“I’m Paris Hilton. I’m in the UK”

And so it begins. The mass exodus to America, that is.

The clips of what we can expect play. A girl screaming with excitement from a Paris Hilton text. A gay man tearfully professing his love for her. Paris fake-crying from her throne. Paris proclaims “In the end, there can only be one BBF”. Forgetful of this little nugget then…

Some disco-seizure enducing titles with Paris Hilton’s vocoded vocals over them begin and end mercifully quickly, but what follows promises to be far worse. Paris reveals she’s a “businesswoman, singer, actress and brand” evidently forgetting “stupid prostitute, whore, cum smuggler and twat”. 

Paris shows us the 12 people she’s selected from “thousands of applicants” to be her new bbf.  They all have fake hair, fake tans, and look mentally retarded. Paris was obviously looking for the polar opposite of herself then.

Paris is having a going away party where we see Paris being a trashy slut to all of her fake LA pals with cameos from Charlie and Martin Sheen. Basically they try and rub their penises up against Paris who is of course well up for it. Martin Sheen gives Paris a rosary. Somewhere in heaven god just vomitted.

We get to see Paris’ home which is predictably a garish mix of blues, pinks and blacks.  In this house Paris pauses to bastardize the religious symbol that is the rosary some more. Haven’t catholics suffered enough without being associated with Paris Hilton?

Paris claims on arrival to the UK that she’s “Always here for business”, and that is totally believable since prostitution is alive and well in Kings Cross despite extensive regeneration.

 

We finally meet the contestants. Of note is Meddy and her huge tits but wonky teeth. She’s not helping crack the sterotype. Maybe she can meet up with Kate Winslet and they can “gather” as Kate tearfully leads her to a dentist. 

We also meet Samuel the only boy who is of course a raging mo who’s sheer presence is greeted by shrieks of joy by the girls because they now have a pet gay, and if one boy will ever live up to that insulting sterotype it’s Sammy boy.

 

 Paris proclaims “In my world, even a simple journey to a restraunt can get a bit hectic!” and we see the crowds of phoned in photographers snapping her literally moving at a glacial pace and posing all the way to and from the buildings.

When Paris first meets the girls and gay they all shriek like crazy and Paris calls all the girls in L.A “Sluts”. She probably had a wonk eye on a mirror when she said that.

Already everyone hates the pole dancer Kat. Kat is kind of scary and calls Paris short. Paris probably didn’t warm to that, but you cant tell because shes a fucking airhead and she only talks about them negatively once they’ve all left to queef about her.

The house the BBFs are staying in is of course hideously ugly and pink and all the housemates get given jewel encrusted blackberry’s. Just so you know, during the hour that is this show, 667 children will die of starvation, yes my ass is a party pooper but im watching this mess sober so what do you want?  I can’t watch 12 twats be given jewel encrusted blackberry’s without my mind thinking about starving Africans. I know, it’s a fault, i’ll work on it.

Paris decides its time to give everyone a makeover, because they have to be skanky to be her friend. Meddy gets upset because shes larger than a US size 10 and they don’t stock higher than that for Paris Hiltons Friends. Paris comforts her by saying shes beautiful and she buys it. 

Next up, weave removal! British girls love weave too.  They all basically go from normal skanks to Vougue skanks. Need more coke.  Samuel is pissed because they’ve peroxide blonded his hair and he feels it’s “tragic gay”. Uhm, newsflash Sam, newsflash…

Paris decides that she wants one ho to walk down the red carpet. Everyone hates the bitch Laura who Paris chooses. Back in the Limo the stripper ho has to go to hospital because shes too ill or some mess. They need to give me name captions every time they are on screen like the Hills because these generic trolls are merging into one.

Paris then leads Laura into a fit of epilepsy by making her pose to the cameras.

Paris has a challenge in store, it’s called count the crabs! Just kidding, it’s actually a set of fucking idiots sitting on a panel to “grill” the best friends. 

Laura says “we are not just here to fanny around the house” and that’s probably why this is already better than the US version.  

At the end Paris waltzes in like a retarded praying mantis. No word of a lie her walk is like some ridiculous joke. Paris calls Jade hot which makes her nearly weep with joy. Jade is basically a retard and will be consumed by Paris’ vagina.

Paris says she “likes attention” and the whole hour has been worth it because, you know, it’s brand new information.

Leila and Jade are up for “discussion” which means “elimination” in British. We like to do things pleasantly here. Jade is fucking annoying and whinges away. She asks everyone to vote on who should be eliminate so they all start bubbling like hot tranny hos. Get a grip! 

Paris gets all weepy. The cum is seeping from her eyes probably. She oozes jizz from every crack and opening. Before any more jizz drips she eliminates Jade who cries like she’s lost her family.

Paris says “talk to you never. TTYN!” Paris is such a stupid bitch! Kill her cunt dead KHCD!

Jade says she “can’t actually describe how horrible it is to be away from your family and friends”. Jade obviously isn’t familar with the concept of orphanages then.