Mariah’s secret thoughts on Beyonce.

Beyonce is so hot right now. Beyonce is everywhere. Beyonce is the woman you have as your cellphone wallpaper, ringtone and answerphone. Beyonce is a commercially appealing blend of r&b and pop. Beyonce’s album is playing on your itunes. Beyonce is the answer to all of your prayers for a unifying star between black and white teen culture. Beyonce is a movie star. Beyonce, Beyonce, BEYONCE!

I am sick shitless of Beyonce being thrust upon me by the media industry like she is some sort of necessity to my life. I can entirely picture Tina Knowles stroking a kitten and laughing deviously as she sees 100% world saturation flash up on her computer monitor. Then she cries when she realizes it’s a popup ad for weightwatchers . Anyway, no one cares about Tina goddamn Knowles, but people totally do care about Mariah Carey, and I’m just wondering if Mariah has spent enough time in our realm as of late to observe the saturation of Beyonce

Here is Mariah and Beyonce meeting.

And here is what they are saying

Donatella Versace: Mugmmaeloashlaaa. Shae.r…lso…bladder. I goo peee in pantos. Ciao

Mimi: She is such a legend, isn’t she? She’s so terrific. She’s a genius

(Mimi’s Thoughts: She freaks me out a lot. Why does she look like those little creatures from that Chocolate Factory movie about Oz? Maybe she’s like me and from a different world. Maybe she has a unicorn guide too! Why didn’t i think of this before. I must find the other people of Chocolate Oz at once so we can board the mothership on our unicorns.)

B: No, YOU are a genius Mariah. I totally idolize you!

(Mimi’s Thoughts: I am thinking that this girl isn’t so bad. She clearly wants to be me which is totally understandable.)

Mimi: Really, Beyonce Knowles,well thats FUNNY because I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend of a unicorn that you called me a FAT COW and that I was, quote “Kind of like this pasty, slutty teletubbie”

(Mimi’s Thoughts: Hahah the bitch shouldn’t have told that unicorn anything.)

B: Oh my god no i totally didn’t say that, plus i’m not sure if i know any, uhm, unicorns, but you look so beautiful, I hope to one day be as white as you are! That’d be great but I have to do it gradual so no one notices.

Mimi: I’m actually MULTIETHNIC. I can’t believe you didn’t know this. What is the point of me making people fill in my biography on the internet if no one reads it!?

Mimi’s Thoughts: Why is this bitch so stupid? I wonder if she knows about my pubic lice. Maybe i should tell her about them and tell her the names I gave them all. Ooooh man Fredrick is fiestyyyy today!! BAD FREDRICK!

B: Oh i’m soooo sorry. Btw Mariah, I wondered if you’d seen my new Sports Illustrated photoshoot? It was totally classy and iconic.
Mimi: I don’t actually read Sports Illustrated. But i heard about you doing that whole weight thing on your talk show. That was pretty cool of you although i’ve never been fat like you, since my body is compromised of almost entirely muscle. Do you want to feel my thigh? I will prove it to you?

Mimi’s Thoughts:If this skank thinks that anyone but me can do Iconic then she is sorely mistaken. Madonna even calls me to tell me I’m totally iconic. Okay so it’s not actually Madonna, but it’s my maid who can do a really good madonna accent. She is such a stupid slut because she cannot decide if she wants to have a British or American accent. She sounds like she lives in the middle of the Atlanic ocean, which is funnily enough where unicorns and butterfly goddesses are born.

B: Oh girl, you so crazy I don’t have a chat show! Maybe your thinking of my friend Tyra Banks! She is black too so i can see how you could have gotten us confused.

Mimi: Are you trying to say that I’m wrong? I was number one for 14 weeks!

Mimi’s thoughts: Is she challenging me? She better watch herself, I haven’t eaten in a couple of minutes and her legs do look quite meaty.

B: Uhm, I was number one for 10..

Mimi’s thoughts: LYING BITCH. LIES. SHE IS SHIT COMPARED TO ME. SHIT! ME = PERFECT, SHE = SHIT

Mimi: EXCUSE ME i think you’ll find that I am the ONLY female artist ever to have a number one for longer than 10 weeks.
B: Girl, now that just aint true
Mimi: Are you questioning my authority to make facts? An authority which is legally recognised in at least two states?
B: Uhm, sort of actually yeah. Irreplacable was on top for 10 weeks honey.
Mimi: Yes, and Irreplacable was MY song! Look! Here i have a record book of all the number ones ever.

Mimi: I haven’t cried tears of joy over this book for a few hours now! And when was the last time I sent a copy to Toni Braxton? Like, last week? I better send her this weeks before the couriers close for Presidents Day!

B: Uhm, you’ve scored out my name and put a picture of you over the artist column for those ten weeks.
Mimi: Whatever no I haven’t the Billboard people just prefer to paste my picture on rather than my name because i’m so beautiful. FACT!

Mimi’s thoughts: This was a lie, but since i’m a fantastic actress I have turned it into a convincing and valid argument. Such is the advantage of having a beautiful mind.

B: Sure. Okay.
Mimi: And look, theres my other song, FOOLISH from 2002.

Mimis Thoughts: How did that one go again? Foolish so so foolish you are Polish and i’m delish just like fish? Yes, thats how it went. It is my song definitely. I think i won a grammy or something. Lol i could shit grammys i’ve won so many.

B: Girl, that is Ashanti’s song.
Mimi: Listen, Beyonce, I really think you should just talk a lot less from now on. I mean if you want to compliment my natural and well formed breasts then that is totally okay by me, but otherwise I think I should just talk from now on. K thnx.

Mimis Thoughts: WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS BITCH THINK SHE IS. I BET SHE CAN’T HAVE SEVEN BUTTERFLIES LIVING INSIDE HER WOMB AT ANY ONE TIME. I BET SHE CAN ONLY HAVE LIKE 2. SKANK.

B: Sure Mariah, whatever you say…uhm, listen i gotta go fix my weave now. Kbye
Mimi: I DID NOT SAY IT WAS OKAY FOR YOU TO LEAVE!!!! WHAT INSOLENCE!

Mimi’s Thoughts: Beyonce Knowles shall pay for her disregard of my perfect record of number one success. I know she, much like Toni Braxton and Christina Aguilera, want’s to be me. This is a common problem with people who are jealous of me. However this is unlikely to happen since i am me and they are ugly, so no one would believe them to be me. Since I, Mariah Carey, am so beautiful that I have made grown men cry after a night of sex. It’s understandable to be overwhelmed after sex with me, but when they start saying they can’t breathe and then they pass out until I get off of them, well thas just weird!

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