Dear Britney

At the risk of this website turning into an advice column for Britney Spears, I think there are a few things that need to be said to Britney Spears apart from “Where are your babies!? Do you even know?”

Dear Britney,

I love you honey, I really do. I loved all the summers we spent together, you helping me discover the joy of masturbation, Me helping you discover the joy of mass consumerism, It was a win-win, it was so right and you knew it. But then you got sick of being told what to do all the time, you rebelled, and you know what Britney? I liked it! It made me feel like a whole new man, your sexy rebellious streak was such a turn on and I wanted inside of you more than ever before.

But then it all started going horribly, horribly wrong, didn’t it? If you are following this, a “Sure Y’all” would suffice! First off you married that guy for the Las Vegas wedding thing. That was kind of funny in a “Oh Britney, what WILL she do next?!” kind of way. But after that, the backup dancer. This brought about a problem because romancing a big pile of dog faeces isn’t exactly becoming of pop royalty, Britney. I still decided to ride it out and see where you were going with this. I knew Kevin was assish but you seemed to love him and therefore I let you be in peace as you updated your website with ramblings about unicorns and such things. You were almost motherly for a moment as you popped your first kid out of your fagina. Then came the second, things were looking grim at this stage Brit, i have to say, you were not looking so good during the pregnant years and I hoped maybe you’d see the light. But no, you fired your manager and popped out another turnip. Now you finally saw the error of your ways and dumped Kevin to the curb, you lost lots of weight and for a while there, you were actually looking rather presentable.

But Britney, why Paris….and Lindsay? Why couldn’t you trade in K-fed for someone like Jennifer Garner or maybe the Cox-Arquettes? Hell even a Baldwin brother would have been an upgrade! But no. Paris Hilton it had to be. In no time at all we see you flashing your flabby vagina, which apparently forgot to wear its hat of UNDERWEAR this week, and the proximity to Paris and Lindsay begs the question, Britney, are you doing cocaine whilst you have two tiny babies relying on you? Do you understand what this means? K-FED IS GOING TO GET YOUR BABIES AND YOU ARE GOING TO GET LOHAN STDS!

Seriously Britney, I’ve had enough now. I give you one month to shape up or we are through for life!

Love The Deli Llama.

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