Jessica Alba has opened her miserable BJ mouth to tell the world that child birth is really not so bad, in fact it is like meditation.

Jessica Alba obviously didn't give birth right because I saw that birthing video shit in sex ed and I know for a fact that a torn vagina does not a meditation experience make. 

She said: "I didn't scream. It was really Zen. The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused. I ate a lot of soul food before she was born."

Yeah and we all know that soul food = regular food with 18 capsules of valium and a goblet of morphine ground in. Her vagina probably just opened up after all that shit like a venus flytrap spitting out its food.

Actually forget that, it's Jessica Alba, her vagina has worked the rounds. That baby just crawled out.

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I love the box office. I love hearing about what trash the world is seeing. Of course everyone has been moist about. THE DARK KNIGHT because i suspect Christian Bales sexiness is just worth it. Opening day estimates have rolled in and someone at Warner Bros spontaneously jizzed because that shit made $66,400,000 on Friday alone, which breaks SPIDER-MAN 3's record.

Elsewhere, Meryl Streep and Karen from Mean Girls have been attracting the lone vagina wolfs and MAMMA MIA! had a very good $9.63m on Friday. This comes after the movie did great business in Europe over the past week.

SPACE CHIMPS is a piece of rat shit and it bombed with a crappylicious $2.4m on Friday, no one gives a shit and Stanley Tucci has shit to answer for. Here are some pictures from both movies.

See the Full chart

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Celebrities, Movies box office, christian bale, dark knight, Europe, Friday, Mamma Mia!, mean girls, Meryl Streep, Movies, opening day, record, sexiness, space chimps, Stanley Tucci, Warner, warner bros

Katie Holmes looked like she's been possessed by Xenu in her latest look that is about 20 years too late. You have to wonder if Tom is doing anything in his power to make her the most undesirable looking thing in the world.

All I see her doing is vacuum cleaner demonstrations for the Home Shopping Network in the next five years. At least that's still better than the Creek.

Image: Just Jared

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Hayden Pantene is annoying. She is also too young to be singing about clubbing and "dranks" but I guess shes already 3 weeks away from a Lilo style coke scandal so whatever. Here is her single from her new album which is being universally panned, because it's pretty shit.

Obviously, with Heidi's Fashion already being an 08 favourite for me, I like this shit. She sounds like a baby prostitute on synth meth and I'm fine with that. The song's is also a blatant rip-off of Paris Hilton's Crabs are Blind. So all in all then the song is absolutely a shit-stain on the music industry and by even listening to it you are fueling a fire that will undoubtably create a hundred other shitty songs. I don't even care. 

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Lindsay Lohan's blood sister, Ali, is starting her quest to become the next Miley Cyrus, she's doing a remarkable job so far. Her song, isn't that bad

I've listened to it on repeat for the last half hour because strangely enough, it doesn't want to make me want to kill myself. 

So what's next for Ali? Wet t-shirt photos. I mean she's only 14, and you know the pedos like fresh meat. Miley time to pack your bags, you sluttyhoe.

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I don't know why I write this shit when Youtube says it all for me. Basically youtube is compromised of a lot of angry sluts and a lot of retarded sluts who come together and attack everything. It's hot. It reminds me of my childhood. Here are some of my favourite comments from youtube.

Miss America 2008 Falls on Miss Universe

Comments range from slightly racist.

Santrago wrote "Miss Shaniqua 2008.

She looks like a cross between a donkey and a gorilla, she should head back to the cotton fields"

to slightly chola housing district

frecklesnall wrote "They need better judges!!!! What are they looking at and what are they thinking!!! I had to visit three different homes while this aired. Each home had five or more people watching and NO ONE!!! said they liked Ven. (my mother, from Panama, made the off comment that Ven always wins) But she didn't like her either. Go figure!!

 to the slightly Olsen Twins

love4musiconline wrote "she fell because she's fat."

Read more…

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Christina Aguilera should definitely look into strapping Max to her ass at all times, because she sings quietly when his ass is around and that is a good thing for all of us. I prefer my pop music without the side of dying seal. 

I think all that red lipstick is going to turn Max into a gender confused Lancome salesman. I pray every night he doesn't get his father's nose or ears. And that he doesn't get his mothers sense of subtlty.  

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Alesha Dixon is basically the hottest woman in Britain. I say this because im easily swayed and watched this endearing shit about her ass posing without makeup for a magazine unretouched and I love those Jordan-like hos with big hearts and a brassy demenour.

Anyway, for some reason itunes employed Peaches Geldof to interview Dixon and other celebs at their festival gig in London. Everyone is well aware that Peaches Geldof is kind of like, fucking irritating, and should not be allowed to be in the media under any circumstance. Anyway it came to Alesha Dixon and Peaches had the cheek to ask her

"How did you feel when your husband Harvey was caught fucking Javine in a toilet?"

Alesha obviously was for none of that and complained to ITV2, saying

"I'm not being spoken to like that by a jumped up 19-year-old crackhead!"

And im saying.

"Please can someone give Alesha a pick axe, fire her in a room with Peaches and Javine, grab a camera and get that trash on youtube before the days done?"

