The City

LA-Deli.com loves Heidi Montag, more than she loves herself. But one thing that didn’t make sense about the show was Whiteny Port. Because you could literally throw dimes at her and she could do anything you told her to. And then MTV thought the same thing, and gave her her very own show. Simply titled “The City”.

We made our intern, Korrgan, watch it,  because we have lives and she doesn’t.

The City is a disaster. Like 9/11.

The City begins with Whitney Port walking down a sidewalk in New York City as Ronald McDonald’s retarded sister, walking past construction workers that look at her ass as she passes by and pat one another on the back. They were so not hired by MTV casting agents, guys.

She enters the building of Diane von Furstensomething, and has an icey reception from Blair Waldorf, the girl sitting next to her in the.. wait, that’s not Blair. No headband. It must be cheap Blair knock-off Olivia, instead. Who’s channeling an episode of Gossip Girl with her vacant stares that mean she’s either a cold bitch or a little retarded. I can’t decide which. At this point I expected Olivia to rip off Whitney’s head and eat it to show just how much more she’s better than her, but then The City would come to an end and she wouldn’t be on television any more, so..

We next get a scene at a place titled.. Erin’s Apartment, introducing us to Erin! Congratulations MTV, you have now found someone more boring than Whitney. Whitney mentions Olivia to her, and Erin instantly knows who it is. “Oh what a small world!” says Whitney. Yeah, ’cause they met on the casting couch. Jay also knows this Olivia, just from the mere mention of her first name. Is this Olivia some mystical faery creature that everyone in New York knows? I think she may be!

We then get some scenes with Jay: The Most Boring Australian Ever. Whitney and Jay have a lot in common, actually. And so does Erin and Jay. Love triangle, anyone?! But it’d probably be really boring. Just like.. [Whitney's voice that makes it sound so special in the commercials]The City.[/Whitney]

Whitney is invited to a dinner party Olivia is throwing, because I think Olivia wants to shoot cold bitchy stares at Whitney all evening, and Whitney tires to invite Jay, who doesn’t want to go because he dislikes Olivia. So Whitney takes Erin. The entire evening Olivia keeps on questioning Whitney on why Jay didn’t come. Do I sense Olivia wanting to destroy that relationship by setting her sights on Jay? Olivia is basically a Gossip Girl character, if Gossip Girl were written by special ed students. (editors comments: isn’t Gossip Girl written by special ed. students anyway)

Jay then shows up at the party to Whitney’s surprise (you can tell because she uses her one and only facial expression, mouth agape). That was so not scripted, ya’ll.

The episode finally comes to a close. The only thing The City series premiere has taught me is that Whitney is not, as I once believed from watching The Hills, the most boring person on planet Earth. I am so glad this crap is over with.. wait a second, my Tivo has recorded a second episode? Another all-new episode of The City? Fuck you MTV.

-Korrgan

Wow. Thanks Korrgan. But you forget to mention the theme song. Which was the only reason I would watch it. You see, the Pussycat Dolls and I have a rapport. Where I basically dump shit on them behind their backs but secretly love them and wish Nicole Schnitzel was my half-caste bride.