LA-Deli will be the best place for all your Emmy Awards updates. (All times are in LA time)

FIND OUT WHO LA-DELI THOUGHT WAS THE BEST (& WORST) DRESS TOMORROW! THANKS FOR STAYING WITH US.

ALSO THANKS TO KORRGAN, FOR BRAVING HERSELF TO COVER THE RED CARPET FOR US. SEE HER PHOTOS TOMORROW.

5:00pm: It’s over. No Katherine.

4:58pm: Still no Katherine Heigl. Fuck this. She really doesn’t give a fuck.

4:55pm: Wayne Brady, lmao. Did they forget the red carpet is for celebrities?

4:48pm: 12 minutes left.

4:47pm: LA-Deli staff are having a cigarette with TMZ paps. All we want is Katherine. Everyone, fuck off ok.

4:45pm: Wow. Tom Hanks. Now where the fuck is Katherine Heigl. Katherine we love you.

4:41pm: Christina Applegate. She wears breast cancer well because cancer fucked off. We love her. Good luck Christina.

4:39pm: Christian Siarno. Whatever.

4:34pm: Diddy’s with his mother and says he’s here because of her. Because she mistakingly didn’t go through with that abortion.

4:26pm: Mr. Jay reviewing America. “I love her make up, I love her jewelry. Then as we pan down we see her fatness.” Korrgan. Please don’t make shit up. It’s funny though. America could fit into those Travelling Pants.

4:24pm: Felicity Huffman won’t be scoring highly in our Red Carpet critique. A drag queen trying to be elegant. Transamerica 2?

4:23pm: Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She could be one of the lower ranks.

4:22pm: Jeremy Piven. Oh god, I want to push him onto his pack, whip his cock out and slide down it balls deep.

4:21pm: David Boreanaz. With his dipshit of a wife that cannot read. She took a note out of her purse and he stole it and read it for her.

4:19pm: Glenn Close with her husband. They make an attractive gay couple after their recent wedding in California after gay marriage was legalized.

4:16pm: Eva Longoria. Looking both fat and pregnant. Not just one.

4:13pm: We interview Teri. LA-Deli: “Are you menstrating ketchup red to go with your mustard yellow dress, or are you so old you don’t do that any more?” Teri: “No comment. But I will say this, it’s not normal.”

4:12pm: The E! reporter called Teri Hatcher’s dress mustard. Hatchet is gonna rip her head. Standby.

4:10pm: Nicollette Sheridan. She said her golden retriever is the most important man in her life. She loves the dog cock.

4:08pm: The cast of Entourage now. Boring us to death with their beards.

4:07pm: Ricky Gervais and a prostitute. Because only a woman receiving $$$ would.

4:05pm: Patrick Dempsey. We think we see grass growing.

4:02pm: Brooke Sheilds. This is Brooke Shields first time at the Emmy’s, she says. LA-Deli is proud to be popping her cherry with our blog cock.

4:00pm: Dana Delaney (Desperate Housewives). She plans to drink a lot tonight. Because no one cares about her on the show.

3:58pm: Ryan introduced Jennifer Love Hewitt and her husband as…”Ross and Jennifer Love Hewitt.”

3:56pm: LA-Deli “Which is your favorite testicle, the right or left one?” Tina “I don’t know, as long as they fit into my mouth.”

3:55pm: Tina Fey! Ryan said she doesn’t back down easy. Back down from cock. Korrgan is doing a great job. She thinks Sarah Palin has taken over the body of Tina Fey. Fuck those Republicans.

3:52pm: Neil Patrick Harris, saying Jeff Probst is a cool guy, with a gay, lustful twinkle in his eye. He wants sperm in his throat, and so do we.

3:50pm: Dennis Leary and Kevin Spacey talking about hot men and their ponytails. ’cause we are sure that they are gay.

3:48pm: Steve Colbert. They put Steve in the corner and showed Brooke Shields, because watching her walk down the carpet is more interesting.

3:47pm: Steve Carrell. Talking about his enlarged balls. Next.

3:46pm: More Marcia. She’s talking about her having used a men’s bathroom. “It was an emergency”

3:43pm: Marcia Cross. Her dress, is, like…It looks like leaves. Like they’re glued onto her skeleton body.