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You know Madonna and Gwnney Paltrow get together to lez off and talk about how they can save the world? Or how Bono and Bob Geldoff do exactly the same thing? Well those are examples of annoying people coming together to at least try and do good for their own grattification.

Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale, however, probably have conversations more like this.

Ashley Tisdale and her Fug Nose: Omg i saw your photos on the internet again. How does that keep happening?
Miley Cyrus and her Fug Teefs: I DONT KNOW! (In a Monica Gellar impression. Die, bitch!) I just know that it's really, like, annoying, now the whole world knows my big secret that I was dating Nick Jonas. It's so embarrasing. i just want my privacy, you know?
Ashley Tisdale: I totally know, it's so difficult, especially with my giant ugly nose and all. I'm so ashamed of it!
Miley: Your nose is cute. You should just rock it. Or get more work done.
Ashley: I was thinking tha…oh my god look at that dress, isn't it cute. It's like, totally my colour too!
Miley: Oh my god i love it. And those shoes are so, like, AWESOME.
Ashley: Let's buy them!

Later that evening.

Ashley: I'm bored.
Miley: Do you want to go shopping?
Ashley: No, i've already spent like twenty grand today! Maybe again tomorrow. I need to scratch my snatch.
Miley: I have an idea. LETS MAKE A YOUTUBE VIDEO. Everyone loves us and you know people on youtube would love to see us on a video together, how awesome would that be? Like, really awesome!
Ashley: Can you light it so people don't see my nose so bad?
Miley: I have professional lighting in my youtube video room! Don't worry girl!
Ashley: What would we do?
Miley: LOL!!!! You don't have to do anything on a youtube video. Just talk a lot about yourself. It's awesome!
Ashley: Yay!

Later that week.

Ashley (On Phone): Miley, i've been reading some of those youtube video comments. People notice my nose! They are being really horrible about it!
Miley (On Phone, using other hand to awkwardly hold a camera above her head and pout intermittently at it, before checking the LCD to see if it needs deleted and reshot) : Uh…oh….like,  what did they say?
Ashley: Well here's one.. "That bitch has one fucked up nose! It looks like shes shoved eight spades and two carrots in there! FUG!" , like can you see how that hurts my feelings?
Miley: Uhm, yeah. That's a shame.
Ashley: Heres another. "She is so fucking ugly i had to turn to vomit, then I looked back at the screen and i threw up again. It was like two girls one cup, except two girls one fucking ugly nosejob!"
Miley: Like, woah, that is like, totally un-necesary.
Ashley (whinging): This one is like the meanest of all though.  "Her nose is the visual representation of satan and offends my eyes more than anything i've seen thus far in my life. Also, that Miley slut has fucked up toofs!"
Miley: Hold. On. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT. THE . FUCK. Like, how DARE they? Who do these NERDS think they are. DAAAD. DAAAAAAAAAAAD COME UP HERE. CALL THE LAWYERS.

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Here's a short list of interesting news:

Celebrity

• Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman both gave birth. While Naomi Watts is pregnant with her second.
• Ed Westwick wants to design his own fashion line because that isn't gay at all.
• Ashley Tisdale told MTV that she channeled Gwen Stefani and Fergie in her role in High School Musical 3. So we are expecting Ashley to urinate in a couture dress. Consider my ticket sold.
• Audrina Patridge has moved out of Lauren Conrad's house, this is probably one of the main story arcs for both in the new season of The Hills because I doubt this is really news to most people.

TV:

• Tori Spelling's new show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, recorded the highest ratings for the Oxygen Network in the 18-49 age group.
• Rumours are circulating that Katherine Heigl's Izzie will be killed off this season on Grey's Anatomy. I can't imagine why? If I were the writers I would make her have a sexual relationship with a Perez Hilton look-a-like until the end of her contract, because at the moment they are basically giving her what she wants. They should just make her suffer.

Box Office:

• The Dark Knight is set to break box office records next week, when it officially opens in Australia & North America this week. UK on the 25th of July.
• Mamma Mia! is expected to be a huge hit. With strong box office takings in UK, Sweden, Australia and some smaller countries. It opens in the US on the 18th. Also I strongly recommend this even though it will give you a tick in the gay column.

Music:

• Rehab is the next single from Rihanna that will be released in the UK in August. This takes the number of singles from Good Girl Gone Bad to 7. Despite already charting, Disturbia will not be officially released in the UK at present.
• Dido & Pink both have albums that are nearly completed. Dido's album is set to be released in late September, with P!nk's new album to follow in October. We expect plenty of angst from both artists.
• Ali Lohan says her music is more hip-hop than Miley Cyrus. We don't have much more to say about that piece of information.

And we leave you with Miley Cyrus' very own wet T-Shirt competition. We expect Pedeos everywhere to delete some hard drive space to make room for these new photos.

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Angelina Jolie, Celebrities, Fergie, Heidi Montag, Katharine Heigl, Miley Cyrus, Movies, News of the Week, Non Entities, Rihanna, TV Angelina Jolie, Katherine Heigl, Lauren Conrad, Miley Cyrus, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, pink, Rihanna, the Hills