Because for some reason, we are all paying attention to this tramp.

Paris starts the episode with a text to the house telling them all to cook her some food because shes coming round. The one who wins is the one who slips the most cyanide in the mashed potatoes. I wish i was there, I would have served her a shit pie with extra herp.

Chrissie the Annoying Asian finds her “career” revealed in an embarrasing caption.

Kat returns and when retarded Chrissie tries to hug her she freaks a fuck out because her ass might explode if touched or something. She does however observe that the girls don’t give a “flying fuck about her”, so she’s perceptive, and I like that.

Wonk A Tron reveals she has a fear of germs, it’s probably because the doctor told her if she gets any more skank in her business it’ll kill her dead.

Meanwhile, Olah who doesn’t know what hummus is makes this face 

when Paris arrives and says shes “really really rubbish at cooking because im just rubbish at cooking.”  This is the kind of explanation scientists should give for not finding a cure for AIDs. “We are really really rubbish at finding a cure for AIDs because we are just really really rubbish at finding a cure for AIDs”

Whilst Chrissie’s blogger occupation is embarrasing, it’s not as embarrasing as being posh horsey bitch Carrie who’s occupation is apparrently “Somerset”.  Carrie calls Olah a disaster. Carrie better watch her shit, because whilst Olah is clearly mentally retarded on some level, she could take that ho with her pinky. 

Samuel has baked Paris his “Fairy Fag Cakes” and I’m being absolutely serious. He’s says “they are fairy cakes, and i’m a fairy!” Admitting is the first step.  I’m sure the gay community are thrilled at Samuel representing them on ITV2 to 500,000 viewers every Thursday.

I have decided by this stage I absolutely 100% loathe Carrie. This ho acts like she was emotionally stunted at 12 and so still acts like a stupid bitch 11 year old.  She made Paris rainbow cakes with rainbow sherbet. Everyone bitches about Carrie on VTs.

Paris tells Kat she’s dying.  She then tells her she’s just kidding but tells her ass to go home and really the only reason for that is because she is actually ill. So basically being sick is “not hot.” Paris blames this mess on the doctors. She probably blames her incredibly infested vagina on the doctor too.

AD BREAK TIMEEEEE This is the first time i’ve ever been truly happy to take an advertisement break. I hope they play that freaky Cadbury’s ad. They should make the little girl from that ad Paris’ BBF, as im sure her wonky stare will kill Paris’ inner mantis dead.

On return Paris decides to play a drinking game called the ” truth game”. Truth is that Paris is a fucking ass slut.  We learn Olah has a pierced cooch. Paris loves it, obviously. Paris wanted to have her cooch pierced but no one will go near that shit in daylight without booze in their system.

Chrissie reveals she lost her virginity outside a pub. Meddy reveals she too is basically a whore. So from the truth game we’ve learned everyone who wants to be Paris’ friends are essentially all big sluts. Groundbreaking.

Paris decides to take Carrie exclusively to a VIP area of a club, so now im subjected to more of this bitch. She says “I really didn’t deserve this.” I agree, she may be annoying but she hasn’t killed anyone.

Paris asks Carrie to be her pet, Carrie says she feels this is a huge honour. She literally is on the edge of tears when Paris asks her to be her pet. Apparently there are new depths of human degredation beyond 2 Girls 1 Cup.  She also asks Carrie to basically be a spy for her ass. A horsey spy! God this show is ridiculous.

Paris employs some hot male models to grill the girls and one of the bitches lets some gossip about Paris out.  I wish i knew who she was but her ass looks exactly the same as all the other prostitutes on this show. Paris thinks gossiping about her is not hot. This is obviously a lie and she loves the attention.

A new girl arrives to replace the hot tranny mess who had to go home because she was sick. This new girl is a fucking pyschopath! She’s like “HAVE YOU MET PARIS, WHAT’S SHE LIKE IS SHE GREAT? I LOVE HER!!!!”

Laura is having like a mental breakdown upstairs because she thinks people are being fake and is concerned Paris will make a fake friend. Because, you know, all her L.A friends are totally genuine.

Chrissie wins the challenge and invites Laura to spend time with Paris and her. Chrissie’s voice is like a weapon sent by satan to make the world end. Al Qaeda better not get wind of her voice, or we will be listening to Chrissie pop CDs as we slowly die.

I’m so close to quitting this bitch right now. But just when im about to bail everyone starts whispering about Carrie. I like this a lot since I fucking hate her. Just when it’s getting good they go to an ad break. By this stage in Flavor Of Love someone would’ve shit on the carpet and there’d be torn up weaves all over the floor. Unfortunately all we’ve got is Paris Hilton swanning around London like some giant walking dildo and some faggy fairy cakes.

Carrie says doing this would “really validate me as a person” and this is why she will die alone. When Paris tells Carrie it’s time to nominate someone bitch starts losing the house and crying “She makes me feel like a Princess”. I can only apologise at this stage to the world for the fact that Carrie is alive and British. 

Laura is PISSED when Carrie chooses Chrissie to be up for “discussion”. Basically Carrie and Chrissie call each other fake ass bitches. Laura tells Carrie she wants to “tread on” Carrie and “squash her like a bug!” You can’t squash a pony like a bug, Laura. She’s not so good at the biology stuff.

Paris calls out the bitch who told the male model Paris wanted new knockers. Shes up for elimination too.  Laura decides to walk out because Carrie is such a whore and calls Carrie a “manipulative little bitch”. Paris says Laura is “ridiculous” and she doesnt have time for “Drama Queens” then she walks out like some retarded mantis cow thing.

God i hate her. I really, really hate her. I will be watching for you all next week to see if one of the contestants is actually sane and someone tries to kill her.