3:40pm: Kristen Chenoweth. Hasn’t eaten all day.

3:38pm: Reporter: “How was your lunch?” America: “Very Mexican.” Well done America.

3:36pm: John Krasinski from The Office. Nothing interesting happening. AMERICA!!!! Wearing a very huge, loose-fitting dress. Will she make our worst list?

3:33pm: Vanessa Williams is on. She’s promoting Proactiv’s three-step acne fighting system and she called America Ferrera a twat and a fattie. Korrgan might be exaggerating a bit.

3:31pm: Debra Messing with Ryan. She seems mad, cause her husband is nominated, and she is not. Kleenex, someone?

3:27pm: Mr. Jay said Heidi Klum is his favorite model. Tyra is gonna be mad!

3:25pm: Mariska Hartigay from Law & Order Kiddie Toucher. Wearing a yellow dress, in hopes of making history by being the first yellow dress on stage to win Best Actress. Bitch, please. You stole the yellow dress idea from Teri Hatchet.

3:16pm: Ryan called Kathy a piece of work to Rainn Wilson. There’s an old man standing with Rainn. Either his father or his gay sex lover.

3:13pm: Kathy Griffin calls Ryan Seacrest a devil to his face. Go Kathy. She says he hasn’t got any talent.

3:10pm: Olivia Wilde. On the red carpet. Wishing on a star that she becomes famous for something. Now they’re doing a segment on that Travis Barker and DJ AM crash instead of a commercial break.

3:08pm: Sandra Oh’s parents are more interesting to talk to. Sandra’s mother is an Asian Sarah Palin. Only LA-Deli makes outrageous claims.

3:05pm: ANTM’s Mr Jay reviews Chandra Wilson’s dress. “Perfect dress for her form.” Nice way of saying she needs Jenny Craig.

3:03pm: Jeff Probst, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest and the host of Dancing with the Stars, all standing by each other. Jeff is in love with Heidi’s boobs.

3:00pm: Red Carpet offically starts. So obviously some people had nothing better to do.

2:55pm: Sandra Oh looking Asian.

2:51pm Chandra Wilson says that this season of Grey’s Anatomy will be interesting. We are expecting a patient to give birth to a dog, that’s interesting.

2:45pm: The fat guy from Lost. Looking fat. Fatter than Oprah after 17 McMuffins.

2:40pm: Lauren Conrad arrives. She has something in her boobs, she is writing her own books. Gossip Girl meets Entourage she says, based on her life. Oh Lauren, quite the comedian. She’s devastated with Audrina moving out, but who the fuck wants to live with Lo.

2:30pm: LA-Deli staff member, Korrgan, is giving handjobs to the waiting paparazzi. She starts her own rendition of Keeps Gettin’ Better. This is so much better than MTV’s random street kids they had dancing at the VMAs. Lauren Conrad is expected to arrive early, probably to talk about the devastating news that Audrina has moved out, or because she had nothing better to do.

1:49pm: E! is really boring us with their coverage. So we decided to get a pussy wax, Nicolette Sheridan recommended we get one.

1:21pm: America Ferrera is probably eating lunch right now. Quesadlillas and hot sauce.

12:49pm: Oprah is still at McDonalds and is fanning herself with a Happy Meal toy. The Deli staff are receiving complimentary enemas.

10:46am: We are burning our EW magazines because those bitches only gave The Pussycat Dolls new CD a C+. While we accept the grade, it would be make more sense if the review talked about the content rather than the PCDs being a brand.

10:14am: LA-Deli staff had a minute silence for Paris’ beloved dog, Tinkerbell. The bitch will be missed.

9:33am: LA-Deli staff are currently having mimosas by the pool. We are pleased to announce that ABC has given us permission to take down Ryan Seacrest at anytime. We thought we just saw Heidi Klum sunbathing, we were going to say hi, but there is a strange black man covering her.

8:50am: LA-Deli staff are undergoing Tyra like makeovers for the special event. We have reports that Oprah is at a McDonald’s feeding herself 17 McMuffins. Katherine Heigl still thinks she’s above this shit, but will go so she can promote how she quit smoking. Well done Katherine, your so brave.

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Awards Shows, Desperate Housewives, Emmys, Fashion, Kathy Griffin, Oprah, the Hills, TV