why, she probably just decided she had enough of everyone’s pussies ravenously attacking each other. Girlfriend wasn’t even five minutes out the door when she was replaced by The Skinny One aka Amelle Berrabah

The Skinny One (Amelle) replaced The Slightly Asianish Looking One (Mutya)

The skinny one was a lot better looking than the slightly asianish one, but she was also pretty gangster and ghetto and a little bit scary. No one liked her much at first. But all that changed when the skinny one made the shock move of being the first babe to release a solo single whilst still in the band. Singing alongside Tinchy Stryder on the kind of fucking great ‘Never Leave You‘, the Skinny One went straight to #1.

Everyone under their breath was all ‘Oh did she just go there?’ though. Amelle clearly didn’t get the memo: new members are never to outshine their forefathers.

Okay  if you are still with me then congrats, no really, this shit is some DA VINCI CODE v MEAN GIRLS business.

Amidst rumours that The Black One (Keisha) was pissed with The Skinny One (Amelle) for going off and having solo success, and rumours that Amelle felt vindicated by the group, suddenly Amelle disappears for days and her family eventually call the police worried about her safety. Amelle turned up yesterday and she was fine, but still hasn’t commented on the issue, nor has made any comment on the news which dropped this evening despite all rumours pointing to HER being the exiting babe. (DRAMAAA!)

Said news could be found in a statement label Island Records released this evening.

“The current line-up of the Sugababes has disbanded. Heidi Range and Amelle Berrabah will continue as the Sugababes and will be joined by new member Jade Ewen. They release their album Sweet 7 on November 23rd through Island Records. Keisha Buchanan will continue to record for Island Records as a solo artist.”

On twitter, Keisha had a few things to say about it. And by a few things i mean she filled a page of tweets regarding it almost instantly.

Although im nervous… I’m still very excited on what lies ahead. I want to thank the Sugababes fans and my fans for all your support and all who have never judged me, but excepted me for who I am…

Dear Friends I’m sad to say that I am no longer apart of the Sugababes. I’ve had a great time and have achieved more then I ever thought I would.

Although it was not my choice to leave, it’s time to enter a new chapter in my life. I have nothing but positive things to say about the girls and I wish them the best of luck.

I would like to state that there were no arguments, bullying or anything of the sort that lead to this. Sometimes a break down in communication and lack of trust can result in many different things. I would also like to point out that I have always supported the girls and they have also supported me.Remember my drunk pictures out with Amelle, supporting her on her success with Tinchy Stryder… Oh the shame… But what a fun night we had.

Now I’m going to take some time to focus on me. I’ve been in this band for 11 years and I have achieved so much.I have a great family and friends who are behind me 100% and at the age of 24, I’m now going out into this world on my own.. Although im nervous… I’m still very excited on what lies ahead. I want to thank the Sugababes fans and my fans for all your support and all who have never judged me, but excepted me for who I am…

The feisty, funny, professional, fearless, motor mouth… lol This is not the end… but the beginning!!!! Thank you always… Keisha xxx

Translation: the other bitches hated me and told me to leave because i was a bossy ass bitch! (And i don’t know what blogger is).

I love how she blames it on a “break down in communication and a lack of trust” as if we can’t automatically tell that meant everyone else hated her ass. Also Keisha was on her twitter yesterday saying how the girls were not breaking up and no-one was leaving which strongly suggests that girlfriend was blindsided and everyone around her knew. Truly a BREAKDOWN OF COMMUNICATION there Keisha, you didn’t get the pinkslip in time.

Incoming to the band is Jade Ewen who will hereby be known as The Horsey Ass One. Seriously girlfriend puts Hilary Duff’s toothy stage to shame. Sarah Jessica Parker takes one look at her and is like “I can’t compete, I’m going home” In the world of horsey celebrities Jade takes the carrot, the cube and the fucking sugar factory.

See I wasn't being mean, she genuinely looks like a horse.

Jade is known for being the singer of the UK’s embarrassing Eurovision entry and also of some other crap songs. She was on the verge of embarking on a doomed solo career and this really is her smartest option. I believe there will be an ejected Sugababe sitcom soon where the three original members all sit together and knit and call each other fat slags. That would be great. BBC3 are you listening? Maybe if i call it “Three used ass sugababes sitting on a sofa in a cheap set and cursing life” it would get a commission.

In order to aid understanding of the incredible complex shifts in sugababe politics (which affect the lives of millions) I have created this wonderful pictorial evolution of the band, and even kindly photoshopped Keisha’s face out of the final photo and replaced it with the face of what might appear to be a grand national competitor, but is actually Jade Ewen.

The Ever Changing Sugababes