Princess Shitminge is back later than expected this week. Basically, if you were sane, you’d put watching and writing up this shit off too. 

Last week saw the tragic loss of the two rays of sunshine that made this waking hell bearable. Ola who didn’t know what Hummus was and Fatal Attraction Laura, the ginger actress with a little too much Calpol in her system said thank fuck as they got their asses booted by Wonky Mantis. Unfortunately, Wonky enjoys torturing the public more than I gave her credit for and kept Squirrel’s Fart Carrie in. 

FUCK before the show has even started I’m assaulted with Squirrel’s Fart complaining she got MUTILATED in the last show. I fucking wish! That shit would be worth my ratings points. Send this bitch in for the next SAW movie. I’ll pay.

Paris kicks off the show by sending a PARIS TEXT to the house. Now if I received a PARIS TEXT i would immediately drop my phone into a bin and set it aflame, however these potential bbf’s do not share my level of common sense as they rock the boat whenever they receive this text.

This is the kind of person who dies in a horror movie. Instead of locking your ass in the bathroom and hoping for the best, these bitches are the ho’s who ask “WHO DERE” and follow the noise until they get to the bottom of why corpses are turning up all over their house. Corpses in this house wouldn’t be the biggest tragedy ever.

When Paris’ text basically tells the house one of Paris’ old male friends will be there to test their flirting skills the house queefs like a fat prostitute kayaking. 

Chrissie the Annoying Asian is up first and she is off like a BULLET. Chrissie misses the dick. You can tell it from her desperate dash-waddle to the nearest door.

Paris introduces Calum Best as her “old friend from L.A” who “also happens to be the UK’S number one ladies man” and by that she of course means “old fuckbuddy from the toilets where they sold great coke” and that he’s “the UK’s number one source for stis” 

When Chrissie sees Calum Best is the offering she looks disappointed and declares she’d rather have had a naked boy on a bed. Wouldn’t we all Chrissie. Wouldn’t we all. Chrissie basically gives Calum the brush off. This is why she’s hot! This is why she’s hot! 

We learn all of these tramps are SHIT at flirting. This is probably no surprise, because when you are working a street corner you just wait until some guy draws up, state your price and the deal is done. These are businesswomen, not escorts!

Calum makes a FATAL mistake when he decides to suggest that he and my arch-nemesis SQUIRREL’S FART go out after the show. He better have caller ID because that twit will be calling from the stables 24/7.  Somehow this trollop wins the challenge, probably because CALUM FUCKING BEST was the judge. You might as well give judging skills to a retarded turtle which has been run over by 8 freighters because the retarded turtle would probably be a better judge. No shit.

 

Paris decides that this week Emma is her new “pet”. Now whilst being Paris Hilton’s pet equates to most people as one of the most degrading forms of torture there is, to these people it’s a great honour. This is a demonstration of how mentally unstable they are. 

Basically as a prize for being the most irritating pony in the land, Paris awards Carrie a chance to go pick some jewelery from a London shop. Of course since Squirrel’s Fart is a fucking loony, she is planning her wedding with Callum on the way to the jewelers.  She wants someone to “pinch her and wake her up” from this “dream”. I will happily oblige if by pinch she means beat-down.  In SF Carrie’s crazy mind this is some sort of promise ring situation. I’m sorry Carrie, but they don’t make promise HOOVES, let’s send this off to the glue factory now people.

After the PONY’S DAY AT THE TOWN seg finishes we are back to reality and Paris wants everyone to label each other. Of course this ends in a situation where Emma Who Might Be My New Arch-Nemesis and Kat the Scary Tranny go at each other.

Kat is obviously well versed in beating down bitches because she tells Emma that she really “can’t be arsed” getting to know her.  MOST HONEST title went to Kat for a reason, and it wasn’t her soft tongue.  

After the games are over Kat goes out the back to burn her sashes calling them “BULLSHIT”. Hello Fatal Attraction Laura, we’ve found your long lost sister and it’s Basic Instinct Kat!  

As the next challenge Paris decides to set the BBFs a challenge of creating an idea for a photoshoot for Paris. I have an idea, have a big bottle with the label “SKANK HERP AIDS SHIT” on the side and have Paris leaning against it. The quintessential struggle that goes on inside her every day! And at the end she drowns in her own vomit and dies.

Basically at the skank photoshoot nothing of interest actually happens. Flick and Sam win the challenge and it’s a hot mess. Then we see a clubbing sequence using “Piece of Me” by Britney Spears. Imaginative!  At the club Meddy got too wasted.

 

 

We’ve all felt this way on the way home after a night out haven’t we? Meddy ends the evening on a dignified note with all the elegance one could expect from a potential BBF for Paris Hilton – by bringing her french toast up on a pavement. 

Elimination is so fucking boring on this show. It’s all about her wonky tampon walk.  Emma drops the fucking clanger of reality show hell “IM NOT HERE TO BE HER FRIEND”. In every fucking reality show you will hear this like 98 times at least. It’s because people don’t like the idea of their asses being humiliated and disowned publicly so they claim they are just in it to win it, when secretly, inside, all they want is to be loveddddddd like Everyone loves New York.

Meddy is the first up for discussion because shes a grosky bitch. Basic Instinct Kit-Kat is the second because everyone votes her ass out. No one likes her crazy open leg ways.

Paris votes Meddy out because lets not lie, Meddy was boring as shit, Paris is a BITCH and she wants someone to stir shit like Basic Instinct Kat. I want to see some weave shreds for next week or i QUIT.