LA Deli » Britney Spears confuses my eyes.

Britney Spears confuses my eyes.

April 12th, 2007

You know where most people open up their wardrobe in the morning and see the clothes infront of them, they try to at least throw together something that offers a co-oridinated style of some sort, be it preppy or gothy or hippy or just comfy? Yeah…

Well when Britney Spears opens her wardrobe in the morning, she doesn’t really have that same basic ability to co-ordinate, I believe her very short attention span may be a big factor in her inability to wear clothes that don’t make her look like a big, ugly, trampy skank.

See, she puts on a trilby, but forgets that trilbys should only be worn in stage school productions of Chicago, and just goes with it! Then seconds later she’s forgotten all about the fact that the trilby is even on her head and starts climbing in what can only be described as my grandmother’s tablecloth that even she doesn’t use any more because my grandma is way too cool for that shit. Then she forgets (note the pattern here) that tablecloths are supposed to be for tables (not people) and starts putting on fishnets as a result of forgetting she’s just not quite a prostitute…yet. Just when she’s sure that whatever she’s wearing will look just super-awesome together (alot of this is guesswork as she clearly can not calculate the sight of more than one garment on her body at the same time) she remembers vaguely being a pretty-in-pink bubblegum starlet, and fires on a pink tank top, forgetting that we are all painfully aware of how much she of a virgin she isn’t now, and also forgetting the entire mess of items shes just put on before that.

Just as the people around her start to commit suicide just from the visual assault spiralling before them, Spears knows just what would really add a sweet finish the ensemble, and puts on cowboy boots, of course, forgetting that cowboy boots are actually unacceptable to be worn unless your, well, a cowboy. She adds in the cherry, and quickly flings legwarmers on top of those fuggo boots, just because, hell, if Jennifer Lopez can pull it off, so can bloody Britney Spears, right!?

WRONG, BRITNEY. VERY VERY WRONG. OBTUSE AND WRONG. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FIND A GAY MAN TO DEAL WITH THIS WOMAN’S WARDROBE AS I’M NOT SURE IF I CAN TAKE IT ANY MORE. KTHANKS Y’ALL.