Apparently this image is supposed to have some sort of link to the word “Instinct”. I’m guessing that David Beckham’s instinct would be to make money and, by the looks of things, tan.
I can almost hear Melon Tits standing on the side of this photoshoot shouting at the photographer for catching David at an obnoxious angle.
Justin Timberlake is one of the biggest selling male artists of the past 20 years, I’m sure you know this already though because Justin Timberlake is just the kind of guy who slips that fact into casual conversation. I suspect Justin is also the kind of guy who owns a specially designed titanium Macbook to accompany his $60,000 cellphone which he uses in between the long periods of complaining and preaching in boring interviews about what a dickend of a human being he actually is.
Justin wants to be taken seriously. A nine minute music video with Scarlett Johansson is how seriously. His pop music used to be fun. Now it’s contrived and self-congratulatory - which perfectly shows the change Justin Timberlake himself has made over the past decade. He’d probably call it “artist evolution”, but to you and me it’s the period leading up to that fucking weird album he will make which he will no doubt call “art” and we call “fucking crap”.
Kelly Clarkson’s soul whispers to me whilst i settle into bed every evening. Do you want to know what it says to me?
Kelly Clarkson’s Soul: Free me! Free MEEEEE! Why wont you listen to me?
Me: Go away Kelly Clarkson’s soul as I am trying to sleep in my velvelty good bed!
Kelly Clarkson’s Soul: But do you not see the ugliness of my physical form?
Me: Yes of course I do you disgustingly ugly bitch, but seriously I’m up at 7 to have a quick wank before the new day begins. Please respect my need for sleep. And wanking.
Kelly Clarkson’s Soul: I shall respect it Llama, but I hope you imagine my hideously ugly face throughout your dreams and wanking.
Me: Oh no! please do not curse me with your fugly vodoo!
Kelly Clarkson’s Soul: I am sorry, it is too late. I am going to go and try and kill my body now because i am just too ugly.
Me: That is a grand idea, and maybe next time you’ll come back as something more attractive. Like a boot, or a retarded platypus.
Kelly Clarkson’s Soul: Oh that would be simply wonderful!
That is exactly what happens. Every night.
Image Source: Justjared.
According to CNN, the hot mess that was Anna Nicole Smith is no more as she passed away after being found collapsed in her hotel room. Her death came amidst a paternity lawsuit and not long after the death of her 20 year old son and birth of her daughter.
CNN adds -Â “I can confirm that she is deceased. It’s as shocking to me as to you guys,” Smith’s attorney, Ronald Rale, told Reuters. “I don’t know anything further. [Her lawyer and husband] Howard [K. Stern], obviously, is speechless and grieving.”
And since CNN are so delicate and sensitive in their handling of things like this, heres what they call the highlights.
Drew Barrymore fled the circus late one rainy night and took to London to sell her gypsy wares that the première for Music & Lyrics.
You know, Drew Barrymore totally robbed a Bulgarian history museum for this. Was it worth it Drew? Because my scarred eyes say NO.
I know Katherine McPhee is on the other side of the country right now, but you can never be too sure! Right, Boston!? Those breasts could be concealing any manner of fiendish terrorist activities! Time to safely detonate in a controlled manner.
I’m not saying it’s going to happen, i’m just saying theres a strong possibility that it might. I can tell that Tara knows this to be true. You can see a twinkle of fear and doubt in her glazed eyes.
He’s going to need some Rennies for sure though because eating Tara Reid must come with some serious indigestion. It’s like eating red berries, it’s just not done! On the plus side, Tara isn’t falling over!
Hahah just kidding of course she is you stupid bitch, It’s Tara fucking Reid.
Here’s the latest in Hollywood’s valiant attempts to turn good men into paedophiles. As if the video for Too Little Too Late wasn’t sexual enough, JoJo now has had her bosom digitally accentuated in this new ad for ecko shoes.
Jojo: Hi I am Jojo. Look at me enjoying Ecko shoes whilst I press the buttons on this desk! This is an everyday environment for me which i am totally comfortable in and my experience here is only made better thanks to Ecko! Look at how my body looks when I stick out my chest like this. Did you know it’s illegal to have sex with me? Ecko.”
I think she may not have been meaning to stick out her chest like that, it kind of looks like she’s trying to let one out.
In an unfortunate turn of events, Jessica Simpson wondered into the sun last week and emerged alive. A friend close to Simpson, Coco the Clown, said that she was “doing fine” and would be “back to her old self in no time.”
Despite being a scientist trained in sunology I have no real explanation for her survival, I can however say that she now makes airport officials nervous and is a mention of Mohammed away from arrest.
To all LA Deli guests, have a great Holiday season. Thank you for all of your support. 
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