The Deli Honour Roll 2006

Last Year, Mariah Carey was crowned top deli ho for general dedication to crazyness and her great consistency at looking like a huge sausage, but has it changed this year? With Mariah no longer out promoting her beautiful musical creations and with Bai Ling having fallen into a ditch for much of the year, the dynamics of the Deli have shifted! Gone are the wonky nipples of Tara Reid, replaced by the wonky vagina of Britney Spears! So lets get to it, who’s been making me write way more than I want to be writing? And who’s fallen out of last years list? Read on to find out…

The TOP 10 Celebrities of The Deli 2006!

10. Jennifer Garner
^{(Last Year: N/A)}
It’s almost disrespectful to have Jennifer Garner in amongst the human feces that compromise this list. But my waking obsession with the red wigged one has ensured a healthy flow of Jennifer Garner posts, combined with the much-too-long-and-detailed-to-not-be-weird Alias recaps for the final season, Jennifer has earned her place as a Top Deli Slut, although of course we don’t call her slut round these parts, we call her God.


9. Tomkat
^{(Last Year: Snaggletooth #6)}
I’ve generally avoided the trainwreck that is TomKat this year, as well as Brangelina. I’m over the couples thing Hollywood, but the rest of the world isn’t it seems because the weird crazy “wedding” and “baby” that TomKat had in 06 made sure that these tired hos got more media coverage than the shit Britney Spears took a few weeks ago.


8. Jodie Marsh
^{(Last Year: N/A)}
There is only one reason, and one reason alone that Jodie Marsh is one of the top ten this year. That reason is that she has huge box titties. Titties that look like boxes, that is. The image of Marsh at a film première dressed as some sort of dykey biker is funny enough, but seeing Jodie Marsh’s breasts strapped to her chest by a belt was not only worth hours of laughter, but it really did make me wonder if the woman can feel pain at all. Jodie also became a total wreck in Celebrity Big Brother and, uhm, well that’s it really. Seriously you don’t need to do much to impress me, anyone else willing to squish their tits into mere putty for attention will no doubt appear in this list soon.

7. Haylie Duff/Hilary Duff
^{(Last Year:#2)}
Haylie’s entry should come as no surprise since it’s well known fact i’m infatuated with her nose, but she had to share it with Hilary, who’s horsey antics continued into 2006 with spectacular force. The Duff sisters have been an impressive disaster this year, starring in the flop “Material Girls” and several hilarious commercials for some assortment of tic-tac like items. We know that Haylie is the REAL star in this sisterhood though.

6.Bai Ling
^{(Last Year:#3)}
Sadly, 2006 did not see any more beautiful music from Bai, but never one to disappoint Bai surely made up for it by dressing up like a drunken slut pirate . It was touch and go for a while when Bai started dressing like a woman instead of an alien whore, but thankfully she couldn’t resist the lure of the one true skank inside. Without Bai Ling on the scene, West Hollywood would be a very boring place.

5.Paris Hilton
^{(Last Year: #9)}
Assuming both the appearance and the level of intelligence of a large mantis, Paris Hilton, much like Lindsay Lohan, is one person the world really, really wants rid of - but for whatever reason just can’t seem to exterminate.

4. Mariah Carey
^{(Last Year: #1)}
Falling three places purely because she’s too busy shaking her junk on tour to be pictured at any major events really, Mariah still didn’t disappoint, she turned up to things looking like this. Mariah is almost a deity to be worshipped in terms of sheer, pure, unfiltered craziness. The best thing about her going on tour was her ridiculously small outfits clearly designed for a woman of less thick stature and the best thing about her breaks were her frolicking on the beaches with Jack completely unaware of the cameras.


3. Fergie Ferg
^{(Last Year: N/A)}
Who knew that monitoring the levels of ugliness in the face of the woman we know to be called Stacey Ferguson would be such a fun sport? Throughout 2006, I took it on myself to keep a close eye on how ugly Fergie was looking. Let me tell you, there were a few moments I thought it was all over for Fergie and her face, getting so high on meth that you talk to hampers can really fuck someone’s looks up, but Fergie came back determined she was actually attractive, even dedicating a song! (’Fergalicious’) to how hot she is. Fergie is probably not aware that the novelty value of that song does not exist because of it’s quirky title or video, it’s fun because its all lies.

2. Lindsay Lohan
^{(Last Year: #5)}
Climbing three positions probably wasn’t the hardest task for Lindsay, the one celebrity you can rely on to show her vagina, scream abuse at fellow celebrities and throw up everywhere before claiming she’s just an ordinary, stay at home kind of girl and the media are perpetuating a huge lie! This year Lindsay got her wrists slapped by studio bosses, entered AA before the age of 21, entered a public war with Paris Hilton and then wrote a series of the most amusing emails in history from her blackberry in which she showed us the deep, profound side to her that she had kept hidden away for all of these years! ‘Be Adequite!’ is one of the phrases we’ll remember from this year, and we have this hot wreck of a human to thank for that.

1. Britney Spears
^{(Last Year: #4)}
For all of 20 seconds after splitting from Kevin Federline it looked like Britney Spears might have actually gotten a fucking grip on her life, as fans were on the edge of their seats for a beautiful comeback. Well Britney Spears knows how to deliver crushing disappointment like only a coroner can and within a month she was running around with Paris Hilton, sans panties, drinking as though alcohol could make her forget how much of a mess she is. Britney’s constant partying despite her having a kid have made her the #1 car crash to watch this year. My faith in Spear’s comeback is at an all time low, because this is one girl on a mission to ruin an already destroyed public image as much as she can.

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