Hot News of the week…

Here at LA Deli we've compiled this weeks celebrity news and added our own special style of vagina juices to make it go down better.

• Madonna, 49, and Guy Ritchie, 39, are headed for divorce. Rumors are circulating it was about Kabbalah (which is so 2004), a dried up vag and too much air humping. We think its a combination of the 3.

• You know it's sad when Lily Allen wins a fight.  Perez Hilton was saying some not so nice shit about how Capitol Records isn't Lily's favorite artist anymore and no one talks about her because Katy Perry is the new king-dick because of her single I Kissed A Girl. Lily retaliated by saying I haven't made a new record in two years, and Capitol Records only distributes her music in the US, and Perez wants to fuck her up badly because she's the only person that knows that only 7 people went to Perez's fashion launch and that Perez is only saying bad shit about her because she dumped Mark Ronson as a producer, who Perez has a crush on. Anyone who knocks Perez is a good friend of mine.

• Anti-Perez comments are always appreciated at LA Deli. During the week Perez used Katherine Heigl again as another chance to spread his vendetta on celebrities who smoke, or maybe just Katherine. Perez used a Fergie approach, i.e. smoking causes L-U-N-G C-A-N-C-E-R and E-M-P-H-Y-S-E-M-A. Ask any adult who smokes and they'd be the first to say "N-O S-H-I-T". But the best anti-Perez comment of the week came from user "Posh" who summed it up perfectly. O-V-E-R-E-A-T-I-N-G. Remember guys, if you betray us and see that fat turd make sure you say something cruel and nasty.

• You know its a quiet week in Hollywood when Uma Thurman's wedding plans is news. I wonder what accent she will use at the wedding to say her vows. I heard Polish-Chinese is in.

• Paris Hilton is back in the recording studio. Guys! I know what you're thinking. But she's writing songs with part-time lover Benji Madden. I can't wait for that shit to leak out when I'm sitting on a toilet.

• Kathy Griffin uses more gay people for more personal gain in her reality show My Life on the D-List.

• The star of the week goes to Mary-Kate Olsen. Who's David Letterman interview pretty summed up the hot mess that she is.

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